I am seeking wording to send to a nephew whom I do not want to have access to my Mom unsupervised. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

I am seeking wording to send to a nephew whom I do not want to have access to my Mom unsupervised. Any advice?

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My nephew has a documented history of anger, directed at my mother, regarding demands for money. As her Power of Attorney designee, I want to notify him that any contact with her is to be supervised. I live in TX and she in MS.

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I like Countrymouse's proposed letter, but that's what I would SAY to him first, in addition to informing him that all requests for money must go through you as you access funds funds on mom's behalf, after enlisting the support of the nursing home staff. Them if he won't voluntarily comply, you go to step 2 which is no in-person contact. Most facilities can restrict visitations via security notices. Actually, he may not want to see her at all if he knows he is not going to get money any more.
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i had two crackhead nephews that used to drop in on my mom , distract her , then steal pills and cash from her purse . i hurled a complete tire and rim thru the windshield of an old car they had sitting in the driveway , just for a violent visual effect and my son called them and offered to stomp their guts out . they never came back again . both of our actions were fairly illegal but mom was living alone at the time and clearly those boys havent a shred of common decency . for the right amount of money they could have hurt her then killed her to cover up the crime . in the next 7 yrs mom never mentioned them again so she must not have missed their slackjoweled antics .
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Thinking over this situation, I think the staff at the nursing home might balk at becoming involved in this kind of family intervention which essentially requires them to accept a higher level of monitoring to protect against the nephew. And it's not a onetime event, but rather a potentially open end possibility.

From a legal standpoint, I think their objection would be stronger. First, how are they going to monitor who comes in and out, and know when the nephew is there if he decides to just show up? I haven't yet been in a facility which doesn't have an open door policy for visitors. They'd have to have some kind of monitoring protocoal.

Second, if he becomes belligerent or insistent, is it their obligation to prevent access, when in theory they're acting as YOUR agents? Who signed the admission forms? You or your mother?

Third, if he somehow does get access to your mother and does in fact hit on her for money, are you going to blame the nursing home and its staff? That's a potential liability they wouldn't want. They have enough liability just caring for patients.

CM also raises a good question: where do the aunt and uncle stand on this issue and why aren't they involved?

I laud your attempt to protect your mother, and I wish I could think of a better arrangement but I'm just not sure it's workable unless you get a PPO against the nephew. Even then, someone would have to notify the police if he did violate it, so you still have that issue of someone acting on your behalf, theoretically as your agent.

This is more drastic, but have you thought of moving her to a nursing home close to you and away from the nephew? I would think she'd want to be closer to her son anyway, unless she has dementia and the move would be too traumatic for her.

I'm also confused because your profile states that you live in MS, and your post states you live in Texas.
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Beforehand, you notify the facility that Nephew has been formally advised that he is required to give 48 hours' notice of telephone calls or visits to his aunt and request that they turn him away unless he has complied with that condition. You may find that they're not happy with this conditional arrangement, in which case you have a choice of banning him completely or simply requesting that they monitor his visits closely. They'd probably prefer the ban, if there's a substantial risk of abusive behaviour.

Once the facility has acknowledged and agreed your proposed changes to procedures, you then need to notify your nephew. Keep it courteous but detached in tone, e.g.:

***

Dear [forename of nephew, if you usually call him by it]

This letter is about arrangements for visiting or calling your grandmother in future.

You ought to be aware that your visits to [whatever he calls her] on [cite example dates] left her feeling upset and threatened by what she perceived as forceful demands for money. You will understand that it cannot be acceptable for anything like this to happen again.

However, it would upset [grandmother's name] to think that you were not allowed to see or call her; so her facility has been asked to assist with visits or telephone calls. The arrangements now in place are that calls will be conducted on speaker phone with a member of staff present in the room, while visits will take place in shared rooms in the facility - such as the dining and sitting rooms, but not your grandmother's own private room. You are welcome to call or visit [grandmother's name], but for staffing reasons you will need to me know by telephone or email at least 48 hours in advance so that I can notify the facility. It is important that you keep to this because otherwise you will be turned away.

My authority to put these arrangements in place is supported by the Attorney-In-Fact document registered at [name of court] on [date], which requires me to act in your grandmother's best interests. If you have any questions please email me etc.

***
But on second thoughts, why aren't your nephew's parents dealing with this?
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If your mom resides in a large facility i dont think that having the receptionist, nurses aids and nurses policing your moms visitors is actually going to work out the way you want. Most of the nursing homes i have been in tend to stay out of the room when patients have visitors. How would you handle it if nephew shows up unannounced? This plan may work on paper but i dont think there is any real way for you to implement it the way you would like. Are your nephews parents around and could they be of sny help? I think expecting the staff to police visitors is unrealistic unless the facility has very high security measures in place. I would hate to think that with a few people tied up with your nephews unannounced visit that the situation could possibly mean someone else is not getting the medical or personal care they need. Think you are between a rock and a hard place with this one. personally, i wouldnt send such a formal note. Your note, although exact and to the point, sounds more like one i would expect to see on legal letterhead. Good luck
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Charles, how would you plan to implement supervised phone calls? By conference call?

I'm just thinking of how your proposed statement could be challenged by your nephew, which I'm sure will happen.

I also agree with Jeanne and Maggie that a DPOA generally wouldn't create authority over visitor restriction. If your mother has a Living Will or Advanced Directive and you have designated authority to act in medical situations when she can't, that might be more appropriate as you could consider that you're protecting her mental and physical health by creating the visiting restrictions.

I also like Maggie's idea of letting him know up front that there are no funds available for him to seek.

And just as a matter of safety and security, NEVER state your real name on a forum. If I were you, I'd contact the Admins and ask to have your name removed and substituted with a generic John Doe or something like that.
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He doesn't have to pay any attention to that at all. As her POA, you don't have that authority unless your mom has been found incompetent. Better, imo, to take a softer approach AND INCLUDE that your mom no longer has access to her personal funds...that you have taken control of all of her accounts as her POA, and that any and all requests for funds must come to you.

If you really feel your nephew is a danger to your mom, go to court and get a restraining order against him. Give a copy of it to the NH and tell them I've is not allowed on the premises.

Go big or go home.
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Well, it is clear and to the point.

Enforcing it might be the hard part. Is he apt to comply?

Does your mother agree with this edict? Does she want him to visit? If she is competent, your POA really does not authorize you to restrict her visitors. If she agrees that his visits are a problem, then no problem -- you are acting on her behalf to do what she wants done.

In my mother's NH, visitors just walk in and go to the room they want. We do not check in and the staff does not keep track of visitors, except informally. I'm trying to think how this would work there. If we told staff that Soandso was not to visit our mom, that he upsets her and tries to get money from her, they might try to notice if he is there. They would certainly notice if he got loud and angry. But I am certain that Soandso could get into Mom's room on at least some of his attempts.

I guess the first step is to give him notice. But thinking ahead to enforcement is perhaps the next step.

Good luck.
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I would appreciate feedback about the following statement, to provide to my nephew, based on answers provided to my question:

As the Power of Attorney Designee for Margaret , the attorney-in-fact document which has been filed with County Court, am hereby stating that any and all visits with Margaret, including those by telephone, must be planned ahead and supervised. Any and all visits require 48 hours’ advance written notice and approval, with supervision of visits approved by and details provided by me.
Please direct any questions or visit requests to me via email at
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Is there someone in MS who can supervise these visits, or would you want staff in the nursing home to do it? If the latter, I'm thinking they might not want that responsibility.

I'm assuming the nephew is also in MS? Would his parents assist you and provide the necessary supervision?

I think I would keep the letter short and simple. You don't need to go into details. Just state that if he wishes to see her, he must do so under your approved supervision. Period. That leaves you flexibility to name some to supervise.

Don't offer any explanations that he might try to challenge.

There's another more drastic measure if you decide you don't want him to see her at all, and that's to get a PPO.

But I would also talk to the nursing home staff and see what their recommendations are, as physically they're going to be the ones to intervene and/or take action if he defies your instructions. And there would be another question - would he comply or defy?
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