Resentment towards sister. Any advice?

been there done that and learned that I have a family and life of my own and I need to let go and go about my business. Four sisters not one willing to help, call or offer a penny to my parents in their elderly sickly years till their passing.
I gave up asking,, begging and even caring for my sisters due to the lack of care when it came to my parents lives. they claimed they have their own and don't have time for parents. well I have my own also, kids, job, husband, home etc but I managed to take care of them.
As the parents got worse health wise I realized my time with them was limited so I decided to move in with them and love them as much as I could to the very end. and that is what I did.
I had four sisters once, but not anymore.
my parents, their parents brought us into this world , loved them and was always their for them and they don't have time to chip in to help with them.
go on with your life. forget about them as you now know who and what your they are, truly are....if something happened to you I hope you don't try to depend on them as lepard don't change their spots if you know what I mean.
forget and concentrate on your family, loved ones and don't look back.

When feelings are so raw it is very hard to see things differently. You are grieving and missing your mom terribly and also feeling angry and let down by someone that simply, should have been there, with everything it implies.

Please know that sadly your situation is not uncommon; family members can display the most amazingly selfish behavior. I am afraid we all could write some pages describing how people has truly surprised us displaying behavior that we could have never imagined, yet, they are our family.

I think the only approach that could help me to see things under a different light would be to think about what my mom would have wanted me to do.
Would she have wanted me to be angry and resentful towards my sister?

Working on not resenting her, specially now that things are still fresh, still happening, is extremely hard, so what I would do is to keep distance, at least for now. And if she is not doing what she should still now, take it as ‘the expected’, nothing new, so no reason to add to the list of things that hurt you.

Stopping resenting someone that has hurt us deeply, particularly because I know she didn’t only let you down, but you feel she let your mom down too, which is also hurtful, is not a simple process; it will take time and patience, but keep in mind that resenting her will only hurt you, not so much her. She will continue living life as usual, meanwhile you will have have bitterness and a forever open wound in your heart.

Think about your mom, she would not want her daughters to resent each other, right?
Do what is in your hands, which is all you can control, to release the resentment, but for now distance yourself mentally and even physically. You need time and space to heal a little, but work on that resentment as soon as able, as soon as a little bit more at peace.

May God bless you and help you find the strength and wisdom to deal with this situation!

Ttracy72, welcome to my world only I have 3 siblings & 4 step-siblings. Mine never let me know about Mom's condition until they couldn't handle any longer. I went to Court and they just tell me they're glad not to be in my place. My step-siblings have already taken over $30.000 from my Mom. None of them visit while I drive from TX to AZ for a week once a month, take care of the bills, maintenance of Mom's house/property/assisted group home care/doctor's visits/investments. I am stressed to the point I need another therapist because I'm stress eating and spending money like crazy all the signs of depression. I wouldn't change this for anything because I am taking care of Mom and what I'm going through is worth it for a Mom who had 2 daughters getting pregnant in high school, drugs and children who have done the same. A brother who is unable to accept what is happening with Mom. Doesn't make me happy, but I know what Mom wanted before she started slipping away due to Alzheimer's. She is now my child and I'm her Mother. She deserves everything I can do for her.
Your problem is 1 that instead of trying to take your sister on, get an attorney and let the legal system see what she is or isn't doing and petition to become guardian/conservator.
IF mine siblings were ever to try and take this from me, they'd lose big time.
Take everything away from her through the Court, turn the tables on her.
I'm also fighting 4 step-siblings and I wish they'd let me take care of my step-father too. They all live out of State and they're just collecting his retirement and my Mom's $30.000 waiting to divide the $$$.
GO AFTER HER WITH THE HELP OF AN ATTORNEY.

I resent all 7 so called siblings, but they don't realize that they are under my thumb now.

What goes around comes around

You know, its your choice, I have a brother, who did not helped with mom for 13 years she was living with me, and I accepted this, never having a vacations without her, not be able to go anywhere without her, ruining my marriage because of her. Then one year he came (not because of her, just because of his son, who came to study in USA) and I figured out my cancer diagnosis, and asked him the first time for all those 13 years to help me, take her to his house for at least my treatments time,,,,nothing happens, I said a harsh words to him and his family....
In a result, I do not have brother at all, they banned me from everything, mom was getting worse for the last year and finally she is in NH, I am feeling guilty but in the same time very alone, as i dont have even a possibility to talk to him....so you decide...

I do not even speak to my sister after what she did to me and my mother. I have no use for a person like that. You have to protect yourself in certain situations. My sister underhandedly got power of attorney and then totally cut me out of my mothers care. All my sister ever wanted was to handle the money, never wanted to actually care for our mother. My mother lived with me for a year and a half and because I was having a hysterectomy I asked my sister to care for her and she refused. I ended up moving my mother into a nursing home. My sister eventually moved my mother into a nursing home by her even though she goes to texas for 6 months ever year. She took her from the town where all my mother relatives and where I live. She let them drug her up on a chemical constraint so my mother became a fall risk and could not speak, just whistled. I begged her to get her off the Depakote as it was causing muscle weakness and clouding her head, that is why she became a fall risk. Even when my mother didn’t know what a fork was for and didn’t know how to sit on a toilet she could walk and talk just as good as me. Of course she didn’t make sense when she would talk, but at least she talked. She finally aspirated ended up in the hospital and they took her off the Depakote because the doctor said it was medically unnecessary. She had almost immediate increased mental capacity and she started to speak in words again. The chemical constraint had done that much damage and the nurse kept telling my sister it was a progression of the disease. I was helpless to help my mother because my sister would not allow it I have since going to court to get guardianship and turns out her power of attorney was not valid. I moved my mother back to her home town near me and she is doing fabulous, except because of what they did to her she will never walk again because she cannot be trained to do so. My sister did this to her. If they had taken her off the Depakote when I told them it was the problem she would have never stopped walking, Always research the drugs they give them because they always try to give a chemical constraint and call is a progression of the disease to make their job easier. Do not feel guilty, those people, relatives or not, are not worth having in your life.

Cateyes, should had gotten respite for your mon, accepted the $7,000 and you and your husband stepped away and enjoy your life.

Tracy72. I pretty much know that when others read this it ain't gonna be good for me.
This has nothing to do with Hallmark cards or anything else. It actually has to do your position in the pack. The middle child is more likely to be the odd man out and treated as such all their life. Everyone needs you, but you aren't allowed per pecking order to say or act in anyway other than what "they" want.
I'm the odd man out not only in my family circle but I also have to deal with 4 step-siblings.
I'm just thankful that #1 decided she had enough, #3 can't get legally involved and #4 doesn't want confrontation or what it takes to care for Mom now.
They all agreed to "let" me become guardianship/conservator mostly because I'm retired even though I live 12 hrs away and can go home whenever. NOT AN ISSUE FOR ME BECAUSE I CAN NOW DO FOR MOM WHAT SHE WANTED.
The other side of this coin is having to deal with 4 step-siblings who are looking for $$ if my Mom passes before their Father. #1 in that family circle stole money from Mom's checking....very long story....placed it in a Trust for Daddy.
All 4 want what is not theirs as 99.9% of everything is Mom's sole/separate from the divorce when our Father left. Problem for them as well as home State is Community property....they get NOTHING. They were so hoping to get the house as it is worth over $400.000, they grew up in a double wide in the middle of nowhere El Paso.
I have almost everything back to what Mom wants done per her Will (my siblings aren't going to be real happy either especially #3).
Now I'm going after the step-siblings for taking close to $40.000 that they figure daddy deserves for being married to Mom for 24 years ABD daddy did not prepare for this part of his life, but Mom did.
Yes, I feel EXACTLY as you do. Why/how do people think they're entitled to something they did not work for? If your parents could stop their lives to care for you why can't you do the same for them?
I'll spend every penny Mom worked for over 38 yrs for her care before I would ever expect that I'm entitled even with what I know is in her Will.
I prayed for over 7-8 yrs for God to help me help Mom. It took that long for Him to answer my prayers and I gladly take that responsibility for her.
BTW, it never ever entered my mind that I would not also care for my very humble stepfather, I love him too much not to do so.
His 4 spawn have forced my hand and I will fight to get back what was taken from Mom and I will take care of my step-father on their dime.
This has nothing to do with anything but who is or is not thankful for the parents who did everything and gave everything for them.
CONTEST her duties to the Court. Have everything documented. The Court may side and turn the duties over to you.

Wow, Davina, provided a statement that many of us don't like to hear because of the way institutions, media, and society guilt us to believe that obligation and loyalty should be expected in all family situations. Not all of us have wonderful relationships with our family members that have dementia, aging issues, etc. It makes you a good person to want to help family members with these problems, but it shouldn't be expected. I dread every mother's day because a company who wants you to buy their Mother's Day card  is trying to impress to society that all mothers are wonderful. Generally speaking, trying to use guilt on someone to give help is not the way to change their behavior. Understanding their position and their personal history with that person might.

Davina:
" You're not ethically or morally responsible, either, after the way she's treated you all of your life. "

Davina, you spoke for a wide group of people who may not want to help with their aging parents because of abuse. The children of alcoholics, molesters, the mentally ill, abusive and neglectful people ...The problem of understanding why siblings won't help is complex and the solutions are not easy to find. But I can guarantee that forgiveness and respect will go further than anger and resentment in determining the outcome you would like.

Caregiver is a stressful, painful, endless job twenty four hours a day. Its worse when you don't have anyone else willing to chip in and help. I too, attempted to get my four sisters involved in the caregiving that both of my parents needed at 93.
I also, asked, just about begged all of them to give just a few hours a week of their time to help me out. the bottom line was all four stated they had their own life and cant fit their own parents in anywhere. my parents brought all of us into this world, took care of us. raised us, and most of all loved us and they cant find a few hours for them. They don't even call. nothing for many many years.
I was so angry and pissed off that it wasn't funny.
I moved in with them, took care of them , and loved them the way they loved all of us. I had come to realize that it was my sisters lose and not mine. I got to know my parents better than I ever did. We talked, we laughed and we cried. I know that when they left this world they left knowing that they were loved.
You can not control any one else. their minds and actions are theirs and they are going to do what they want no matter how you feel
Think about yourself and what you want to do and can handle. talk with your family. You need to let go of the anger. No one is worth destroying your own health . There are agencies, and hospice that will help you out if you want. My parents both passed away three weeks apart. It was heart breaking to me , but I am so thankful for the time that I spent with them and the love that we all shared. I wouldn't think twice about doing it all over again.
the memories cant be taken from me . My sisters have no memories......
I let go of the anger and decided that I don't have any sisters any more.
I am very happy with my decision.
remember what goes around comes around in due time......

All of your feelings are valid and 'okay.'
It is how you feel and you want to acknowledge your feelings.
It is important to recognize that negative charged emotions affect YOU, not the other person. You want to accept the reality of what is while letting go for your own well-being and peace of mind. It may feel like a grieving process. Still, to learn to forgive the other person's behavior will benefit you/r health. It is a process. Forgiveness supports the person forgiving. Any residual outcome of your intentions and processes that benefit another is just the frosting in their cake, even if they do not realize it. It is a healing process. Once you can release the feelings-attachment of them to whatever fears and associations you have, you will be in a state of equanimity to deal with however things / relationships move along or shift with your sister. You will have the inner resources to maintain your center. It won't matter if you can't accept the type of person she is - that is her business and for her to deal with (herself). Letting go and forgiveness is self-care; it is not selfish. When you take your power back and deal with your own triggers, no one can take that away from you.
Give yourself time to process and heal. Pray to let go for you/r health and well-being. She may or may not ever change. Only you can change your attitude and relationship to her. And, yes - find an attorney if that is required. That is part of taking care of yourself.

There are 7 of us siblings. 5 live in the same state and two of us moved 900 miles away to live our lives away from our toxic father. 1 is a sibling we just found out about 2 years ago-he was a love child from an affair Dad had 60 years ago. So no one thinks this brother needs to help at all. He just met his father two years ago.
Now the 4 that stayed in the home area have had to deal with a father that abandoned them, verbally and emotionally abused them, left them to fend for themselves after their mother’s died at very young ages.
Dad was pitting all of his children against each other so he could create drama and be the center of attention.
We finally all met with an elder care lawyer to find out our options for our father who refused any and all help of any kind. We decided we would not blame anyone who did not want to deal with him. All of us put in our time over the years with heartache, money stole from us, etc.
And we decided our relationships with each other were worth far more than anything else. There are several that don’t want to even visit him. No judging anyone is working just fine.

Best at advice from a long-time friend, “Just let people be who they are. They will anyhow.”

Dearest Tracy72, you must not have seen at the beginning where I said my comment was not directed towards you! I'm sorry for the confusion. My comments were for another commenter. Please don't be offended or hurt by what I said, the message was for someone else.

Hmm. A post here really bothered me. Not directed towards the person who started the thread, but another person who I think is being extremely judgmental. My opinion about why some siblings are not doing their part. I suggest to this person that your expectations are too high. You condemn and assess the situation like it's the only correct view of reality. It's sad that nobody else can be as self-sacrificing as you are. We all have different reactions and opinions to situations. You seem to be so filled with anger that it comes off like you are sparring with your sibling in a boxing ring. Honestly, what person would want to help with a parent when you are so controlling, confrontational, and abusive towards them? Your belittling makes me aware that you will never be satisfied with anything that they do, so why should they even try to help? I believe that if you treat people with respect and don't attack them that you might be surprised how things can change. If you have the feeling that everyone in your family is against you and judging you, how willing would you be to make an effort? I stopped making an effort for that very reason. My family closed the door and won't talk about it. There were personal attacks and people not wanting to understand my side. You as well, are not giving your sibling a chance to help because you have written them off as a bad person. They are fulfilling your prophesy. I don't think anything your sibling will ever do will ever enough to meet your high standards. Cause you know what's right and have all the answers, right? I wouldn't want to be your sibling--those are pretty tough standards to live by. People don't want to hear criticism and blame. They want to feel love and respect. Honestly, I understand those people that avoid the situation and don't try to help. When you to approach them with negativity, and excessive demands that they obviously can't make, you are doing neither one of you any good. I think that any approach to a sibling should be done with fairness and kindness. Have you ever confronted your sibling and said something like, why is it that you don't help with mom or dad? Maybe you will be shocked at the answer. Show some compassion, maybe there is something you don't know. It is obvious to me that you have given up on your sibling. It is easier to condemn them as all wrong in their thinking than consider that maybe they are different than you and aren't as perfect in their abilities to handle life. You are coming off in the wrong way. I'm sure they feel cornered and defensive and have given up too. The way to get someone to help is not by diminishing their character and judging them. If you really want their help, consider your approach. You never know a person's reasoning. Families keep secrets and maybe that secret may be the reason that person doesn't help. Your relationship with that parent might have been better than theirs. I think your argument is rather one-sided. Your sense of family obligation (true only for you) may be stronger than theirs and that is why they don't have the will to or desire to help a parent who treated them unfairly as a child. How about dropping the anger and resentment and just telling the truth. You need help, you notice they are having a tough time doing their share. What can we do to change the situation? Negotiate with kindness and fairness. If they don't respond, move on. Accept that they are not as capable as you--that person who does everything so perfectly. Eek--I am getting vibes that you, like my family, are holding yourself in high esteem. What good is it to feel all this anger and resentment towards them? Is it getting the results that you are looking for? No, it is tearing you up that your sibling doesn't act just like you. Not everyone cherishes family like you do, sometimes family becomes an unwanted obligation because the relationships are bad. A different perspective with no intention to dismiss your feelings of not getting help.

Is she sole executor? - if not tell her that she gets the fee in relation to how much effort she does ... she does 10% of work then she gets 10% of fee - keep a log

If she is not doing her duties as sole executor then give her a deadline or produce valid reasons why it is not done - she can be replaced but it is a messy business - good luck

Ive been in the middle and It takes alot courage to say ..ok I guess .I cant handle every thing on my own and Realizing this I hope god helps me and I hope god helps my brother not seing eye to eye on some things makes it hard so some times u just walk away cause u dont want to ague .

Resentment at ..cause feeling ..I write ..about its lets learn to forgive what we dont understand..

I burn my resentment and ask god for help .Im.verry over respnsible and my brother is more stable married so god will help me and I feel bad that I cant aways do every thing for them .But I have to take care of my family to..I hope my brother forgives me .Im not supper woman and stress makes me sick..so I dont even think they realize how hard single parinting is..but u have to remember if u judge some one for not living up to youre expectations then we will always resent people burn resentment and ask god for help..

I have the same issue. But mine is my brother does not visit her. He takes care of the financial needs. And I do everything else. She is in assisted living.

I'm going to express a different view and say yes it is OK. You are doing all you can to make things work and you still are having problems, Perhaps she is too ,and perhaps she isn't. All you can do is what YOU can do.

My exception is for one point - resentment at anyone is not good for you, so I encourage you to work through these emotions, and if you need to, to end your relationship with your sister. We see many cases here where siblings have parted company. One sibling does the majority of the work and other siblings, for one reason or another do not pull their weight, and resentment comes into the picture. I am not judging nor chastising those who don't or can't do as much. I don't know your whole story. I am not walking in your shoes, I am walking in my shoes.

When there are relationship problems it is wise to leave the door open and wait until feelings cool off. In my case, I have done this many times with my sis and the problems keep recurring so I have decided, once mother is gone, the door will be shut for my protection.

If there is a history of sibling problems likely the current situation has made them worse. If not, there may be hope for reconciliation. Meanwhile do what you have to do to look after yourself. I know this is difficult. Mother wanted my sis and I to be co POA. I refused knowing there would be terrible problems - more than I could handle, so she appointed only me. (((((((hugs)))))

i have a somewhat similar situation except I’m the sister on the receiving end, I live in another state and my brother is an hour away from my parents. I’ve tried doing what I can to help but my brother doesn’t feel it’s enough. So he did stop speaking to me. And it’s torn me apart the loss of that relationship. But he resents me so much for being far that he won’t hear me out. He refuses to see where I’m coming from. I’m not able to help more. The distance, finances, newly married and I struggle with depression and the grief that I simply cannot do it all. To the point where I’m in therapy just bc I know my family doesn’t think it’s dnough but I’m trying really hard. My brother just doesn’t know bc he won’t hear me out. Where I’m getting at is there may be a chance that your sister is coming from a different place and perhaps may be coping differently. And that could be affecting her ability to be as involved. Have you tried having a heart to heart with her? I wish my brother had. I definitely (although I understand) would try to let go of the resentment. That could be clouding perspective. And only you can decide if all this is worth losing your sister. Maybe distance yourself a bit to allow yourself time to heal without cutting off?

Resentment at my sister for not helping my mom.anger .well I had resentment that no one wanted my help and then I wrote it down and burned it the I realized that Im over commited also a single parent and I have to run a house and take care of the family and Im over responsible .sometimes people have so much on there plate that they have to take down time and take care of there family too its hard when we have resentments maybe youre sister has a hard time dealing with the situation and maybe she has so much going on that she cant handle her life . Its sad when one person says we dont want u to take care of mom and hires some one else .and then shes struggling trying to just get buy ..theres always two sides of a storry sometimes writing down the resentment and burning it helps then god helps u understand whats going on .Is she responsible is she maried does she have any one helping her ..and maybe she feels so over welmed with her life that she cant always be there for every bidy maybe shes tries and maybe shes just mentally incapable of handling all the responsibiltys on her plate and just maybe youre the favorite child that youre mom thinks u know how to do every thing and maybe she s just over commited..and cant handle the responsibility..of watching some one suffer while there being over medacated or mayne she just cant handle it mentally ..u never know what some ones going threw unless u are in there shoes ..lol..I hope u burn youre resentment and pray for understanding thats what I did ..

I posted this under someone else's comment, so just in case you did not see it (I have missed some of those comment comments!):
Check this webpage which says you will have to both agree to anything done, or submitted and both will have to sign:

nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/naming-more-one-executor.html

HOWEVER, Tracy72, I want to point out the following paragraph from that webpage:

"If the co-executors have a tendency to disagree, it can cause serious problems with getting your estate wrapped up. In cases of extreme disagreements, one executor (or a beneficiary) can even ask the probate court to remove one or more of the other executors, so the estate can be settled without too much delay. As you can imagine, such disputes can result in many years of resentment—exactly what you are trying to avoid in the first place."

This court removal of an executor should apply if the reason is not doing due diligence, rather than disagreeing - get the court to NIX her executor status, since more than likely you are doing all the work anyway! I would send official letter to her, listing what needs to be done and when, request she acknowledge these duties and provide proof she has complied (get return receipt so you know she signed for it) and give a copy to your attorney. If she does not respond within a given time (should be in that letter too), then take the letter to court, your argument is that she does nothing, will not talk to you and is holding up everything by refusing to work with you, and get her bounced.

As for the resentment mentioned in the last sentence of the quoted text, we're there already aren't we, so doing this shouldn't make it any worse, just less stress to get the whole business done and over with!! As for the resentment, it is a waste of your time and energy - put that time and energy into getting her 'un-executored' and then finish the task up yourself! Does she benefit? Sure, she gets off the hook and still gets her "share" if there is anything. Do you benefit? Yup. You get that negativity out of your head, you get the job finished quicker and easier, without headaches, you CAN take payment for what you do, which will reduce what she gets (like admin fees - check with your attorney) and then you get to move on with your life sooner, sans sister!!!!

Sometimes its hard to let things go, but I have learned to do so, for me, not for anyone else, some ppl just don't get it and never will, they act as if nothing is wrong, and here I am turning multiple of colors in the face, my sister decided to retire and take my mom out of state didn't sit siblings down and discuss it. I decided not to make drama, plus I was still working, but I never neglected to call nor visit my mom, honestly, I hated going thru her to talk to mom. I was very sad in the beginning. My other siblings took a different route, they didn't want to deal with sister, so they kind of just buried mom in there heart (I guess), I couldn't live with that. The way I manage things was not arguing because that would just escalate the situation, I continued to visit/call my mom, I did tell my sister, "whenever you need a break I will take over." After 3 years being out of state, she called one day and said im coming in 2morrow dropping off mom, I said, what! I'm still working, make the story short i said nothing else, I prayed prayed for patience, guidance, she came, I said nothing to her, I was happy to see my mom and care for her. Mind you, my sister left back (out of state), she would come in from time to time, her trip though wasn't to visit my mom her trip was business, but she would stop and say hi, I resented that, you come in, say hi to mom don't spend much time with her, yet I would take trips specifically to see mom. So I did say a few things to her, but I learned just to go with the flow, of course, I don't let her get over me, you know, abuse me. If she doesn't come to see mom that's on her, I know what I'm doing. I STOP nagging my siblings, "come visit mom" I no longer say that, they know my doors are open to them when there ready to visit. I use to resent my sister for doing what she did, and a few other things, but it might be easier for us to let it go then we wanting to see them change. Its not easy though it doesn't happen over night its an everyday struggle, just don't let it bury you.

Hello, well things have gotten pretty bad. I am doing 95% of the executor duties which is fine and no problem but I am trying to talk with my sister (the other executor) and she is speaking through her husband. I said the decisions are ours alone and she refuses to work with me herself. She also is insulting me and saying that I am impossible to deal with with she isn’t doing anything. I asked her to maybe relinquish her duties as executor and I will finish up. I’m pretty hurt as I’m doing what’s best for my mother, selling her items and not treating them as garbage as she is stating they are.

Thank you for posting this, Tracy. I wish you the best and am not trying to be patronizing with my comments. I hope my response will encourage you to let go of your resentment towards your sister. I have just lost my sister due to her being an alcoholic. I miss her terribly and have regrets that I didn't do enough to help her. I would encourage you to have some kind of patience and understanding for your sister instead of thinking that she is just a certain type of person. People behave the way they do because they are doing the best that they can. You may never know her reasons for being this way, but I would guess that it is more than just selfishness or a lack of interest, but rather that she is not handling her mother's passing very well and that it may be harder than you think for her to be an executor. It is very true that people handle things differently. Some people are just better equipped to handle life's toughest issues.

I have recently had some family members disown me and my family because they don't think that we are doing enough to help with my aging parents. One parent is in the early stage of dementia and the other is mentally ill and unable to care for herself. I have had a lifetime of dealing with my mother's mental health issues when my other siblings had very little to do with her. One of my brother's didn't see my mother for almost fifteen years because of her behavior. Both my living brothers rarely came to see my parents throughout the years as they were selfish with their time. One of my brothers is married and the other has been single for years and is now in his sixties. None of them have any children or obligations other than jobs. None of them have any financial strain. For the longest time, my sister and I were the only ones who visited or helped my parents. But the rest of the family would never except the truth of the situation. They held themselves in high esteem and continued to say I did nothing for them. As my parents problems began to increase, I noticed that my family began to insist that I have more involvement even though I was all ready doing it. They had such a distorted view of what was going on that they became quite abusive and acting like they were doing everything. It just wasn't true.

I am married and have a special needs child with epilepsy. Nobody in my family ever acknowledged her situation or has given me any support. They won't talk about it. My other child has mental illness, so as you can imagine my hands were full. To top it off, my husband's side had siblings dealing with drug abuse, and mental illness as well. His parents were ill and elderly too. Despite having this knowledge of my difficult living situation, my family felt that I was never doing enough for my parents. I forgot to mention that both of my brothers were supported late into adulthood by my father. I wasn't. The single brother is currently living with him for free. This brother won't talk to me anymore because he thinks I don't do enough. I have taken my dad to doctor apts, etc. for a long time but it was never acknowledged. For the first time in his life my brother is learning what it means to be a caregiver. He is very angry about having to do this in his life.

My family was so resentful in their thoughts about me not doing enough that they didn't tell me my sister was sick and dying. She was also living with my single brother and father. I found out from a friend when she died. What was going on in my life at the time wouldn't allow me to give constant care to my parents. My other brother moved away twice so he wouldn't have to help care for my aging parents. Yet, he is the biggest critic of me. My family has no understanding or compassion towards me. They only see their side of the story.

We all suffer in different ways and tire of handling situations like this. I wish my siblings had shown me the same compassion I gave to them when they failed to attend to my parents. Walk in my shoes ...

I am in a similar situation and am POA. Mom with dementia in NH. I live nearby. For the last two years, older, out-of-state sister second-guessing my actions, sabotaging efforts, making reckless, misguided decisions that jeopardize mom's well-being - all behind my back, denying reality, threatening legal action, disregarding and disrespecting my role. My long-held beliefs about sisterly love have gone right out the window. I feel betrayed, cut to the core, sad, angry, resentful since I bore all responsibility for mom's wellbeing during this time and for 10+ years prior. Due to my diligence, planning and thoroughness, Mom is lovingly and well-cared for in a beautiful facility with enough funds to hopefully last to the very end.

There is a lot of mention of forgiveness and letting things go, and I am working very hard on it with affirmations, meditation, and prayer. Some days are easier than others. On the rough days (like today), I figure it will just take time. Not how I wanted things to turn out, but from being on this site, it appears it is extremely common for a parent's death to damage sibling relationships, maybe permanently. Time will tell.

I am in the same situation, but I have 8 siblings that are in the area and able to help with my mother ( living with us for 2 years now) 3 are on board and do help and we are
thankful for any breaks we get:) I have reach out 3 times for a schedule to happen giving my husband and I a break once a month - it was amazing to hear the excuses as to why they can’t help but to get the resentment thrown at me because I took her in!??? Anyway there has been a total fracture in family and my heart is broken for my mother- I have been completely honest with her and told her 3-4 want her in a nursing home- she doesn’t want that! So I said you must tell them that! Not sure how I became the bad guy in this? But I am . I’m done asking for help and do believe in karma.I have
lost respect for some of them, best thing I can say is find some way to give yourself a break and realize in the end you can look in the mirror with NO regrets

I had the same situation, I paid for Mama and Daddy's house for them to have some place to live. My oldest sister needed money, she rode around in a Lincoln Continental. Daddy knew what I did and was thankful I was his Boy. He died. Mama had a good life. My sister came over and took Mama to a lawyer and made her sing a deed that she was part owner of the house. Did not help Mama ever and lived an hour form us. I paid Mama's phone bill and made sure she had food. I tried to give her all the dignity she deserved. Mama died in the hospital but always had her home. My sister told me at the funeral the house was her's and for me to stay away. I went to Mama and picked up a few things personal. No problem. My sister called me up and tried to make nice. I told her to leave me alone and never call me. She did and I did. Yes she wa oldest. We never spoke again. My middle sister wa dieing and I went to see her, an 18 hour drive. I loved
her, she was a year and half older. I was the baby. She wanted me and the oldest to bury the hatchet. My oldest herd I had visited and went to see her. She died.
A couple years my oldest died , we never spoke. I would advise you to think it over. Is your life so unbearable doing doing the right thing? I wish I had followed my middle sister' advice. We will all be judged by a higher Power. I know I did the right thing, but the deal with my oldest is a blemish on it and Mama would not like it.

I understand the problems this can cause. You may have felt that you were in charge and responsible for the portion of your mother's care. Have you tried to communicate your feelings to your sister? Did she explain her reasons for not helping? At the end of the day, I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your sister, but I think it's okay to have resentment. You are human. However, I do believe that you should forgive her and try to reconcile.

Hi Sweet Thing. I am going through the exact same thing with my sister and feeling the exact same resentment. I know that I shouldn't, but my heart and hurt feelings go in a different direction. I'm not going to try to fight the way I feel right now. I'm too exhausted. I'm just going to give myself all the time I need to let the hurt and anger subside. Don't be hard on yourself. Like you, I can't understand how blood relatives can be so indifferent (and in my case, so mercenary!). So I'm not going to try to understand. I just accept it and go my own way. I don't feel the need to contact my siblings nor try to mend fences just yet. I need time for myself and my family. Time will tell what the relationship becomes later on. If it is healed, great. If not, well, as long as my conscience is clear and I know that I didn't cause this rift, I can move on with just grieving my loved one. Recognize that you are at the height of emotion because of the trials you have been going through. You need some time and TLC for yourself. If no one else will give it to you, be your best friend and be kind to yourself. Know that you are in good company with some of us and we support you.