Follow
Share

My mother had 3 strokes 6 years ago and is miraculously doing well; most people don't notice changes. I do. And, I notice more changes recently. She just turned 81 last week.


The changes are not "Who are you?" or anything that severe. However, they concern me. I make her angry when I tell her I notice changes. She feels like she can't do anything right then I feel like crap because that is not my intent.


She suffers from nerve pain as well (not sciatica or anything of that nature - much worse) so that adds to a cognitive functioning loss; pain diminishes her functioning and everything else is so difficult.


She takes 2 pain meds once a day and I think it adds to some sort of diminishing capacity.


I don't know how to handle all these changes. I am an only child. I have therapy once a week online, but sometimes I feel like I need it daily.


I just retired 3 months ago and moved in part-time with my mom and part-time with my partner/boyfriend of 15 years. I'm glad I did, but it's hard too because she's cluttered and loses things a lot and is so much slower.


She still drives safely in the neighborhood, goes to the cafe, bookstore, and the flower shop. But I worry all the time.


I just need a forum to vent and hopefully get support.

I think this will not get better, and I think that you know that. You are seeing the decline that we ALL see. And you know where it is going. And you are seeing it could consume your entire life. And it could.
You are going to have to accept your limitations. Explore that with your on line person.
You can't cure this. You can't fix this. This won't get better. And you have expressed it so well. So I know you see and understand this.
So. Your limitations. Know what they are. Start to journal. Start to decide "when". Some men aren't talkers; if yours is, tell your concerns, and try to come together on what will make you have to consider placement. It could be years off. You don't know how fast things can progress, or how slowly. So you cannot guess. But when you are there more than you are with your partner? You know then you are losing your life quite literally.
Discuss things with your Mom if she is able. If she is not, don't whisper a word. The former is the more likely. Come together with your partner with a plan. Who will be POA, what circumstances indicate that placement is necessary. Be willing to talk about it. If you have to set a time "30 minutes every Friday evening with a glass of wine" then do that.
I trust you will know. Do NOT expect you can fix things. Not everything can be fixed. Do not expect things can be happy all the time. Mom is starting a decline. Things will often NOT be happy. Do not expect to be a Sainted Martyr. They always get little thanks and are expected through eternity to answer the prayers of us all.
I wish you so much luck. I think you know what you are seeing, what you are feeling, and you are trying to plan ahead. That is great. But also know that some monkey wrench is gonna get thrown at you any second. Be ready to duck. You have my heart. Keep updating us.
Do what you can to set things in motion for a clear POA, or DPOA for financial and health care. Discuss with Mom what she wants if she passes out and "goes" on you. Get together with her and her Doc. Try to make a solid base on which to flounder about (as we all do). I FEEL you trying to do everything right. Know that, in this, some will be more wrong than you could ever imagine; that's OK. Do what you can. Stick around the forum and read. Wishing you all the luck in the world going forward.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report
onlyonethereis Sep 24, 2019
Wow! You are not helpful. Off the mark completely. Not heard at all.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
I am an only child and see lots of changes in my Mom as well. From her anger towards me when I try to address her lack of safety, to bad decision making, to disparaging ethnic groups (includes her son-in-law) to inappropriately touching others.

You are retired - congratulations on having more time for yourself! Please schedule in daily time for self care - reading, walking (or other form of physical activity), enjoying nature, a hobby, etc. As lealonnie1 said- you will handle issues that arise with Mom as they come. No need to worry ahead of time ...

This online support group is available daily and has certainly helped me. Search around for a caregiver support group by contacting local hospitals.

Wishing you all the best. Post us on your progress.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Katsmihur
Report
onlyonethereis Sep 23, 2019
Thanks. I would do a support group in person, but there are entertainment factors as to why I don't feel safe - so can't; hence, this online forum.

Yes, worrying ahead of time is one of my strengths, and faults!
(1)
Report
I'm an only child too, so I know the anxiety of trying to be 'everything' to our mothers. You should probably look into getting her some in-home help rather than living with her part-time, because you need a life of your own, too. You're not going to be able to take away her pain, and you can't internalize it YOURSELF, or you'll wind up suffering health problems as a result. Your mother has lived a life of 81 years already, and now it's your turn to live your own life. Help her as much as you can, of course, but not to where you're making yourself sick. "Worrying" all the time isn't going to help you, either.....it's just ruining your joy TODAY expecting disaster to strike TOMORROW. You'll deal with the troubles if and when they come up, and not beforehand. That's a good message to repeat to yourself on a daily basis. Live the "One Day at a Time" lifestyle, for your own sake.

Take care of YOU, my friend. All the best.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to lealonnie1
Report
onlyonethereis Sep 23, 2019
No, living with her part-time is my plan for one year, have no desire to change that at this point. But, yes "on day at a time" is what I strive for.

I guess the way I express myself in the written word was taken a bit too far. I don't sit and worry and have health problems - not who I am. My health problems came and went well before my mom aged, and before I aged too. I am not making myself sick. I wish I hadn't written anything.

I am living my life. I travel and do other things as well.

Thanks.
(2)
Report

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter