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I need help. My in-laws have been accepted to an independent living complex, and now she doesn't want to leave because they are fighting too much, and she is embarrassed because the new place is smaller.


I am POA for them financially, and they do not have a ton of money, but this is getting ridiculous! Do I just let them duke it out?


They both have memory issues, but I travel for work 11 on/10 off, and my husband (this is his mom and stepdad) is a private yacht captain and is gone until September.

So why are the In Laws moving to an "Independent" complex if they both have "memory issues?" This doesn't make sense.

They can't live safely by themselves in their current home? Because it's cheaper?
Why aren't they going to an Assisted Living place? Too expensive?

An "Independent" complex is basically an age-defined apartment, meaning over 55 only, no children allowed. The complex won't be "helping" them with anything. They still have to do their own driving, shopping, cooking & cleaning.
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Reply to Dawn88
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MissesJ May 9, 2025
Some independent senior communities (all of the ones I have visited) do provide driving (pre-scheduled), cooking (three meals/day in the dining room or “to go”), and cleaning (once/week floors, sinks, tubs).
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You are their PoA but please read the document to see what activates your authority to make decisions on their behalf: usually it is an official medical diagnosis by their doctor of sufficient impairment enough to require help. Get the letter on their clinic letterhead and signed by their doctor. Mine put it in my Mom's online portal and I just downloaded it.

If you need advice on how to get them in to see their primary doctor, come back to this forum because there are strategies for this.

FYI being PoA for 2 needy and uncooperative people will be extremely challenging. Even with PoA authority it won't be easy to get an unreasonable senior with memory impairment to do things they resist.

First things first: make sure your PoA is active for them. If you are only their financial PoA, then who is their Medical?
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Reply to Geaton777
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Why are memory impaired seniors living independently? I'm surprised they were accepted in the first place. I don't think you have much choice as far as "letting" them duke it out, unless physical violence is going on. Have you had a talk with them? If fists are used, one or both can get arrested. If there is a community area available, suggest one of them go there to cool off before the arguing goes too far or gets too loud. The trouble with cognitive impairment is their reasoning and logic skills are compromised. That means advice usually goes in one ear and out the other.

In any event, having financial POA for them gives you no rights over anything but finances. When your husband gets home, he may want to talk to them and get them to their PCP for a physical and possible antidepressants to better control their mood swings,

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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I agree about moving into IL when both have memory issues. It will get worse and IL offers no real hands on assistance. Has anyone actually stayed in their home with them for a few days to see how well they really are doing? It can be surprising.

Becoming quarrelsome can be a huge issue. I recall how it started with my cousin. She argued over everything and nothing. If it’s due to cognitive decline, they have little control over it. I’d be concerned for them to duke it out unsupervised. Good luck finding a solution. Even if they promise to get along, I wouldn’t believe it. Meds for agitation might help, but still….who will ensure they take the meds?
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Reply to Sunnygirl1
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Bottom line your in-laws are way beyond being able to live independently and you and your husband need to quit living in denial about that fact, and get them both placed in an assisted living facility with a memory care unit attached for when they get further along in their dementia.
And if money is an issue, you'll have to apply for Medicaid for them.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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So, you are left with the quarreling inlaws. Sounds like fun.

How bad are their memories? Can they function in an assisted living with minimal help? It doesn't sound like it from what I've read here.

I don't have much more to add to this since you've been offered plenty of good advice here.
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Reply to Scampie1
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Can you arrange for them to have a test overnight there
one of my neighbours tested a place before she agreed to move out
they let her stay overnight
she may line it once there
anything you do make sure you get your husbands agreement
blood runs thick
he needs to be involved in any decisions
best wishes
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Reply to Jenny10
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