Follow
Share

I don't know how much more of this I can take. My brother and his wife and two adult kids came to this city 2 years before me. When I realized they weren't doing much to help Mom and Dad, I gave up everything and moved here, going back and forth to get my house sold in another state. I rented a house here and eventually remodeled my parents' attic and moved in there. I paid for the rental, the remodel, all expenses on my own.


I was unaware that my brother and his wife had convinced my parents to not only buy him a large house, but to give him living wages monthly. They also bought his daughter a car. My brother and his wife used coercion and guilt. Their daughter used flattery, babytalk, and sobbing about how much she wanted to care for them, but couldn't because her car kept breaking down. So Dad bought her one.


But then things started to unravel:


Mom noticed suspicious charges to their credit card and asked me to find out about it.


Then I noticed charges from AT&T for devices they weren't using and didn't seem to have.


Then Mom said my brother was being verbally abusive to Dad when they went to "his" house to visit.


After investigating, I discovered, as you probably guessed, that the credit card charges were all charges for my brother and his family's stuff. My niece had never gotten the car put in her name so Dad was paying her tags, registration and insurance.


And they convinced Dad to buy Ipads, smartphones and things he'd never use. That way, they got him set up on a family plan in which their own devices and monthly plans were paid for.


Dad decided to quit funding their lives at that point, and ever since they've all been trying to get rid of me.


PLEASE NOTE!! I HAVE contacted APS, attorneys, police, you name it! NO ONE will help.


I filled out a form on the state APS site a year ago. After 2 months passed, I called and was told they'd closed the case without me knowing it was ever open. I was told that, even though my brother lives only 20 minutes away, he's over the state line, and they don't cross state lines.


THEN, I called a number of elder abuse attorneys. None were interested unless it involved a nursing home.


THEN I called criminal and civil attorneys. One was interested, but made a few calls, sent me a bill for $400, and was never heard from again. My guess is that he decided he can't make any money off of my brother's family because none of them have jobs and they lost their only income when Dad stopped their funds.


THEN I went downtown with Dad to fill out a form to get a protective order, but was told we had to file a police report at home.


THEN we came home, called police, who came by and asked "do you have proof of threats of bodily harm?" No? "then we can't do anything."


THEN I went to a Saturday mtg that offers pro bono legal services to the poor (that's me). They said there was nothing that could be done because my parents ARE being cared for (by me), so there's no neglect going on, they aren't sitting in feces and urine, or being hit.


When Mom had a stroke 6 mos ago, I took her to the hospital. My niece arrived 3 days later to visit and tried to claim I assaulted her in the hallway. Security came with her at 4 am and told me to leave because my brother had appeared and backed her story. They didn't realize Dad was in the room, and also didn't realize I'd been told I could not leave him for even a minute because he was a fall risk. That meant he had to leave too, so I woke him to leave the hospital but he came out of the room shaking with anger and told the guards to "get rid of those idiots." They did.


When my niece kept calling nurses and admin continuing her claims, I had them pull video from the hall. They saw there was no assault and that was that.


Ever since, she has continued to make outrageous claims and pull stunts like that and has been a huge distraction for health pros at various medical facilities where Mom has been.


Today, after not seeing or hearing from her for 2 months, she showed up with police who said she claimed my parents are neglected and abused. They wanted to talk to Mom and Dad and look through the house. One policeman pulled me aside and asked "why don't you cooperate with her? thats all she wants." I"d been in the shower when they arrived and I had a hair appt for Dad and a vet appt for my cat who has cancer. It was so upsetting to see police and my niece that I was shaking.


My entire day and night every day of the week consists of changing and cleaning Mom, giving her meds, making seperate and different meals for her and Dad, doing laundry, taking Dad to noon mass and picking him up, taking them to doctor appt's, or talking to dr offices on the phone, putting liquids in Mom's peg tube, cleaning, meeting with home health care, and trying to wake Dad up for meals.


It's devastating to have police show up and make judgements based on the lies of one person.

Can you get a restraining order against them? Also, file theft charges on them for the credit card charges and anything else your dad didn't authorize. Oh, and repossess the car, if you haven't already.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to katiekat2009
Report
kimsgoneinsane Sep 26, 2018
Hi katiekat, Both police and the DA's office said that, unless there are threats of violence against me or my parents, they will not file a protective or restraining order against them.
I cannot repossess the car. It is hers. He bought it for her. It's just that she manipulated him into it with tons of flattery and promises of what she'd do to help him and Mom "if only" she had a better car. Of course, she didn't do as promised. But, that doesn't give me rights to take her car.
(0)
Report
I'd like to reply to both DeeAnn and Ahmijoy together, since there is no reply option under Ahmijoy's post. Thank you both for your concern.
I did try to reach someone at probate court twice, but was on hold longer than I could stay on hold. I also called yet another atty, and this one admitted she had no clue how to approach this (which is certainly better than the atty who told me he'd help, then he made a few phone calls, sent me a bill for $400, and was never heard from again, and that was 3 months ago).
I was given the number of one other atty who I intend to call on Monday while I'm on the road.
I now have a little one with a mass in his abdomen that was very recently discovered to be malignant, so I'll be driving 3 hours each way every Monday for his radiation therapy.
The developments are going to be slow because of his needs and because caring for two people has been a 24/7 job, especially since Mom has had diarrhea lately and has been refusing to get in the tub or shower, so it's challenging to find ways to get the mess out of her genitals without putting her at risk of a UTI.
My entire day, as most people on this site know, is consumed with diapers, helping 2 people with basic hygiene, wound care, getting dressed, putting in hearing aids, making seperate meals all day for each of them (due to dietary needs) and for me, shopping for groceries, picking up Rx, making Dr appts. or taking them to Dr appts, giving meds, paying bills, setting up household repairs, and so on.
Ever since I posted this, I've spent more time seeking a caregiver to help me.
The owner of one caregiver agency was kind enough to fill in for me when I was gone all day to speak to radiologists last Monday, and that was great. Then she had someone else come on Wed and Thurs. who she said "never sits down". Unfortunately, she sat SO much (mostly looking at her phone, or writing in her report claiming she'd done things she hadn't done) that I had to video her to show to her boss and the referral person, so they wouldn't think I was exaggerating. She also ignored some basic safety rules.
So, now I"ve got to get up at 4 am to change Mom's diapers and give her meds and fix her breakfast before I leave Monday.
I'm not ignoring anyone's advice. It's just not something that- at the moment- I can spend as much time on as I'd like because I have other priorities that need my attention.
But, I"ll certainly update this when something more develops.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to kimsgoneinsane
Report
DeeAnna Aug 12, 2018
Thank you for replying.  We were concerned about you and your parents.  Who is the "little one with a malignant mass in his abdomen & receiving radiation therapy every Monday-- son or grandson?

You definitely have a lot on your plate just now.  Hope that you can find 30 minutes here or there to relax and take care of your self.
💟 🌹 🌺
(0)
Report
Kim,
It has been a week since we have heard anything from you.  What is going on with your family?  Have any of the suggestions helped?
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to DeeAnna
Report

Insane - usually guardianship is heard in probate court with the orders done by probate judge. I’d suggest you give probate court a call - there will be staff for the judge / court who are very knowledgeable- to ask IF it is probate where guardianships are heard for the county in which you are a resident of & your parents are residents of. If so, ask if court has a listing of attys / law firms who have presented guardianship pleas in last 2 years. Maybe they do and lucky you..... but if not then you can online (ask how to do this, it should be easy through the overall courthouse website) go the docket to see recent (like last 2 years filings) and see who the attys are doing the filings. The atty filing will be posted yo each guaripresented. There will be more than likely just a few names that appear over & over again. Winner winner chicken dinner as those are the guys you call as they have the experience doing guardianship & know how this judge runs his / her court. That’s who you call and find one that gels. You & the folks need an atty to shepherd all this especially since there’s not interfering grandkids.

Note - your & folks residency is mucho importante. It’s my experience that judges do not like non residents being named guardian as they want that person being accountable to them their court which means being there. This leave your sibling out as they live in another state (right?) and could be why they have their kids doing stuff now. Try to do your best Nancy Drew / Veronica Mars and jot down the names of all involved and theirs boyfriends or friends names helping her. Atty can run priors on them. Can run credit reports too, which is important to show fiscal responsibility or lack of. Bet there’s gonna be stuff..... let us know what’s happening over time, ok? I’m getting popcorn
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to igloo572
Report

Hello CTN55, what has changed is what I wrote: that my niece has ramped up her efforts and, instead of jumping and down and creating havoc at medical facilities, she's now brought the law into it, as part of her quest to involve new people who have no background story. And her harassment is taking a heavy toll on my Dad's health and now on mine.
I"m not clear if you're saying that I shouldn't be posting about it again? I hadn't gotten any help before, though I do see helpful answers this time.
Is there a problem you're having with me posting this?
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to kimsgoneinsane
Report
Ahmijoy Aug 11, 2018
Kim first of all, I know I speak for everyone who has posted here on your thread when I say we hope things have changed for the better. We don’t pride ourselves on personal attacks on other posters and none of us would ever say “don’t post here again”. We try to help as much as we can, drawing on our own experiences and what we, ourselves have learned from other posters. Please bear in mind that we can only help cybernetically and we only read one side of the “story”. Now, that doesn’t mean we think you are wrong or over-reacting to anything that’s happened to you. But we aren’t sure you’ve taken any of our advice, either. You said that your first post yielded no helpful answers. You also don’t indicate you’ve done anything we suggested.

We care about what you’re going through and we all do hope there is a good resolution for everyone’s benefit. No one should be subjected to this sort of trauma.
(2)
Report
I like all the advice given. If I were you, I would also put in place a caregivers contract. I know some people recoil at being paid to care for their parents but it might save you a ton of trouble in the future to have your contributions written down and paid for.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/personal-care-agreements-compensate-family-caregivers-181562.htm
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Marcia7321
Report
kimsgoneinsane Sep 26, 2018
I have mixed feelings about that one but will consider it.
I am certain that Mom wants me to suffer. It's just who she is, and I don't hate her for it, though I do have issues with how she yells multiple commands at me at once sometimes.
I've compiled to-do lists that should give a good idea of how much I do all day. There are people who ask me if I "work". Today I spent 3 hours with Dad at the eye doc, then came home, made his and Mom's lunch, gave her meds, changed her diaper, and immediately left with Dad for his ENT appt., which took another 3 hours. How in the world would I have a job?
(0)
Report
It sounds like your dad is in your corner, so to speak. If so, I’d suggest that you go to court to become the court appointed legal guardian for them.
Your DPOA is constantly being undermined by brother & his family and you imo need something more defined with strict legal, which is what a guardianship does. It could be just for financials as it sounds like dad is still ok for making medical decisions. It will have costs as you need an atty experienced in guardianships but your folks can pay for it.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to igloo572
Report
kimsgoneinsane Aug 3, 2018
thank you much igloo. I'm wondering if you can suggest what sort of attorney I should call. I feel like I exhausted all the elder abuse attorneys months ago. Would it be family law? Or civil litigation?
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
First, take a few deep breathes. I know how frustrating having her pop back up harnessing/stalking you can be but you've got to know she's hoping for an angry response in front of witnesses that don't know the whole story - like the police officer. Don't give control of your emotional state to this brat.

If you can get a copy of the hospital footage where your niece falsely claimed assault or statement(s) from the hospital admin or security staff, that would help you in discussing this with police and APS.

If you father would write an affidavit that his son and family have financially and verbally abused him in the past and attach copies of the bills/statements showing the financial abuse, this would be very useful with the authorities too.

If APS investigated and concluded that your parents are being cared for by you - get a copy of that report. Statements from the in home care givers if their agency allows them to provide one would also be helpful.

Next your father (since it's his house) or you (if he granted DPOA) need to ask the police to charge her with trespass. Your niece has no "right" to be on the property even when she called in a elder health check call. Police will normally issue a warning the first time around, then charge her on the second call. You may need to post some "no trespass" signs along the property line. Contact the police/sheriff supervisor and inform him/her of the situation - try to get agreement they will press trespass charges.

You need to install security camera(s) around your home that upload to the internet in real time if possible - a "ring" doorbell is motion activated and costs less than $100. You can start with one camera and add additional cameras as funds allow. It is against the law to lie to the police or file a false police report. If your niece calls the police and claims you assaulted her when you have video evidence it didn't happen that way, the police may file charges against her. If her family lies to support her claims, it damages their credibility in any court/police/APS action that follows. Ring video can be accessed in real time from a smart phone app or a web page.

Contact your state representative's office and ask for help protecting your elderly parents. Again those documents listed above will help your cause.

So sorry you have to jump through all these extra hoops just to be left alone. My own experience is the sooner you take these steps (while your Dad can actively help) the better. Your brother and niece most likely feel entitled to your father's "help" and blame you for (unjustly in their view) cutting off the money flow and feel entitled to do anything to reestablish that flow.

Good luck.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to TNtechie
Report
kimsgoneinsane Sep 26, 2018
Thank you TNtechie, but I'm hitting walls on everything.
The state reps have not called me back. I got an email from one thanking me for contacting him and saying that he appreciates my vote. :/
I also called the DA's office. They expressed sympathy and said it's a terrible position to be in, but they added there's nothing they can do and nothing I can do. They said dont bother attempting to get PO's or RO's since there have been no threats of violence.
I've called the only two companies that install cameras for residences. One promised to call on Monday, but that was 4 months ago. I called him again a month later and he once again promised to call "next Monday" but never did. The other co. wanted $3000. I don't have that, and honestly, it sounded complex to upload the videos, which is something I've already struggled with to upload video and recordings from the devices I bought online. I bought some CD's to upload them to, but keep getting msgs that the CD isn't in the computer when it is.
I'm going to look into "Ring" next, as I've seen lots of ads for it on nextdoor site, but I'm learning just how tech savvy I"m not, as I've spent far too much time trying to make devices work or trying to upload recordings when I need to be vacuuming, doing laundry, paying bills, making meals, picking Dad's clothes off the chairs, bed, and walkers.
I'm considering taking Dad down to the police station for the trespass order. These last 6-7 months of high drama have taken a terrible toll on his health and cognitive processes, so he's likely to forget why he's there by the time we arrive, and I don't want to appear to be coaching him in what to say. Both parents are beyond embarrassed about police coming over 3 times already this year though when they came to the house at our request once, it was to ask for a protective order which we didn't get since she's made no threats. Trespassing might be easier to get addressed.
I put Mom in rehab for just a few weeks a while back and I thought it would be a nice opportunity for my niece to see her as much as she wanted. I found out later that she used that opportunity to tell the staff there daily that I am "dangerous" and shouldn't be allowed to see Mom. I wondered why CNA's would come rushing into the room whenever I arrived. There I was thinking that they were trying to impress me...haha...sigh.
(0)
Report
I thought this story sounded familiar...sure enough, you posted this thread in May:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-can-i-protect-myself-from-my-brother-and-his-family-438958.htm

So what's changed since then?
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to CTTN55
Report
TNtechie Aug 2, 2018
Maybe there's been a "fresh" upsetting occurrence and the OP didn't get much practical advice with that prior call for help?
(5)
Report
See 2 more replies
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter