Hello, I’m having a hard time getting over resentment towards my sister for not helping my mother. I just can’t get it through my head that family can be like that. My mother has recently passed away and she is also not doing her executor duties. I’m just struggling with the resentment. Is it ok I am resentful and that our relationship might be over because I just can’t accept the type of person she is?

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You'll have to decide if you allow this resentment to eat you up or move on. I had a similar situation. After being angry and resentful for several years, I finally had to accept that my sister was not changing. My mother had long ago accepted her choices and behaviors. Was my sister wrong or bad? No, she just didn't feel the responsibility the same way I did and she didn't allow guilt to run her life. She was actually healthier than some other family members who were present but resented every minute they "helped." After a few years, I figured out I could only be responsible for my choices, my resentment and most importantly, my happiness. My sister and I healed our relationship... thankfully... because my sister was diagnosed with cancer and died a year later. My mom is still alive, kicking and needs help. All of things I worried about and resented before are still there, just in a different form. My sister is gone. Being angry and resentful didn't change a thing.
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Reply to sadTexasSister

A relationship is your choice. If your sister isn’t a person you want any relationship with, or just a limited one, those are fine choices. But resentment doesn’t change your sister and only causes you pain, both emotional and mental, possibly even physical. I’d urge you to let go of the resentment, it’s easy to fall into when people let you down but as it only hurts you it’s best to let it go
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Reply to Daughterof1930

I have a sister that did nothing for mom...or dad. Not trying to "one up" you, but I assume that yours at least attended the funeral?? My sister never called, sent a card, or phoned during their illnesses and decline. I always made sure that she knew of mom and dad's circumstances, so the ball was in her court to do what she willed. She did not attend either funeral. I can safely say, since my sister hasn't cared about her family (aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, brothers, me) for so many years she ended all relations a long time ago. I kept the door open, but as it turns out, for nothing. Am I resentful? Of course. Do I wish she and I could have shared in the fun social things that many sisters do? Naturally! Is there anything I could do to change the situation? Tried them all. Like parents who don't divorce for the sake of the kids, I went through the motions of maintaining communication with her for Mom and Dad. They have passed on and I have come to the conclusion that to keep trying to reach out to her is really toxic for me. So I am letting go and it feels good and right. You need to find your comfort zone. Can you minimize your interactions with your sister until the pain of your mother's passing softens? Then go through a values exercise of the pros and cons of ending your relationship with her. Time can provide perspective. If in a year or so, nothing has changed, then be free, but don't make this move in a hurried way and don't do it in anger....just let go.
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Reply to lynina2

We cannot control others, only ourselves. Once we accept others the way they are, life is much easier. It doesn't mean we agree or like the way they are, but everyone is different and has their own reasons. There is a sense of peace when letting go. Maybe years down the road when wounds heal, maybe you'll have a conversation and learn from their point of view how they saw things. OR, maybe not.... but that letting go of control truly does give you peace.
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Reply to Myownlife

How you feel is completely understandable and warranted, have no shame about that. But all those negative feelings will not help - they will continue to hurt you. My husband has a lot of anger and resentment against his only sister who has no sense of responsibility to her father. Doc lives with us, we’ve ran to his rescue and cared for him for the last 5 years with no help whatsoever. Uprooted our children, moved to a new home and are still struggling to juggle our responsibilities to the law practice and real estate company we own while we care for Doc’s every need every day. She works part time, lives about 15 mins away and she has seen dad maybe 5 times in the last year. Can’t count the times she has been asked to check on him on days we simply cannot be home for several hours - she doesn’t even respond to those texts to help - she fails to simply call Doc and make sure he’s ok. In fact, the last time she came over, she asked me if dad ate. When I said he can probably eat, did you bring lunch? She expected me to provide the lunch! She sees her visits to my home as an opportunity to be served. This has gone on for years, and I am old school, nobody is going to go hungry in my home. This is during the workday while I am drafting documents or on the phone with clients. Selfish, ignorant and self centered, and my husband is extremely bitter about her, so I try not to fan the flames. Instead, remember how God has put you in a position to help rather than be helped (can’t tell you how often that statement alone has comforted me), and we have to run our race regardless of what others do and don’t do. If she is failing to meet her duties, have her removed. There’s no love lost for one who has no sense of obligation to family. Treat it like a business transaction and save your sanity - she’s not worth losing an ounce of peace over.
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Reply to CaringForDoc

There may be other reasons she is unable to help. My brother lived 5 hours away and had a very demanding job as a self employed organist and organ tuner. He was always busy on the weekends with services and if there was a problem with an organ, he had to immediately fix it. He traveled every day, sometimes 100 miles or more. I understood this, but thought that he could probably make some time to visit my mother when she was diagnosed with cancer. He came twice: one night and left early the next day, and later when my son went to college he stayed with her about 4 hours to give the sitter a break. I really thought he did not do as much as he could.
Fast forward to this year, when he was diagnosed ( and later passed away) with cancer. His neighbors filled me in. His wife resented my family and mother. She would not let him leave. She had 3 children at home and was unable to hold down a job herself. The neighbors said he was always good to them, but they had their problems and often had big fights, often about his work and family. So we don't always know the whole story.
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Reply to nan252

Tracy72: I totally understand what you are saying. I have only one sibling, an older sister. We were never close but now it's even worse, at least in my mind. My mother who just turned 100 has been in a nursing home after a hip fracture for almost two years. I can count on one hand the amount of times my sister has been there. She never calls, doesn't send a mother's day card. She visits during my mother's birthday month and during December (mind you she lives about an hour and 20 minutes away). I don't know if I can ever get over this behavior. Even when my mother dies, I don't think I will have a relationship with her. I just don't understand how you can treat your family that way. So I say, yes it is okay. Why keep chasing pain and trying to like a person that you would never choose as a friend. Just because people are biologically related doesn't mean they like each other.
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Reply to janeyd54

Well, I have a different problem with my sister, and would rather be in your situation than mine if that makes you feel some better.
I posted on here for advise also, so you can read my posting if you want for more info.
I am almost sure my relationship with my only sister is beyond repairable, and look for it to get even worse because I look for her to try and bring a lawsuit against me!
What started it was the fact that my mother chose me to be her POA before and in case she ever got sick. Now she has dementia and lives with me, and my sister can't stand it! She wants to know where every dollar is spent. It has obviously been about a little bit of money to her from the start. She is so scared there will be nothing left for her to get her greedy little hands on when mom passes! Funny thing is our mother doesn't have any money! It takes most of her check each mth to take care of her, and yes I think what's left over from her check each month should go to the one that has laid her life down to take care of her 24/7! For instance, my husband and I just turned down a $7,000.00 all expense paid trip to Jamaica because I thought it may be bad on mom. So am I wrong by feeling that way?
Anyway, Just wanted to let you know that my heart goes out to you. It's a bad feeling when you have to come to the realization that you are just too different to get along with the sister you thought you would have a great relationship with until the day you die. I have decided it's better to just let her see mom as much as I am required to, but keep my distance as much as possible too. Things just get worse the more I am around her now. I will always love her in my heart but had to realize we are just too different to get along anymore! She see's things one way and I see them another, and nothing is ever going to change that!!! So anyway, try not to allow hate to move in, and the best way to do that is to probably limit the time you have to look at her. And I promise you will gain your award one day for doing the right thing by taking care of your mother! We will be praying for you and please do the same for us. May God bless you richly for taking on such a challenge! You have to be a great person for doing so!
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Reply to Cateyes
cpabooks Aug 26, 2018
I thought I was reading my own post! No only did my sister never help out, my sister would call me to list chores for me to do on her behalf! I believe that, as the older sister, she thought that I needed her direction. Her unsolicited "wisdom" was her contribution in her mind. Like your sister, Cateyes, her interest soon turned completely to demands for money and accountings for everything Mom spent. I serve as POA but did not bother to have her declared incapacitated for many reasons, but the least of which was to free me from the accusations and suspicion. I don't have to account for our mother's personal assets until there is an estate. As a CPA, I did voluntarily account for everything four years, but my sister was such a pain with her lawyers, I have decided to give her nothing. Now they have nothing to work with and fuss over.
My relationship with her is forever damaged as I see her for who she is. I choose to detach from her as any sane person would for other addictions. Her addiction is conspicuous spending.
After four years of inattention, my sister took the premier class train (5 times the regular fare) 350 miles, a hired limousine for the day from her hotel, and stayed at a executive suite costing over $900--only because I was told by our attorney to offer her her expenses to say "good by" to Mom who is now in hospice. I don't believe she would have come otherwise. She stayed 15 minutes while my mother slept and drove off with her girlfriend in the limo for a night on the town.
I agree with another poster that being resentful while a normal reaction is hurting you and not her. The hardest part of a relationship like this is keeping these types of feelings bottled up and simmering and not expressing ourselves to that other person. They never realize how you are feeling and how their behavior is an issue. Have you approached her? Some people are plain just irresponsible, lazy and selfish and you can’t change them. Nor can you expect them to change just as no one could change who you are. The best thing to do is accept the type of person she became, it’s out of your control, air your feelings with her and move on if she continues her selfish ways. You don’t need her in your life just because she's blood. I’m sorry about your mother and that you’re having to endure this. Invite her over for coffee with a sit down written agenda. When she speaks, listen without interrupting and then see if you can reach a fair solution.
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Reply to Harpcat

Hi. I am the only daughter, I am POA, financial and medical. In 2015, my mother had numerous health issues from April until October. I had to make many difficult decisions. I took this responsibility seriously and did not make any decision “on a whim.”

My mother is a difficult person. She has never truly accepted me for who I am. She has never really been a mother to me. It’s too long to go into. However, I do love her and I know she did the best she could when I was a child. She has not been happy with some of the decisions I’ve made.

My older brother has helped me some. My younger brother will no longer communicate with me. I made a big mistake in trying to get him to help and take some responsibility during all of this situation. He refused every time despite having no children in his home any longer, despite living approximately 20 minutes away from my mother. I struggled with this a lot. I requested a meeting with my younger brother and his wife. I apologized for my part in the problems and was told they accepted my apology. We were on speaking terms for a brief period. To his credit, he visits her every 2 - 3 months. Then, after almost two years of my mother living with my husband and I (and at three weeks here she started faulting my husband with everything - he was the person who brought up allowing her to move in, by the way) I felt I had done all I could in respect to mom living with us. I literally took three days thinking through my options and consequences of those options. Finally, mom moved from here back to home where she has some help, I continue to go over there usually twice a week. The younger brother has resented mom moving back to her home stating “he would have sold that house long ago”. I feel, since the house is in the three of our names all he wants is the money. Other people agree with this deduction. If there is any money left he will get his fair share.

i do not have any desire to have any type of relationship with him. I will not be rude to him. I would consider a resolution, but he would have to initiate it and put effort into it. I have no expectations of this. I have become indifferent towards him. I do not “wish” him any negativity or difficulties. I feel I have moved on and he is stuck. He will be the one to live with this for the rest of his life, personally I could not abandon any person in need of help. There are always small things a person can do to lift others.
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Reply to NicoleAnn

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