My mom has Alzheimer's and lives at home with my dad, but he started a relationship and moved this mistress in. What do I do?

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I understood my dads need for companion told him I was ok outside the house And would pay for more hours so he could go out. He disregarded this and moved the mistress in after only knowing her 3 months. She met as a backfill caregiver the agency sent for two weekends. Since she's moved in, she fired my caregiver, brought another one in or clearly they know each other.
It's been 3 months now, she continues to unplug the camera despite the many talks it's for my moms well being but she claims she unplugs it for privacy. She's taken down all the family pictures and claims it's because they want to paint. They keep my mom on a couch all day except for eating, bathroom and showers. She told me to my face in front of my dad when asked do you respect this house and family no. I've asked her to leave for a weekend when I'm there to stay at her son's house where she used to live 30min away. Responded no because it's her house, she's in a relationship with my dad and I need to accept it. I'm so worried about my moms health, they think she's is too far along to understand what's going on but she has more tremors and the not walking only using wheelchair only started after she moved in and deemed by mom unfit to walk. She continues to push my dad away from me, telling him if I can't accept or respect her I shouldn't be allowed to come home. I try to take it, so I can see my mom but it brakes me. I've seen a therapist for the first time last month, not helping much. I tried to offer to get another caregiver in the evenings I hire, he said no she was fine and he was taking care of my mom with the mistress how he sees fit. I've talked to lawyers, they said I wouldn't win if I tried to divorce him to have financial support to get her out. I could only take her with me if I quit my job but then wouldn't have financial support and can't do it all alone. My brother lives at home and support my dads choice as he's not confrontational. I've tried so many ways to get though to him to compromise, nothing's works. I'm broken, lost and out of solutions. I just want spend time with my mom at home but can't, they moved into my room, sleep together and my moms alone at night. I let my mom down, I can't control the situation, I can't find a solution and so broken. I have compassionate for him but their is no compromise. I miss my mom, my faimily and home. As if losing her wasn't enough I have nothing and spent the last 6 years caring for her and now I ask was it worth all the sacrifice. Would my mom want me to suffer move home or take her with me, or would she want me to live my life and be happy accepting things as they are? The lady is clearly after money I can careless about, I'm just worried she hurts my mom. It makes me so sad to see my mom getting worse, no one correlates to these changes, they are even affectionate in front of her. She deserves so much more and I've failed her as a daughter and I can't fix things, I'm so angry I don't want to go home because they don't want me there because they are happy alone but it's not fair to my mom it's still her home it's our home but we aren't a family anymore. I never thought things could get to be this. 55 years married and just flipped a switch to be this dad I don't even know. I write letters to my mom everyday since I can't see her telling her the things I wish I could tell her in person and each time tell her how sorry I am because she deserved so much more. Why! Why can't I fix this or let her live the end of days as she deserves surrounded with love not abandoned on a couch 12 hours a day. It's just so sad and I'm hopeless.

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I keep seeing your post and my heart aches for you. I have no advise but if I were you, I would do whatever it took to get my mom out of that situation.
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I would bet this caregiver/mistress isn't through an agency or has left the agency by now. I would try to do a background check on her (you can order and pay for them online) to see what her background is - if she has any criminality in her history. Things like theft or forgeries, etc. You need to be prepared if she does.

I'd also consult with an elder care attorney to see if there's something else you can do for your mom. It's such a sad/horrible situation, I really feel for you and your mom. Please let us know what you do and how you're doing.
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Perhaps you could clarify - I'm not clear on some of the issues.

1. The mistress/caregiver "fired my caregiver, brought another one in or clearly they know each other." I'm wondering how this could happen. She has absolutely no authority to fire another caregiver or bring in a substitute. Did you call the agency and report this when it happened? What action was taken? If you didn't contact them, why not?

As I'm interviewing private duty companies, the issue of substitutes when necessary as well as matching caregiver with clients is one that's always addressed. It's clear that only the client and the agency have the authority to make changes.

Did you ask the agency if the former caregiver asked to be relieved of her assignment?

Did you sign the caregiving service contract?

2. "Responded no because it's her house, she's in a relationship with my dad and I need to accept it." Who has legal title to the house? You? Your father? If him, have you checked to see if he's conveyed title to him and her, or to her alone?

3. "lawyers ... said I wouldn't win if I tried to divorce him to have financial support to get her out." I assume you know that only your parents can initiate divorce, unless you have some type of legal authority to act on their behalf. Did you raise the issue of acting on behalf of your mother to initiate possibly separation followed by divorce proceedings?

If your mother wouldn't understand the nature of the proceedings, ask if "next friend" status could be used by you on her behalf to initiate proceedings.

Did you discuss guardianship?

4. "I could only take her with me if I quit my job but then wouldn't have financial support and can't do it all alone." Not necessarily. If divorce proceedings were filed, an attorney could request a temporary order providing for marital support for your mother.

What kind of attorney did you see? This is a matter for a matrimonial or family law attorney.
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I am betting if she worked for an agency ( and it says she was a fill in) that she is no longer doing so. However, I would notifiy that agency about what is going on. They may have some other info you could use. If dad is in his right ( if misguided) mind there is probably not much you can do. But I would contact a lawyer about protecting moms finances.
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Oh I am so sorry for your situation, it is heartbreaking that your Father doesn't see how sad and hurt you are by his actions. As one other poster mentioned, I would call Adult Protective Services, tell them everything that you have said here, and ask them to do a home wellness check on your Mother.

I would also call the Alzheimer's Association, and ask them if they have any suggestions for you and your Mom's situation going on in her home. Surely she must have Some rights in all of this!

Does this Caregiver/Aide/girlfriend work for an agency, as she may be pulling some sort of Sweetheart Scam, and taking advantage of your Father, while he is in this vulnerable state, as you have mentioned, you do feel bad for him, his losing his life partner to the terrible Dementia disease!

I would also try to speak to your Father alone, I know that I would go so far as to camp outside his home, and follow him if I had to, to intercept him, and have it out with him, again, he might be being Scammed! These sorts of professional black widows know exactly how to pull the wool over an unsuspecting victim! How old is this woman anyways? 

Yes, he's alone and lonely, I get that, but this isn't the Dad you thought he would ever be, making me think that there is something wrong in his thinking! How about writing your Mom's Dr, and tell him/her everything that is going on! Perhaps they can speak with your Dad about what he is doing, it might just kick his moral compass back into gear! 

I am So sorry this is happening to you! God bless and hang in there!
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I will charitably put this down to stress and mental wear-and-tear from caregiving, but your father has lost his mind.

He's either shagging the staff or forcing his wife to accept personal care from his mistress, whichever way you slice it; and it's so hair-raisingly NOT okay - and you describe a man who is normally a good, upright citizen - that one can only assume he has temporarily mislaid his moral compass.

BostonGal's question is very important - because if she is, she has ethical and professional standards to meet, and sleeping with her client's husband breaches both.

I shouldn't waste any more breath consulting the caregiver, it's only creating hostility and making her defensive. Are you able to have a conversation with your father that doesn't start "Dad! Eeeeeuuuwwww..!" ?
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Is the mistress still being paid as a caregiver for your mom?
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Did u speak to the Lawyer about protecting Mom half of everything? We have one poster whose stepfather is skimming money little by little. Even if there are two names on a bank account its none unheard of for one person to clean the other out.
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Nancy, just looking at this situation from all angles. I wonder if Dad is conning the "mistress", that he needed someone to help with his wife, and he found someone gullible to do the work for free, making promises to her. I just cannot imagine a woman moving into a house when the wife is still living there. What a mess.

See if Mom can afford to move to Assisted Living/Memory Care, usually the cost is around $4k per month. Mom is entitled to half of the assets, which can be sold to self-pay for awhile.

Otherwise, have Mom sign up for Medicaid and see if she can qualify and move into to a nursing home. But, if she and Dad own that house, Medicaid will put a lien on Mom's half of the equity. Then down the road Medicaid will ask for payment, thus Dad would need to either sell the house or reimburse Medicaid from other funds.

Make an appointment with an Elder Law Attorney to get some suggestions on what can be done in this situation. He/she might have other recommendations.
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Nancy,

You are not to blame for the choices your father has made. You have no control over what he does or how big of a pig he is. My heart would break too if my dad moved in some girlfriend because my mom had Alzheimer's. It's one of the sickest things I've ever heard. And that the girlfriend seems to be calling the shots now is very bizarre indeed.

If you are concerned about your mom's welfare contact Adult Protective Services in your area and have them do a check on your mom.

Keep writing letters to your mom if for no other reason than they're therapeutic for you and you're getting your feelings out. It's a very healthy coping mechanism. And remember that you have no control over what your dad does or what decisions he makes. Please PLEASE don't beat yourself up over this, there's not a thing you can do about it. These are your dad's choices and he's responsible for them.

Have you considered a nursing home for your mom? As you said, she does deserve better than to have her husband of 55 years move his mistress into their home the second your mom starts suffering from Alzheimer's. If dad wants to be with this woman I would think he'd be in favor of moving your mom to a nursing home. The mistress sounds like she treats your mom like a pet that needs to be fed and watered. I don't know your mom but I agree with you, she deserves better.
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