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I've posted before about my dad. Here's a brief summary of the situation. We've been assisting him for over three years now. He lived with us for almost ten months while recovering from serious health problems. Now he lives "independently" in a senior residence with a great deal of help from my husband and me.

Last May, we finally managed to remove one of our responsibilities: Dad started doing his own laundry. This came about because I had surgery and we needed a break. Our plan had been for Dad to pay to have his laundry done at the senior residence, but he refused to spend the money and instead started washing everything himself. (At most, it's only one load per week).

Now he's trying to give back the task, and he's using a variety of tactics to make it happen. My feeling is that we have done everything else for him and if he won't pay to have the laundry done, he'll have to continue to do it himself. Is that an unreasonable approach? I told him again today that if doing the laundry is making him tired, he should make use of the laundry service instead, but he came up with more excuses about why that wouldn't be a good idea.

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Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.
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The Five Languages of Love
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I have heard ( I think the source was a Love Language Book) that some people think love is measured in what is done for them or given to them. The senior living facility I am sure is very nice. However consider that Dad might be feeling a little un-loved. Based on your text, you do a great number of things for him but perhaps he is "feeling" a little something different. Our frustrations have a way of coming out into the open. The truth is people often forget what you do but remember how you make them feel. Just a thought, as you do all the things you do find ways to make it feel like love. Make him smile. You will smile too
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Something was mentioned on here about laundry being a women's job. People may forget that women now have rights and they aren't slaves. I can guarantee you if given this scenario, I would definitely not be doing all of the laundry all of the time guaranteed! Though some women may be willing to do all of the laundry all the time, there are some women out there who won't tolerate it. I personally would sit down some rules ahead of time that if you want your clothes clean, you help with the laundry or your clothes will not get clean. Laundry duties are for everyone. If you want your clothes clean at my house, you contribute to laundry duty or your laundry will be excluded from washing. Those would be my rules and they would be strongly enforced because everyone would contribute. Women are not slaves, slavery was outlawed long ago and women now have equal rights.
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don't Ask, you may have a point there. He, like so many of our elders will never be happy again, because they will never be 22 and carefree again!! But, if busy helps him to keep his mind off of other things, maybe it is good. I sure don't know!! I was just reading the various postings, wondering what the right answer would be!! AngieJoy, you have certainly gone above and beyond!! Thank you for being such a willing participant in your fathers' life!! God bless! Get Well!
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Well, at least he's not going dirty and I'm proud of him for that! If he wants to do the laundry and at least do something to stay busy and help himself, then as long as he's able I say let him do it
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Good idea. I'll make a list and send a message to the doctor prior to Dad's next visit. We also may need to insist that Dad get a new scale. I don't think that there really is any problem with the current scale, but when Dad's weight is higher than he'd like, he often says that the scale must be unreliable.
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Angie, i would prep the doctor to talk to your dad about what he needs to do in terms of keeping healthy and keeping out of " much more expensive " levels of care, if that's what you think is motivating him.
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Babalou, Dad's next checkup with the PCP will be toward the end of October. We do plan to discuss this situation with her. If the situation seems to require it, I'll talk to her sooner. At least this was Dad's only ER visit, thus far, in 2016. The previous visit was in October 2015. (The other visits all resulted in hospital admissions.)
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Angie, talk to his doctor about this issue. Also, it sounds like there might be some subtle cognitive decline going on that might warrant a higher level of care. But talk to the doc first.
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A complicating factor is that his doctor has specifically told us to bypass urgent care and take him directly to the ER when he has symptoms that suggest fluid in his chest/lungs. But next time, I'm going to insist that he get checked out by the nurse at the independent/assisted living and/or the paramedics prior to any ER visit.
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Yes, that EMS is going to get tired of your dad being the "frequent rider" because it takes them away from much more ill patients! They're going to know his game. Yes, he may be ill, but does not need their services.
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Yes, he's aware of that, and he knows that he should take extra Lasix when his weight increases. He, in my opinion, just doesn't want to pay for any extra services.
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Angie, does your Dad understand that the daily weight check is to see accurately how much fluid he is retaining, and nothing at all to do with the Body Beautiful aspect of weight control? Does he even realise how much water weighs??? - It is just *astonishing* how much fluid tissue can hold onto!
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Another update: When we were at the emergency room, I decided that we needed professional management of the entire water retention/congestive heart failure situation. My first thought was assisted living. When I saw the list of services that were included in assisted living, it was obvious that Dad doesn't need them. What he needs is a medical professional to weight him daily and record his weight.

On Tuesday, Dad, my husband, and I met with the manager of the senior residence. The service that we want is available through the affiliated home health care, and Dad's insurance would pay for most, if not all, of it. The nurse was going to contact Dad's PCP and ask her to order that service.

When I spoke to Dad yesterday, he had made an entirely different arrangement with the nurse--she will stop in every few days and check his lungs, etc. She won't weigh him. Not at all what I wanted, but it won't cost him anything, which apparently is paramount.

How aggravating! I asked Dad to at least discuss the original plan with the nurse. Yesterday, he said he would. Today he told me that he had forgotten. I doubt that he will ever try to implement the plan.
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Angie, your body is telling you to pull back from this. If dad is having an emergency, it needs to be dealt with by professionals, not by you. I know it sounds a bit cruel, but sometimes " take me to the ER " is actually " pay attention". You need to be able to distinguish between them.
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Babalou, That's a great idea. I'll do that. I don't know how many more ER visits I can stand. Sounds dramatic, I know, but this is our second visit this week (the first was for me).
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Angie, this is going to sound awful, but perhaps next time dad says this, have him ( or you) call 911. ERs should be used gor real emergencies. Have the EMTs check jim out and decide if transport is necessary.
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Another update. Yesterday morning, Dad called and told us that he needed to go to the emergency room. We spent most of the day there, and once again, there was nothing wrong with him. The doctor gave him some IV Lasix on the assumption that there must be some fluid buildup in his chest (although none of the tests showed that). Now we'll have to schedule a totally unnecessary (in my opinion) follow-up appointment with his primary care doctor.
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The laundry saga continues.

I had planned to talk to Dad about the laundry on Thursday. Tuesday night, I suddenly became ill, and my husband and I spent the night in the ER. I'm feeling much better and should be completely okay in a week or so. Dad is aware that I've been ill.

Today (Friday) we stopped by his apartment to drop off some items. Dad asked politely about my health, and then told us that Thursday (his laundry day) had been absolutely horrible but that he had somehow managed to get "everything" done despite having had only three hours of sleep.

I didn't respond to the laundry lament specifically at the time, but this afternoon I called Dad and told him to let us know if he wanted to go to the doctor to discuss the sleeplessness. I also told him plainly that us doing the laundry that wasn't an option and that his choices were paid assistance or doing the laundry himself. I told him that we would help set up paid laundry service and that I thought that he shouldn't do his own laundry because it was too much for him. He has agreed to ask the manager of the senior residence about their paid service (not necessarily to use the service, just to ask about it). That's definitely a step in the right direction.
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AngieJoy, your path on this journey sounds a lot like mine.

My Dad is now 95 and walks with a rolling walker but he is also a fall risk, has sundowning memory issues, but once Dad was in his IL apartment I never had him back over to home for meals, I wanted him to adapt at the facility. Dad has options to take the facility bus on certain days to go to Walmart, the Dollar Store, the local grocery store, etc. but he never took those free options.

The only time Dad get out of the facility is for a doctor appointment, then his caregiver will stop at Burger King, which Dad enjoys doing.

Dad's facility also has a paid laundry service, I think it was $10 a load. To me that is worth it. But for my Dad I had a paid caregiver who was with him 7 to 1 Monday through Saturday. And she did the laundry. Dad's budget could afford it, as saving money for my inheritance at this point in my life would mean I could get myself in IL much quicker :P
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When I read about all the truly serious issues other people are having with their loved ones, I feel really petty complaining about my relatively trivial problems with Dad. But I just feel that I need a break from the stress and responsibility, and giving up the laundry chore is that break.

I know that Dad has lost a great deal as a result of getting old. I want him to have the best life possible under his current circumstances, but I also want to have some of my own health and strength, and my husband's health and strength, left at the end of this journey. I don't mean to whine (I'm on the wrong thread for that!), but the family is quite dysfunctional. In spite of that, my husband and I have stepped up for Dad, and we have no plans to quit caring for him. I just want a little help with one chore (the laundry), either through a paid service (preferable) or through Dad's own efforts (if he continues to refuse paid help).

Kidnumber2, Thanks so much for your response. I talked to Dad last Thursday about the paid laundry service. He was quite negative about it but said he'd think about it. I also offered to shop for any clothing extras he needed, but he said he didn't have room to store them (not true). I plan to talk to him about the laundry situation again this week. The senior residence provides housekeeping services. They clean Dad's apartment once a week, and they change the sheets. He doesn't seem at all perturbed by having their help. Two washers and two dryers are available for the residents of independent living who do their own laundry and don't have their own laundry machines (four apartments total). I think that there was a problem with one of the washers, and I'm not sure whether or not it was repaired. I've received conflicting information as to whether or not Dad, in independent living, can use the same paid laundry service as the residents in assisted living. If he can, it will cost him $15 a load (that does seem quite expensive, but he can easily afford it). I feel bad for Dad that he has had to move to a senior residence rather than living more independently, and I know that it has been a big change. I talk to Dad almost daily, and we are at his apartment at least once a week. He also has frequent telephone conversations with my siblings and with an old friend. He goes out with us for recreational shopping. For what it's worth, he is still so with-it mentally that he produced an updated edition of his memoirs this year (and guess who helped him with that!).
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AngieJoy: Here are the facts as they stand--you cannot continue to pull double duty by doing your father's laundry and whatever other duties that you're doing for him. And why not? Because then you'll fall ill and will be good to no one. No, you're on the right site! That's what were here for! Dad WILL HAVE TOPAY FOR the laundry service!
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Hope you had that talk with dad about the paid laundry service. Honestly, it could not possibly cost that much. I don't care what the other people say about just throwing the clothes in the machine, then putting them in the dryer on your way back.
If you can't do it, you can't do it.
As I said, I can barely get my OWN laundry done. How much could it possibly cost? Does he have housekeeping there too? Who changes the bed linens? There must be some services that he is using there. Maybe he doesn't want strangers touching his clothes or he is afraid of someone taking advantage of him.
My Grandma lived to age 95 in her own apartment. Had a "wheeled" basket to take laundry back and forth to laundry room. However, she was a woman and accustomed to doing this chore her entire life.
She also cleaned her own apartment. Eventually she relented and got someone to help with the cleaning. She discovered one or two things missing. It is sad to think that a person would steal some little knickknack from an older person, thinking no one will notice. Make your presence known there. Make sure the helpers are reliable. Honestly, you will wear yourself out trying to keep up your own household and his too. Any siblings to help?
Don't stress yourself out over it.
I reiterate my suggestion.
Buy him more underwear, socks, shirts, pants.
When you go for your outing, put the stuff in your car and drop it of at a laundry near your home.
When you go back to dad's, bring it back and bring him the bill.
There is no reasoning with some people when they become that old. They can truly be like children. He is your father and it is courteous to have a polite discussion with him. But he must also realize that you have your own household to take care of and this is all you can do.
He must just be awfully lonely and maybe afraid. Is there a social worker at this facility who can check in on him, see how he is doing?
Where my mom lives they have a "buddy system" where the people check in on one another.
Also, 2 washers and dryers, one of them broken, maybe he can't even get to use them!
Take the stuff with you - maybe there is a service right near where he lives.
You have GOT to take the bull by the horns. Also, give them instructions about washing and drying. A lot of my clothes shrink in the dryer, so I have to take them out and hang them up.
Is there a person on the premises who can just do this for him? It really cannot cost that much money.
It is so hard when they get old. 95 is pretty old to be alone, even if he is in an assisted living facility. I am sure the laundry issue has something to do with this as well.
Good luck:)
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Llamalover, Yes, it's likely that the laundry chores are too much for Dad. I wish that he would agree to use a paid service.

I'm still tired from yesterday's shopping trip with Dad, and I'm beginning to wonder how my husband and I are going to keep doing all that needs to be done for him. Guess I need to go over to the whine thread rather than keep venting about that here! (And I know that so many caregivers are doing much more than we are.)
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"The writing was on the wall" on this one. Dad's not getting any younger. He's getting older and this task is too much for him. He should use the service.
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When he runs out of clean clothes he will return to doing it himself. It happened after my dad had surgery. He never cooked a day in his life my mom had him spoiled. After she passed, ladies from his church use to bring meals but over the years all has dried up. I will bring him food and light housekeeping but since I know he knows how to put his clothes in wash and dryer, i come help fold. He is 86 years of age with no savings or long term care insurance. Trying to help him stay as independent as he can..he has mild dementia, diabetes (I give him his meds now since he no longer remembers to take his blood sugar or shots). It's tough in these situations.
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I just typed a long post but forgot to log in.

I checked out the laundry room this morning. It's barrier free, and there are two washers and two dryers (none of which is marked "out of order").

I think that I'll have a serious talk with Dad next week about the laundry situation. I'll offer to take him to World Market on Thursday, and when we get back I'll talk to him in his apartment. I plan to tell him that I know he doesn't like doing the laundry but that I want to try to reduce stress and don't want to resume the laundry chore. Then I can urge him again to use a paid service. If he refuses, I'll ask him if there is anything we can do to make the laundry process easier.

Tacy, You're right that we're lucky that Dad is still willing to change his clothes. I don't know what I'd do if he started wearing the same clothes for weeks or months at a time.

Grandma1954, Dad actually goes through very few clothes in the course of a week. It all easily fits into one load.
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Veronica makes an excellent point about a laundry basket on wheels. Jugs of laundry detergent can also be heavy. If he had something to push all of his laundry and supplies to the washing machine, he would probably feel comfortable enough to do his own laundry.

Sometimes helping means teaching someone how to do something properly. When my husband told me he didn't know how to clean a toilet I found a YouTube video. There are videos made by physical therapists at medical centers for older people about the basics of doing laundry.
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Just a quick addition to my previous post. Why not get him a laundry basket on wheels to make life easier. I know I can no longer carry a basket full of clothes. He probably won't admit it makes him feel unbalanced and unsafe to walk but never admit to that as he is not "old"
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