My boyfriend & I have been living with his grandparents so he could help them out around the house.
Recently his grandpa passed and his grandma just acts like she can’t do anything for herself anymore.
She’s bossy towards him and acts like he owes her. Anytime he doesn’t do exactly what she wants when she wants it she threatens to throw him out even though his grandpa gave the place to him before he passed and she claims she can’t do anything then why is she always trying to throw him out?
She’s always dirtying dishes after I wash them and then tells my boyfriend she wishes we’d do them.
Not to mention her dog pees and poops everywhere and she never cleans it up.
I started watching to see how frequently she’d clean it up and it would sit there all day long until my boyfriend would say something to her.
I want a house where there’s no feces on the floor for a long period of time. I want a nice relaxing place where I can relax.
I feel bad because I know he has a big heart & he tells me how she practically raised him.
I just wish he treated our relationship like a priority.
I asked him where he saw us in a year & he said with better jobs but everything else to pretty much stay the same.
Note we’ve together for 4 years now so in a year it would be 5 and I don’t see myself still living with his grandma and not even being engaged and no life plan.
What should I do? I feel like I’m running out of ideas.
Run soon, run fast, run far. It sounds like he puts the BOY in boyfriend.
Begin by looking into other living arrangements. Get your own apartment or share with a roommate. Be honest with him and just say you can't see yourself living like this indefinitely.
And I don't know her, I can't say for certain, but it sounds like she may be getting dementia (dirtying dishes & blaming others, not cleaning up after her dog)and may need more assistance in the future and you would probably get sucked into that too.
By moving out, it will also force him to take a good hard look into his own living situation knowing there won't be anybody there to pick up the slack.
I wish you the best.
You do not mention how long you have lived with his grandparents.
Does his grandma actually need help, a caregiver? Is your boyfriend working or caring for grandma only? And is he getting paid for caregiving?
I suggest you look for an apartment.
Pack your belongings and move out.
If you can not afford an apartment move in with a friend.
If you want to continue the relationship he can start over and begin “dating” you again and show you are a priority.
How did he end up being the caregiver? Is there no other family that will help out? I think the value of the house would have to be in the 1 million or more in value to get me to turn my life upside down and become an indentured servant. And even at that if I could not see an end to the servitude I would pass.
I know of several women who did that with their sons.
Almost all failed. Almost all were emotionally stunted or regressed. Most were addicts. One died, one is dying, one is disabled, one's homeless.
Getting a 24/7 servant PLUS the housekeeping/gardening duties would cost her $200K a year. This is even before we get into fecal incontinence and dementia. And she's demanding this after ONLY one year? What do you think she'll be like in 20? Because what is she, 70-something?
Ever seen a cup with like dead flies in it?
The only change you'll see in her wanting to make nice temporarily if you (actually he, not you) squawks. So kindly tell him that as of some deadline in this calendar year, you will be out of there. You would welcome him coming with you, but as of this date, you must continue your life.
You & BF moved in with his Grandparents.
Then Grandpa died.
Grandma just lost her husband.
Now you want what exactly?
Your side of the story is Grandma is bossy & Grandpa left the house to BF.
I'd be asking many questions, starting with 1. Who asked you both to move in? 2. Was it an agreed arrangement - help around the house to be GIVEN the deed to the house? 3. Really? 4. Wouldn't Grandma now own it?
I'd be very interested to hear Grandma's side of the story? May read these 2 moved in, took over, now won't leave & say the house is theirs!
Not trying to be rude - just that grandma may see this situation very very differently.
You deserve so much better, but until you realize that you do, you will continue to put up with being low on his list of priorities.
I'm guessing that you're fairly young, so it's time to pack your things and move out, and get on with your life.
If your boyfriend wants to continue living with his grandma, well more power to him, but it sounds like grandma has him right where she wants him, at her beck and call. He needs to stop enabling her, and let her do things for herself. And if she wants to live in filth, well that's on her. But it doesn't mean that either of you have to.
So realistically, you both need to move out and get on with your lives---just not together though.
When you say, "...his grandpa gave the place to him before he passed" does this mean he actually inherited it and it didn't go to his grandma? Did he have this in his will? Did he transfer the deed to him? Or was this simply a verbal promise? If just a verbal promise this may not hold legal water.
The grandma may have the beginnings of dementia based on how you describe her behaviors. If so, your BF may be over his head in caregiving before long. Yes, move out to set a boundary and get perspective on the situation (and to escape being assumed into caregiving yourself).
This forum has seen dilemmas like yours many times and suggestions are always the same: without a commitment to you from your BF, and with no clear ability or future plan for Grandma, you may waste more years waiting for someone who can't/won't make you a priority, can't/won't make a commitment, can't/won't make a decision and can't/won't solve his own problems. And in the meantime you may get roped into being part of their solution for their problem (as you already have by the fact you've moved in). Make it clear that you're not part of their solution and move out. Then see what he does and you will have your answer.
Many loving and well-meaning family members try to care for their elderly LOs themselves at a great personal cost (to themselves or another family members who has been assumed or pressured into that role). 100% never really understand the depth of this commitment when they take it on. But we're here to tell YOU. Forewarned is forearmed...
I too would like to know how this was done. If grandma was on the deed, grandpa can't give the house to anyone. He had to be sole owner.
I think you know the answer you just want confirmation. You see where you future is here. It doesn't matter who grandpa gave the house to. As long as grandma is living in the house, its her house and things go her way. Sounds to me like she doesn't realize grandpa gave it to grandson. How much do you do there? I bet a lot so dear BF and grandma have a built in maid.
If there has been no commitment in your relationship, time to move on. Don't give any ultimatums, they never work out. Hopefully you have never co-mingled money. Find yourself a place to live and when you do, move out. Telling him you can't live this way. He can always come spend time at your place if u continue the relationship.
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