Should I continue to live with my boyfriend when his grandma knows no boundaries?

Grandma1954 is right on target. I think this plan is the only way for you to get the respect and attention from your boyfriend that you deserve. Maybe he means well, but your situation will not improve unless you take action by taking care of your needs. I wish you all the best.

Actually, I'm glad you DID move in with your b/f & his grandmother to see what he was like, and what life is like and would be like, BEFORE you got married! Smart girl.

So now that you see what his priorities are, after nearly 5 years of being together, it's time to figure out what YOUR priorities are. Grandma is likely going down the dementia highway, or is quite few miles down that highway already, so she doesn't care about dog poop & pee on the floor or it sitting there all day long. Either that or she's lost her sense of smell entirely. But I vote for dementia based on the other things you've mentioned about her behavior, which means it'll only get worse & worse with time. And, since b/f has no chutzpah to stand up to her, he'll allow her to run all over you both like a snowplow. The handwriting is on the wall NOW: this is your default future if you do nothing. Living in this house with a demented elder, a dog who is not house trained, and a b/f with no chutzpah & no intention of marrying you, only of getting a 'better job' and staying put in this house with his grandparents until they pass. This also means YOU would be their caregiver, don't forget! That's part of b/f's plans too.

Save some $$ and get a place of your own so you can move on with your life, meet a guy who can put YOU first, and build a future together. You deserve it.
You're worth it. Don't ever forget it.

Your life plan is important. After 4 years I would need a ring and a wedding date set for this year or we are done. Valentine's Day is just around the corner. You have been given very good advice especially on planning your escape from this trap. Start saving your money for a new life. He is not going to wake up and smell the roses on what he has in you because he is comfortable with the way things are. I wouldn't want to live surrounded by dog poop or washing some other woman's dishes either.
Once I was in a similar situation. I decided that I deserved more out of life.
Eight years later I met my husband. We've been married for 23 years.
Know the value of your own worth.
Let us know where you land. Good Luck!

Move out

Why is that even a question? You know she doesn't respect ppl's boundaries but yet you're still considering. Do you have a high tolerance for ppl like her? Have you lived with an invasive person before and if so how did you deal with it? You need to ask yourself these questions before moving in bc if you think her invasiveness may be a problem then don't move in. Think about your relationship with the bf snd how it may cause friction and most importantly protect your mental health.

Literally every other detail aside, as a human being you shouldn't have to live alongside dog sh!t if you don't want to. Tell your BF you have some needs, like the floor being free of excrement and having a few clean dishes, and if that can't happen you'll need to find alternative living arrangements.

Heck, rent an Airb&b for a week to just get the normal living experience, it sounds like it's been a while.

You didn't say that this *wasn't* true, but what if you also were dealing w/ OCD or something that made this unsanitary environment even more difficult? Would BF care then?

Good luck.

You kind of said it yourself. You are not his priority. Grandma is. And you are basically the free help, or the help in exchange for room and board. I can't imagine the strain on a new relationship. It sounds it is going the direction it is bound to go. I believe I might, if I truly loved the guy, and believed him to be a truly good guy, quietly work and save for a first and last, move to a studio and keep or get a good job, and help him where/when I was able, be a support in that way. We aren't really an advice column to the lovelorn and you know lots more about your relationship than we could even begin to guess at, so this is really your decision and a New Year turning is a good time to consider what you want for your future. Things won't change where you are; things won't get better, but rather first.
Sure do wish you luck. We have seen over a few years more than a few broken relationships, many involving marriage and children. You are lucky that no solid plans are in place for a marriage, though I understand this is still difficult and heartbreaking. Reality bites!

This is why you don't move in with a guy if your ultimate goal is marriage and a family life together. He has zero incentive to change things or work with you to get on the same page. You're on his page, and that's good enough for him.

I'm sure he's not a bad guy, but nonetheless I suggest you move out and get on with your life. There isn't a spot for you in his life right now.

" his grandpa gave the place to him before he passed"

I too would like to know how this was done. If grandma was on the deed, grandpa can't give the house to anyone. He had to be sole owner.

I think you know the answer you just want confirmation. You see where you future is here. It doesn't matter who grandpa gave the house to. As long as grandma is living in the house, its her house and things go her way. Sounds to me like she doesn't realize grandpa gave it to grandson. How much do you do there? I bet a lot so dear BF and grandma have a built in maid.

If there has been no commitment in your relationship, time to move on. Don't give any ultimatums, they never work out. Hopefully you have never co-mingled money. Find yourself a place to live and when you do, move out. Telling him you can't live this way. He can always come spend time at your place if u continue the relationship.

You've been together for 4 years now and still no ring on it??? That should tell you all you need to know. You obviously are not his top priority, and that my dear should be a HUGE red flag to you.
You deserve so much better, but until you realize that you do, you will continue to put up with being low on his list of priorities.
I'm guessing that you're fairly young, so it's time to pack your things and move out, and get on with your life.
If your boyfriend wants to continue living with his grandma, well more power to him, but it sounds like grandma has him right where she wants him, at her beck and call. He needs to stop enabling her, and let her do things for herself. And if she wants to live in filth, well that's on her. But it doesn't mean that either of you have to.
So realistically, you both need to move out and get on with your lives---just not together though.

About 5 years ago my SIL and BIL moved in with my FIL and it turned into a caregiver situation(with some other issues from their end with some financial issues). They will not be inheriting his home. When he passes away, if the home is still there to inherit - and has not been sold to pay for HIS care - the home will go to both my SIL and my husband as per his will. If they wanted to stay in the house, they would have to buy out my husband's portion. So I would be curious, was your BF's grandmother not on the deed to the house? Did she and his grandfather sign the deed over to your BF before he died? (which could also cause some problems with Medicaid, but that's another story) If not, then it is highly unlikely that your BF is inheriting that house anytime soon.

The more likely scenario is that BFs grandfather told BF that when his grandmother passes away some day, he would LIKE him to inherit as thanks for taking care of them. Which is of course a very lovely thought, but not legally binding in anyway. And also not in anyway happening unless his grandmother does something to ensure that it will happen when SHE passes away. And that still requires that the house isn't sold to cover HER care if she is on the deed because that house belongs to her once her husband passed away if her name is on the deed and/or she lives in a community property state.

That all being said, your BF and certainly YOU are under no obligation to continue to provide her care. He may feel some moral sense of obligation but even that isn't a requirement for either of you, only his potential guilt or sense that he owes that to her. You will have to come to an agreement together of whether that is something that you can sustain and honestly I would remove that expectation of getting the house from the caregiving because that is not a done deal.

I'm guessing you and BF are fairly young, have a lot of your lives ahead of you and you have plans for that life that as you said, don't likely include caregiving for a large chunk of it. You probably want a home of your own, maybe children. Not that caregiving precludes that but it will certainly make it more difficult. You may even think we'll just put all of that on hold until she passes...but that could be YEARS. Never underestimate just how long a person can live -no sarcasm here. People are living a lot longer now. Even seemingly unhealthy people. You could potentially be spending a decade or more of your life taking care of her. So you have to weigh what you both want out of your life. And if she is unable to care for herself and you do not wish to continue with the caregiving arrangement it is time for her find another one - whatever that may look like. And you can't let yourselves be held hostage for a 'promised' house that you may not get to begin with.

Additionally, as Geaton mentioned, you are in a long term relationship with BF, nearly 5 years now, but have you had that conversation with him about his future plans - where he sees your relationship - does he plan to put off your future until his grandmother caregiving days are over? Would that make a difference to you? Because yes, she recently lost her spouse and her no longer doing anything for herself *could* be temporary - but it could also be her new normal - and if that is the case - she is going to do less and less for herself until she is doing nothing. And if that is what happens and she becomes homebound and bedbound - let me tell you - that means you are either homebound too - or you have to start hiring help and you are in a whole new world. Caregiving consumes you. And before you know it, 5 more years will have passed and you are looking back at your life and nothing has changed and you wonder what happened.

Take a good look at where you are right now. Take your life in your hands. If you want it to change, sit down and talk to your BF and find out where he is and what you can expect now so you can make your future plans.

Your boyfriend has shown you where his priorities lie and unfortunately for you, it’s not with you. Grandma isn’t changing, except to worsen, and you as a girlfriend have no power to make any changes with her. What you can do is leave and build a new life for yourself.

Another important question: who is the PoA for the Grandma? If currently no one and she refuses to legally assign a PoA, the caregiving for Grandma as she continues to age and decline will become increasingly challenging if no one has the legal authority to make decisions in her own best interests (family doesn't automatically get to do it just because they are related).

This forum has seen dilemmas like yours many times and suggestions are always the same: without a commitment to you from your BF, and with no clear ability or future plan for Grandma, you may waste more years waiting for someone who can't/won't make you a priority, can't/won't make a commitment, can't/won't make a decision and can't/won't solve his own problems. And in the meantime you may get roped into being part of their solution for their problem (as you already have by the fact you've moved in). Make it clear that you're not part of their solution and move out. Then see what he does and you will have your answer.

Many loving and well-meaning family members try to care for their elderly LOs themselves at a great personal cost (to themselves or another family members who has been assumed or pressured into that role). 100% never really understand the depth of this commitment when they take it on. But we're here to tell YOU. Forewarned is forearmed...

Grandpa passed recently? How recently? - i.e. when exactly?

How long have you actually been living with the family? And your boyfriend has always lived with them, has he?

So the 'just the facts Ma'am' could read something like;

You & BF moved in with his Grandparents.
Then Grandpa died.
Grandma just lost her husband.
Now you want what exactly?

Your side of the story is Grandma is bossy & Grandpa left the house to BF.

I'd be asking many questions, starting with 1. Who asked you both to move in? 2. Was it an agreed arrangement - help around the house to be GIVEN the deed to the house? 3. Really? 4. Wouldn't Grandma now own it?

I'd be very interested to hear Grandma's side of the story? May read these 2 moved in, took over, now won't leave & say the house is theirs!

Not trying to be rude - just that grandma may see this situation very very differently.

There are three suggestions that you move out, so here is something different.

How old is Grandma? Your profile says she has diabetes, mobility and vision problems, but it would help if you provided more information about how much care she actually needs. Plus what is she doing for self-care, what is BF doing and what are you doing.

Have any of you looked at the alternatives for her care? Senior Independent Living, or Assisted living – she probably doesn’t need Nursing Home or Memory Care. Have you looked at the finances for her moving out, and the pluses and minuses (eg money)? Have you looked at the options if you and BF move out, and she gets some in-home care? Or even Day Activity Centers? Have you checked the legality of GP’s ‘gift’ of the house to GM, whether it was in joint names (Medicaid implications if sole ownership and he ‘gifted’ GM’s moral share), the viability of selling the house while GM goes to supported living, and the options for you and BF to make living arrangements that are more appropriate for a young couple. And of course a clear idea of whether you intend to marry. Is this for life, or is it just supposed to be temporary (and if so is this relationship being enough fun to spend more time on it).

Before you consider moving out yourself, it would be good if you and BF could talk about the long term plans. You are not willing for things to go on like this for the next year, or indefinitely after that. Remember that the longer it goes on the worse it will get as her condition deteriorates and you get more and more fed up with it. You need BF to commit to a realistic plan, and set trigger points for moving on from the present arrangements (eg incontinence). It is more important to face the longer term than to complain about minor annoyances.

If your BF won’t do this, the next step might well be for you to move out ‘temporarily’. It gives you time to think again without the constant annoyances, and BF time to think about you and also get experience being the only support for GM.

If BF continues to refuse to plan for longer than a few months, your best bet could well be to write off this relationship and start again with someone else. Men who put mother or GM before their wife and family can keep going on the same script for years, even decades. They very often do have a ‘big heart’, and are smothered by FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt) because of the past. It can kill your own life independence permanently.

There is quite a lot of work in researching all this, and then talking it through to reach a decision for you and BF – let alone GM! This site can help- click on Care Topics on the top right of the screen, then on the alphabetic list – eg A for Assisted Living. Of course it would be good if BF takes on some of the researching work, and a very bad sign if he won’t. Best wishes for good results, Margaret

Anyone that puts their grandparents over their significant other has their priorities messed up. Where are his parents? Will they expect caregiving once Grandma is gone?

Run soon, run fast, run far. It sounds like he puts the BOY in boyfriend.

The grandma is using the "free room and board" excuse to her grandson.

I know of several women who did that with their sons.

Almost all failed. Almost all were emotionally stunted or regressed. Most were addicts. One died, one is dying, one is disabled, one's homeless.

Getting a 24/7 servant PLUS the housekeeping/gardening duties would cost her $200K a year. This is even before we get into fecal incontinence and dementia. And she's demanding this after ONLY one year? What do you think she'll be like in 20? Because what is she, 70-something?

Ever seen a cup with like dead flies in it?

The only change you'll see in her wanting to make nice temporarily if you (actually he, not you) squawks. So kindly tell him that as of some deadline in this calendar year, you will be out of there. You would welcome him coming with you, but as of this date, you must continue your life.

It sounds like your boyfriend has no problem with living there and maintaining the status quo. Perhaps you need to start prioritizing your own well-being. He has made it clear that he's ok with the way it is and you are not (I don't blame you).

Begin by looking into other living arrangements. Get your own apartment or share with a roommate. Be honest with him and just say you can't see yourself living like this indefinitely.

And I don't know her, I can't say for certain, but it sounds like she may be getting dementia (dirtying dishes & blaming others, not cleaning up after her dog)and may need more assistance in the future and you would probably get sucked into that too.

By moving out, it will also force him to take a good hard look into his own living situation knowing there won't be anybody there to pick up the slack.

I wish you the best.

I don't think you need to break up but you should definitely put up your own boundary and move out. This will clarify things for him. I'm sure he loves his grandma and is conflicted. But after 4 years he needs to make your future together a priority and help grandma find another solution for her care.

When you say, "...his grandpa gave the place to him before he passed" does this mean he actually inherited it and it didn't go to his grandma? Did he have this in his will? Did he transfer the deed to him? Or was this simply a verbal promise? If just a verbal promise this may not hold legal water.

The grandma may have the beginnings of dementia based on how you describe her behaviors. If so, your BF may be over his head in caregiving before long. Yes, move out to set a boundary and get perspective on the situation (and to escape being assumed into caregiving yourself).

You are not a priority in his life at this time.
You do not mention how long you have lived with his grandparents.
Does his grandma actually need help, a caregiver? Is your boyfriend working or caring for grandma only? And is he getting paid for caregiving?
I suggest you look for an apartment.
Pack your belongings and move out.
If you can not afford an apartment move in with a friend.
If you want to continue the relationship he can start over and begin “dating” you again and show you are a priority.
How did he end up being the caregiver? Is there no other family that will help out? I think the value of the house would have to be in the 1 million or more in value to get me to turn my life upside down and become an indentured servant. And even at that if I could not see an end to the servitude I would pass.