Should I tell my mom she has memory issues?

This may be the time to get her on anti anxiety meds. They often help.

Telling your mother she has dementia or memory issues won't make her feel better, plus she'll only forget what you tell her in short order, forcing you to repeat the details 1000x. What she needs is calming medication and a hospice evaluation if she's in the final stage of the disease now. Hospice will make sure she's kept comfortable and calm all the time, plus they'll help with bathing and medical supplies and equipment she needs free of charge and paid for by Medicare.

There's no need for mom to be so scared at this point in time. Call her doctor and get the ball rolling for relief for her via Ativan or something similar. That helped my mom a lot in her last 6 months struggling with agitation and Sundowning with advanced dementia.

Good luck to you

My mom 86 lives with me. Every couple weeks or so she asks me when I have a minute will you explain what's going on and why I'm here. So I usually tell her she's been lightheaded and the doctor says she's to stay with me and keep well hydrated to get better. I bring her a cup of lemon water and she's good with that.

Keep it simple & specific. Honest-ish but without any doom & gloom.

You are having some problems with tiny blood vessels in your head. The Doctors are treating it with medication as best they can.

I used to draw my mother a picture. Not that it made a lot of sense to her, or sank in for long, or that I'm particularly good at sketching brain diagrams, but I think she found that just addressing the problem and explaining it was a comfort - knowing that it wasn't her, it was a physiological process that wasn't "her fault." Certainly talking about the subject in terms of brain and circulation problems, rather than memory or sanity, makes the issue more to do with the physical and less to do with a person's abilities or character.

If she wants to understand, try to find ways of explaining. You're right to reassure her that she will always have support and you will make sure that everything is okay, but I wouldn't fob her off if she's actually asking.

I just tell my Mom she has brain damage. She asks how and I explain that she's had strokes. It calms her down a bit.
There is no moral failing with brain damage...it's just...brain damage. an injured organ.
Dementia has such a negative connotation to it and ties into going "crazy".

I discussed my moms Lewy Body with her the minute we had a diagnosis and she was so relieved to know what the issue was. We talk freely about it and it helps her when she loses things or gets days and nights mixed up! She says to me “Lewy had me up showering at 1am..I thought it was 1pm”. OR “ my top is missing..Lewy may have had me hide it”. Days later she will find it in a bag hidden in her room. She no longer blames her fellow residents of stealing.. She told me she had worried alone for a good year..mom is 89 yrs old. Good Luck

My last husband got vascular dementia after a stroke. After it happened he was in no state to hear, but a few months later he realized something was wrong and I told him at that time. He felt better about it and when he forgot what I had told him he still somehow remembered that even though though he was different now it was still okay.

In my humble opinion......I would say Mom......you just have some short term memory loss as is what happens as we all age but dont you worry about that because I will be your memory. So you have nothing to worry about. And give her a big hug and one from me too. I also believe its good to give her a great big smile and say " Mom you are getting better every day."
Keep reminding her of this. I believe it will put her at ease.

I say keep her away from any meds as long as possible as they can really cause someone to go downhill fast. It sounds like to me that she just needs some love, understanding and reassurance. As long as she knows you.....her loved one.....then its all good.
This is an add on to my last message.

I told my step-mother, she knew something was wrong but not what. I wasn't sure how she would respond she said "Thank God I thought I was Going Crazy"! It helped her, she never asked about it again, not sure why though as she does ask other things over & over!

This is a very scary time for her.

Why not tell her instead, “Mom, I am here for you, come what may.” Everything will be okay,” and give her a hug.

Isn’t that what you would want if you were in the same position?

I would say..
"Mom your brain is not working the way it should. I know you are scared but we are all here to make sure that you are safe."
If she asks if she is going to get better your response could be
"Right now the doctors do not know how to fix the problem you have."

Telling her or not will not make a difference.
If you tell her once and she gets very upset do not tell her again.
If you tell her and she accepts what you have told her then you can tell her again when she asks. (and she will)
If she gets upset you can come up with other "excuses" that might not upset her as much. The main thing is to make sure that she knows that she is safe.

Im confused by ‘she’s entering last stage’, if she’s still so self aware that something is wrong. Nevertheless, I would be honest but kind. My mum never likes the word “dementia” or just that she has it. She went through a stage of self denial, rejecting/covering/bluffing to finally accepting. She is in what doctor calls severe stage,..she has her lucid and non lucid states that also come with aggression. She’s incontinent but mobility is still ok but slow. Before I had a blunt approach to it,.. then I changed to understanding. I don’t use the D word (dementia), I use memory problem and I give her a hug and say I know it’s scary but I’m here. Mum’s dementia started with grief. I’m sure she was already dispositioned for it, but grief was the trigger. Therefore, I use this to soften the blow. I tell her it’s completely understandable that such a huge shock would affect her and her memory. I came to the realisation of comforting her when she started seeking her late Mum/Dad who passed 30-40 odd years ago. The look in her eyes were the same as a little girl who’d lost her parents at the shops and that’s when I realised how scared she was. Mum is still also self aware in her lucid states. For instance when she has an incontinence accident (because she removes her depends and forgets she needs them), she often cries and says “I didn’t do this, how did this happen”. She still feels embarrassed.
So I say tell her but do it kindly and with hugs!

Anxiety is a common symtom of dementia. Many people are fearful of dementia (and rightly so); my aunt didn't want to be told that she had dementia (she did). Your mother is one who realizes that she has a problem, but it may be more reassuring to keep saying that everything will be OK and that you are there for her. Talk to her doctor about calming medication. There may be something that will take the edge off. All the best to you both. At some point, if she is eligible for hospice you may want to ask her doctor to help you get her signed up for it. There are extra services and equipment available when in hospice.

"Mom you're losing it". straight and to the point.

Maybe you can tell her brain is tired and that it takes too much energy to remember things so you will remember for her and let her know what she needs to do next.

An elderly friend who was well along on the forgetting journey used to say she "had used up her brain." She had been in military intelligence when she was younger, so we applauded her for "using up her brain for a good cause." She was not particularly distressed about her own forgetting although her repetitive questions often drove others batty!

Personally, my mom and I have found it more helpful to discuss it. She is a retired RN who has vascular dementia after several strokes. She has acknowledged that some body functions were more difficult after her last stroke--walking, writing, holding a cup steady. Describing the impairments as a piece of the brain that was damaged by the stroke is easily accepted with the physical. Describing the "visual thoughts" as a result of injury from the stroke takes a bit more. She would protest that she is "not crazy," whatever that means to her. "No, Mom. I don't think you are crazy. It's the stroke that's causing the problem. Remember that the stroke damaged a part of your brain. I think that is where these visual thoughts are coming from." Just like you have unspoken thoughts or words running through your brain that you know are not in the real and present, these hallucinations (visual thoughts) are misrepresented by the brain as real and solid, and present. Acknowledging the issue and adjusting medications have helped immensely. Now, even when she sees that image, it doesn't bother her or scare her like it used too.

Only you can truly answer this question. If she is anxious and wants to know why, I would tell her. If she reacts badly, next time, change it up. As others have said, just make sure she knows you will keep her safe and all should resolve over time. I would tell her she is not insane and see where the conversation goes.

No don't go into the details. She probably won't remember. Just reassure her at the moment and try to sound as light as possible - we all forget things, you're ok.

I went through the same thing with my husband who just passed away June 27 of this year. At one point he thought he was having a nervous break down and he would cry his father also had vascular dementia and so he kind of knew and felt that he had the same thing that his father had however he would forget. The only thing you can do is reassure her that you’ll be there by her side every step of the way. I kept telling my husband I would make sure he got the best care possible that I could find for him and I would never leave his side I’d always be by his side no matter where he was. I told him I would never stop loving him and I would love him forever and we would be together again soon. I also told him that he was tired he just needed to regain his strength.Don’t say anything that will make her give up hope. This was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through and watch my poor husband suffer mentally, the anguish and sadness was almost more than I could handle. I wish you the best of luck and I will pray for you. Hugs and good wishes are being sent your way

I think it’s better for her to know the truth if what’s happening to her. You can simplify the situation so she will understand that she has an illness that makes her forget things easily, that it’s not her fault, and that there are meds that can help her. Her doctor can prescribe an anti-anxiety drug that will do her some good. You have to go with her to the doctor and explain what she’s going through. She should always be assured that everyone is there to help her.

Mommom22: Imho, it may not do any good to inform her of her disease since she no doubt is unable to retain the information. As she of course is anxiety ridden, please get her physician to prescribe an anti anxiety medication.

I thought I gave my opinion, however, I can't find it.

I would tell your mother, however, don't be abrupt. I believe she is so scared because she doesn't know what is the truth. She suspects that she cannot trust her memory. I believe she remembers, just tidbits, enough to place doubt, but not enough to get the full story, and she has just enough memory left to know that it bothers her.

I would tell her that yes, her memory is failing her. You might even tell her some of the behaviors that that she has done since the dementia that she would have done differently had the dementia not been there. Nothing too awful. Then reassure her that you are there to help her remember or remind her of things and it is okay.

The next time she says she is going insane or is very scared, ask her questions to see if you can find the source of the anxieties. Maybe you can provide something to relieve the anxieties or to keep the memories fresh, like a book of pictures of the family or pictures of places that she has visited.

The one thing I realized as I watched my mother lose more and more of her memory, is that much of how we exist, relies on our memory. We think someone has stolen something if if isn't where we remember it should be. We don't touch a hot stove because we remember or anticipate the unpleasant feeling when we did touch something hot. We don't like to interact with someone if we remember how uncomfortable it was when we did interact with them.

Your Mom is definitely aware that something is wrong. I would tell her and also make sure you reassure her that you are there to help her to remember.

My prayers are with you.

Your mother is intelligent and knows something is wrong. Tell her the truth and forget about posts that suggest you should treat your mother like a child. The news, however, won’t be reassuring unless you can clearly explain how she will be cared for at the end. Let her tell you what she wants to be sure you will take care of after she loses the ability to handle all of her affairs.

I would like to know who told u not to tell her. I'm not u but if it were my mother and she was able to understand. I would rather her know that she's not going insane. sometimes doing or going the extra mile even though the doc said something else. I will have her practice the kids memory games, therapy something that will help you. it won't hurt. she may handle it better than whomever told u not to tell her. give her hugs and kisses and say u will be fine in God's Grace. tell her God will help u and her find ways to help her. God Bless!

when telling ur mom i would tell her ever so gentle. i would say instead of brain problems say memory problems that one day we all may have due to age, accident etc. mom ur safe with me (us).

If a person is entering the last stage of vascular dementia, I question how - or to what degree - they have the cognition to understand an explanation of brain chemistry; she is fearful, confused. I would talk to her primary medical provider to see if medication is possible to calm her down. I would imagine if you tell her "people forget things as they get older - it happens to all of us... I am here for you," she may forget that the next second or two. If you tell her you love her while holding her hand, or providing gentle touch / comfort her, she may remember this.

This isn't easy. Do not speak logic. Her brain cannot compute logic. Love her unconditionally through a calm voice, stroking or brushing her hair, giving her a hand massage, singing to her . . . whatever you can do to shift the fear to relaxation or neutralize the fear. Gena.

Yes, tell her she has had a series of mini strokes that have affected her memory (simple explanation). Since she has anxiety, please get a referral to a geriatric psychiatrist to start her on medications to help with the anxiety. Nobody should live in fear.

No she will not remember or understand.