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SORRY SO LONG....My husbands mother (who is 80, diabetic pills, shots, HBP, osteoporosis, high cholesterol, heart valve that doesn’t open correctly, acid reflux, COPD, back/knee problems (currently in hosp because of shoulder/arm pain...tests/ x rays, stress test all negative...she’s kind of a hypochondriac @ times (but aren’t we all as we grow older) anyway she’s 80 still drives, goes to church, out to eat, visits family...she is starting to grow more feeble daily and has fallen numerous times, forgetful...all in all she does well.


No rest-home she’s independent...but here’s the kicker...my hubby and I live next door to her so hubby is one who cuts grass, will pick up meds, home repairs and works full time and has a side job which he works 10-20 hours weekly. Has 1 sister who works but is good about taking mom out to eat, fixing her hair etc...she lives within 15 minutes of her mom as well as 1 brother who also lives within same distance and she’s lucky to see him 1x week. He never offers my hubby any help doing help that mom needs..mom says he’s as useless as t*ts on a boat hog..lol...thing is as his mom is growing more feeble and needing more help he is packing up and moving 12-15 hours away as soon as he sales out around here.


It makes hubby mad and he feels hard feelings to his brother as he’s moving when mom is getting worse he wants nothing to do with her care but as I’ve read in other posts he will be standing with his hand out when mom passes and her home is sold...mom thinks even though hubby/sister are the ones who have been and will continue to be giving care that she still wants the brother to have his share when she is gone and home is sold. My hubby thinks brother should stick around and do his share to help too or not be left anything...brother does not have to move because of job transfer or anything else just says he wants the h@ll out of here.


My mother's mom lived with her for 8-9 months before she passed away from cancer and she wanted money from her home divided between my mom and sisters (they neither one offered to stay with grandma for even a couple of hours to give mom a break- I helped with her. They only came and saw her in the months my mom kept her 2x. I don’t know if this is a generational thing wanting things divided equally between children who don’t help or what? My kids know to sell my home and money used to put me somewhere to be taken care of that way there’s no conflict about division and kids not pulling their weight.(thank goodness my sister and I had no conflict and both stuck together and are now both moms legal guardian) It can divide families when responsibility is not divided on children...we’ve tried to talk mom into selling her home and going to assisted living..but she doesn’t want to leave her home...I’m sure others have been through this..opinions???

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"I agree the "split everything equally" idea is generational. But it leads to bad feelings instead of family harmony, which I think was the original goal."

I was talking with a woman the other day (early 80's), and she was planning to split her (considerable) estate three ways between a son and two daughters. BUT the son had been lent quite a bit of money which was never paid back. She did not want to subtract that amount from his inheritance, but rather planned to split everything three ways "to avoid hard feelings."

Say WHAT?! I told her that I sided with her daughters, who were not happy about it. She did say she was thinking about changing it. I hope she does. And, to top it off, her son was quite rude to her when she wanted him to do some things for her when she was newly-widowed, and has now moved out of state.

How can these people who insist on doing this not realize how it is NOT family harmony that will be the result of this sort of thing?
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Marcia7321 Aug 19, 2018
The best way to do this is to have the loan in writing and keep good records of how much of the loan is still outstanding. Then, when the estate is being settled, you add the outstanding balance due to the total value of the estate. Divide that number equally to get each child's share of the inheritance. Then you give each child the amount their share, removing the balance due from the debtor's inheritance.

Example. Loan balance due is $20,000. Estate Value (without the loan) is $100,000. Four children. Total estate value is $120,000. Divide by four and each child gets $30,000. The debtor child receives $10,000. ( This will work if the debtor doesn't owe more than his share is worth.)
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What BarbBrooklyn says.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/personal-care-agreements-compensate-family-caregivers-181562.htm

Get a quote on what it would cost to have a yard service and what the hourly rate is for companion care. It's a very good idea to run this contract and your mother in law's general financial situation past an Elder Care lawyer in case you need to qualify for Medicaid down the road. It would also be nice if once or twice a year, your MIL actually hired the lawn service and companions so the caregiving children could take a break.

I agree the "split everything equally" idea is generational. But it leads to bad feelings instead of family harmony, which I think was the original goal. Good luck!
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The solution is for you, husband and sister to be paid for what you are all doing in the here and now, not pie in the sky bye and bye.

Set up caregiver contracts so that there is no resentment. If mom doesn't like that, she can pay someone else to do her chores.

You need to have contracts to document where her money went in case she needs Medicaid down the road, which, unless she is generationally wealthy, she may well do.
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