My brother won't let me talk to our elder mother, they are living together. What should I do? - AgingCare.com

My brother won't let me talk to our elder mother, they are living together. What should I do?

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Hi There.. I found this website.. hopefully someone has had this issue and can give me insight. Long story short.. my brother (a gay psychiatrist, not married, age 53) and my mom( age 82) lived in Arizona, not together. I live in another state. Brother got a new job in South Carolina, him and my mom moved there and live together. I think my brother has narcissistic personality disorder (kind of like our dad) and my mom has always been a victim. I have always kept them at arms distance away. I don't want to be like them. I have a family, 3 kids. My brother texted me a few weeks ago to let me know my mom was having surgery. Wouldn't tell me what kind, hospital, dr etc.. I asked him questions.. about it, ignored me. He then blocked from her phone. I can't get a hold of her. He has her phone. I want to talk to her to make sure she is ok. Had a telephone conversation with my brother last week and I asked to talk to her and he said she was sleeping. I told him that I would come out there with my husband and help fix up their house, and unpack. All he kept telling me was that I was uninvited and can't come until I am invited. His house is under surveillance, due to his patients and if I set foot on his property he will have me arrested/get a restraining order. I think he is trying to be very controlling and manipulative. I think he has manipulated her as well, by telling her I don't care about her. Because he is a psychiatrist, he knows the system and he knows how to manipulate it, and he will twist it to make it sound like I am crazy. All I want to do is talk to her. What should I do?

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Honestly? Call the police back and tell them you STILL have had no contact with your mother. Speak with the Watch Commander if you need to. Someone needs to see your mother to make sure she’s alright. What other recourse do you have? Hire someone to pose as a solicitor and go knock on their door? Call APS?
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do you have any idea WHY he would do this?

other than than he is controlling and a manipulator?

*is he after her money?*

I don't agree at all with him keeping her hidden!! or excluding you, that's horrible.  but do you think he will put her in harms way? actually keeping her to himself seems more than a narc. just seems plain weird.
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Robyny Aug 6, 2018
I don't know why he is doing this.. I don't think she has much money left after the mess my dad left her with when he died a few years ago.. a huge irs debt.. it was awful.. I don't either.. it is horrible.. and I have no idea - I think he is emotionally abusing her and telling her awful things about me that aren't true. I think he is pissed that he feels like he has to take care of her and I am not involved. I have offered for her to move back to Colorado and live by or with us.. my family and we would help. She didn't want to move here. I have a family, 3 kids. and when they moved to S.C. he texted me the day before they moved asking me to help? I told him I can't just leave with no notice. I have other commitment's - work, family, kids.. I think he has narcissistic personality disorder among other mental issues.. it is crazy and weird
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Call the police and ask for wellness check. Also explain situation and ask if there is any help they can offer. Call the local board of Pschology and Psychiatry and report the issue. There may be other issues going on that they know about. Express your concerns about your mother being isolated by your brother. I would not offer your opinion of your brother’s personality issues. If he has problems, they are probably aware via peer reviews of him.
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Robyny Aug 6, 2018
Hi Becky
I did call the police on Friday and they did a wellness check.. no one answered the door. I spoke to the officer and he has actually been to their house several times, due to the fact that they had issues with the movers that moved them.. I think they stole half of their items and wouldn't deliver their items either. The officer has met my mom and brother. He asked for their phone numbers and I shouldn't have given him my brother's, but I did. Of course he twisted it saying we had a plan in place and I would come visit when she was well again.. that was bs on his part. I thought about reporting him to the board, but I don't think I would get too far as I have no evidence. I think he has brainwashed her and preyed on her illnesses to control her. I spoke to the officer about going out there, if he does end up calling the police for me being on their property, the officer said they would arrest me for trespassing. I don't think his peers would think he has issues and he knows how to work the system and would make me sound crazy. He has blocked me off her phone, so I set up a fake texting number and texted her a few times.. all she said was you aren't being ignored I am healing. (if that was from her - could be from him. if he has her phone). I also tried to call by using *67 - phone number.. got through. she did answer and told me to leave her alone.. I am not sure if she knew it was me on the phone. I don't know what else to do? I am so upset, hurt and frustrated.
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If the above recommendations don't work, you may need to hire an attorney and take him to court. The attorney may be able to help you with this problem short of going to court. I definitely think you need counsel on how to handle this.

You must solve this now, as the longer you put it off, the worse it will get.

Does your mother have the capacity to make her own decisions? If not, has she been declared incompetent? Does she have an Advanced Directive stating who her health care power of attorney is, and/or her financial power of attorney. Is your brother her legal guardian? Would you be willing to be her legal guardian?

Who cares for your mother while your brother is working?
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Robyny Aug 6, 2018
Hi Cynthia
See my response above to Becky. I did talk to an attorney and he said it would be a waste of money at this point, due to the fact that it is a family he said/she said issue. My mother was very healthy and she did.. know I don't know as I can't get a hold of her to talk to her. My brother is very controlling and manipulative as was our father and they prey on people like my mom who can be easily influenced.. she is a strong person, but she gets preyed on by these type of people. I don't know if he is her legal guardian or not.. I don't think they have gotten that far.
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call the police and have them do a wellness check-
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Robyny Aug 6, 2018
Hi - see my reply above.. thanks for your response
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I would be seriously concerned that your mom is ok. No matter what kind of relationship you’ve had with them in the past, blocking you from contacting her in so many ways is not normal and alarm bells are loudly going off in my head.

I would call the police in their city and tell them you are being blocked from contacting your mother and you fear for her safety. The police are required to do a well check. All may be well, but Dr. Brother needs to know what he’s doing could very well be against the law. He’ll be furious, but what have you to lose?
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Robyny Aug 6, 2018
Hi - see my reply above to Becky.. any other suggestions?
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