Dad's laundry: How should we proceed?

AngieJoy, may I ask how old is Dad? If he is a certain age, then he still feels that laundry is "woman's work".

My Dad [95] never did laundry in his life. When in college he use to mail home his laundry for his mother to do, of course back then one didn't had a washing machine and the dryer was the clothes line. After college Dad found work and lived in a boarding house where the house mother did the guy's laundry. Then he got married, and my Mom did 72 years worth of laundry. So, it is your job :P

It could also be he is tying up the machines at Assisted Listing by forgetting he has a load of wash that needs to be dried or he has dried clothes sitting in the dryer. Bet the ladies who live there aren't happy campers.

It's funny, he lives "independently" yet you and I feel so exhausted.... like, what is up with that?

Buy an arm sling and wear it when you go to visit Dad. Back when I broke my shoulder I was out of commission for 6 months yet the doctor didn't want me to wear my sling after the 2nd month.... I told my physical therapist about my parents and how they act when they see the sling, and he laughed, told me I have his permission to keep wearing the sling any time I am around the parents :)

Why does dad think that his laundry is YOUR job?

Send it out, get it done in house, do it himself. Not your problem!

AngieJoy, I wouldn't take on the laundry duties again, but I would try to figure out just what is causing his insistence. One thing that might get my curiosity is whether he remembers that you have have already told him no. It's possible that he's forgetting the previous conversations and that's why he seems insistent on the matter. I'd see if that is the case.

It also could be that he's not sure how to pay them. Could it come out of his account or would he have to pay separately. Maybe, his check writing skills are going and he's afraid he won't be able to do it.

Or, who actually comes to get his laundry with the service. Is he having accidents in his underwear and he's embarrassed for them to know about it? Maybe he gave up doing laundry for a reason.

I noticed that my cousin hadn't done laundry in a long time and wondered why. Later, I discovered that she had dementia and she could no longer navigate the instructions on the washing machine.

Maybe he thinks it's a way to guarantee that you'll visit. Assure him that you want to be the daughter, not the laundress, lol!

Dad is 95 years old, and although he has no cognitive problems, at his age, he shouldn't have to be washing clothes if he doesn't want to do so. (That said, though, he always did his own laundry when he was living at home with my mom. He was in his 90s at the time.) I just don't want to be the solution to his problem. Three years of free laundry service is enough, and he can well afford to hire the laundry done. We would take care of labeling the clothes for him, which is required.

I'm really irritated by his passive-aggressive approach to the situation. Today he told me how tired he was from doing the laundry and that it always made him tired but that he'd take a nap after lunch. When I brought up the subject of paid laundry service, he said that they didn't return the clothes quickly enough and he would run out of clothes. He brushed off my offer to equip him with more garments. Later on, my husband pointed out to me that we had been giving Dad one-week turnaround when we did his laundry--apparently that wasn't a problem for him at the time.

FreqFlyer, I love the idea of the sling, but I doubt it would help, because Dad brushes aside any mentions of my own health. After my surgery, I mentioned that I was feeling a little "off" because of the side effects. At the end of the conversation, he said, "I'm glad you're doing beautifully."

I might check myself on the turnaround time for laundry. The AL's that I have seen do laundry 3 times a week. It may just have to be something that you put your foot down. You can just inform him that the service is the way to go or do it himself. And stay firm. I still find it odd, but, I suppose time will tell what's at the bottom of it.

Angie, a couple of thoughts. Does your dad have dementia, or cognitive decline? Back in the day when mom had MCI and was in Independent Living, she wouldn't have been able to figure out how many of each item she needed to have enough clothing for a one week turn around. Also, due to anxiety issues, she would never believe that her clothes would find her way back to her. She also would have taken as gospel truth any awful story another resident told her about laundry turn-around. Not sure if that helps, but it might be part of this thinking.

Of course there is no logical reason why you should do Dad's laundry. None. If this were a man you were considering marrying I'd strongly advice you to refuse. But, hey, this is your father. He is 95. Is one load of laundry a week all he wants from you? I think I'd be inclined to do that small favor for him. (This assumes he is not manipulating you for all kinds of favors all the time.)

He is not willing to spend money on it now. Well, any money left when he dies you are probably going to get, right? So use some of it to send your own laundry out when the time comes!

Pick your battles. This one, it seems to me, is not one worth fighting. A pleasant relationship in your remaining time with him would be worth doing a load of laundry a week, to me. (But then, my mother just died last week, so maybe I'm looking at this from a slightly different perspective.)

I think that there are a LOT of other tasks that the OP has taken on in order to help her father live "independently" and that the laundry is one that is easily taken care of elsewise. I don't think this is about one load of laundry a week; I think it's a load of laundry piled on top of a lot of other tasks.

Babalou, You've summed up the situation perfectly. Although I know that other people on this board do far more for their parents (especially those who have parents living with them), I feel as though my husband and I are constantly working to facilitate Dad's "independence" and to give him semblance of an enjoyable life. This week, I took him out to lunch; today we're buying and delivering a couple of grocery items and his lottery tickets; tomorrow we're taking him out for recreational shopping; Monday we're taking him to a medical appointment; and earlier this week I set up his next two appointments with a couple of specialists. Although I certainly understand why some of the posters who responded to my question thought that Dad might have early dementia, he has no cognitive issues that would prevent him from doing his own laundry. He just wants a resumption of our free services. And what really annoys me is that he no doubt is complaining about his laundry efforts to anyone who will listen rather than speaking positively about all we have done for him.

I agree with Jeanne, as usual. And very sorry to learn of your loss Jeanne.

AnjieJoy, your dad may not have cognitive decline in things like memory, focus, or other things, but sometimes the LACK of judgment and reasoning is the first indication. They seem to lack the ability to reason that the laundry issue would be better served with the service. And when that's the case, there is usually no changing their minds.

Sunnygirl, That certainly is possible, but in this instance, I really think that the issue is an unwillingness to pay for services. I've seen other instances of this over the past three years. There is a limit to the time and effort that I want to put into saving money for Dad, and I'm starting to feel extremely stressed by the constant demands (always couched as requests).

Jeanne, I'm so sorry for your loss.

My Dad was in Independent Living and he didn't want to spend extra money on anything. He did have his own paid outside agency morning caregiver who was more than happy to do his laundry but she would complain the complex didn't have enough washers/dryers so she was always running back and forth to different floors to find an open machine, then had to watch the clock to get the clothes into the dryer and back into his room.

Now I am trying to picture my own Dad trying to do his laundry. He would probably take a nap and forget he had clothes in the washer. Then he would find all of his clothes, including under garments sitting in a wet pile on top of the machine because the cycle was over and some one else wanted the machine. Since Dad doesn't pay much attention to this clothes, he might not know that those were his things. It can become complicated as one ages.

Now my Dad is in Memory Care and part of the room/board includes the Staff doing his laundry, bed sheets and towels [they supply the sheets/towels].

I'd just say no. The sling doesn't seem to be a workable plan, maybe you could tell him you're allergic to even the additive free soap and fabric softener, but it's like with kids lies don't really solve the problem. How about a trade off.mtell him if you do his laundry something else has to give: no shopping, take transport to the doctor, etc. then he gets a choice and you might end up foregoing something you like less. My husband and I lived with both my parents until my mom passed in January, now it's just my dad we're caring for and it's becoming more and more work because, I think, it makes him feel good to be taken care. I've noticed my dad doing less and less of his assigned tasks (long ago when my mom started failing from MS) he asked what he could do to help. I told him to pick something but that he had to do it daily...I wanted just one thing I didn't have to think about. He started doing dishes and garbage and I didn't have to worry about that. Well things have changed because he's beginning to exhibit signs of failure to thrive. I've had to give him more chores to keep his participation level up and help him feel useful and plus it is taking the load off me makes us both feel better. Why don't you offer him a choice, does his living arrangement take them to the store periodically? At any rate it sound to me like the laundry situation isn't really the problem but that you feel underappreciated and that all you do is for naught. Hard on you, and he doesn't seem to care. I couldn't take care of my dad under those circumstances is wonderful about telling me how helpful I am and how he be in a nursing home if it weren't for us tells me what a good job I'm doing but it still doesn't help when I've got tons of work to do and no help which includes my husband who thinks his contributions of the whole thing is a having moved in. I don't know how quick he is on the ball but I would sit down and talk to him about how you're feeling burned out underappreciated and confused as to his attitude because we all know it could be a lot worse with no visitors no other care. More than laundry it sounds like he needs an attitude adjustment and maybe you did too. No insult intended it just sounds like you're hurting and burning out just from the situation. Ask him if he would like to go out for lunch with you or if you are he'd rather you spend that time doing his laundry. But obviously something has to give because laundry is not that big of a deal I wish that's all I have to do. I wish my husband would help me but the best I can do is to have them stay with my dad while I run out to the store. Maybe you could suggest a trip to the laundromat or to take them along shopping maybe he just wants to get out. Somehow it sounds like you're doing his laundry has become representative how much you love them to him.

You are not going to like this but the first thing i would do is go with hime down to the laundry facility to see for yourself exactly what is involved and what if any problems exist. They may have installed new machines he does not know how to use for example. This may not be your idea of a visit with dad but if he needs his laundry done once a week that becomes the purpose of your visit and anything else he wants to do like recreational shopping has to wait till next time. it is just possible he may find another way to get his laundry done.
People do loose their skills slowly and there does come a time where a basket full of laundry is just too heavy or it makes him feel unbalanced and he has a fear of falling and no longer being able to live independently.

Angie, I don't think you are being unreasonable about the laundry IN THE CONTEXT. I've read your other posts. The father's narcissism is in play - he could afford laundry service - he has options for someone to be paid to do laundry for him - but he wants YOU to take it back on. This is about exercising CONTROL over you and your husband. This is a boundary that you want to have in a situation that you feel little CONTROL in. I rarely disagree with Veronica and Jeanne, but I think that in this situation you are trying to have some sort of boundary so that your anger and resentment does not completely derail you. If this boundary is one that you need to be able to help in the other areas without being so overwhelmed by your frustration that you don't want to do ANYTHING, then it's ok by me. My MIL and FIL who are retired but have health problems didn't want to pay for help in the yard or home when they moved. They go to gun shows, bought 2 new vehicles, and go to gun range 2-3 times weekly. They can afford it. My husband and I both work. His parents had the money - just didn't want to spend it that way. I have the problem with them and same boundary issues but told husband he could do anything for them he wanted. However, I would not do their work and it would be interesting to me if he did stuff for their house that was still waiting to be done at ours. Help is not enable. You have provided options - your father is trying to make you do what he wants, not working with you on what can be done. Hugs to you. Hard road, I know.

Angie - you are spending too much time worrying about this & worrying about what other people think. You have decided that of all the many, many things you do for dad - you won't do his laundry any more. Totally reasonable. Your dad sounds like my elderly relatives - they will guilt, manipulate, etc until they get their way.

When he grumbles about being tired after doing laundry - agree with him that it is tiring & change the subject. If he comes right out and tells you he wants you to do his laundry - just say "I'm not able to do that" and change the subject.

He is a grown man, intelligent - either he will do his laundry himself or pay for it. His laundry, his problem.

Stop worrying about it. This is probably the first of many boundaries you are going to have to set but once you get the hang of it - it will liberate you.

I think Veronica raises a very good point: if there is some small new gremlin in the works that can easily be sorted out and FIL can continue taking care of his own laundry, it will be better for him.

But if it's just that the novelty has worn off and he can't be bothered and fancies getting someone else to do the work... Fair enough, and he can pay those nice service laundry people who will happily do it for him.

Guestshopadmin, Yes, I do think that this is a boundary issue. We have done so much for Dad, and in my opinion, he really doesn't appreciate it. In fact, I think that at least one other person has noticed his entitled attitude: his primary care doctor. She told him plainly that he was very fortunate (I don't remember the exact wording) and that many of her patients have no one to help them.

Veronica, I'll take a look at the machines tomorrow. I don't think that new machines have been installed in the last few months, but I will see if there appear to be any physical barriers that would make the task more difficult.

What is especially annoying is that Dad has no problems giving/offering money to my sister and her family, but he is unwilling to spend any money on services that would make it easier to take care of him.

I think that sort of resistance to spending money on things that, somehow, it "isn't right" to pay someone to do is pretty common, AngieJoy, don't you? The face my father used to pull at the very idea of calling a mechanic, or a plumber, or a gardener, or a cleaner, or a decorator - ! With anything that a member of the household ought to be able to do competently, it was as if it was an outright sin to pay good money for it.

The fact that they hadn't the time or the patience or the energy for whatever task it was was neither here nor there. The fence stayed down, the thermostat in the immersion heater went unrepaired for heaven's sake, for months on end. I used to wish that my mother had the common sense and the backbone simply to call someone in and just not mention it.

I don't suppose you could request laundry services on his behalf and, if he doesn't just go along with it, tell him there must have been a misunderstanding (fingers crossed behind your back)?

Veronica91 makes a good point. Doing the laundry himself, he will have to carry a basket which will require both hands to be full. I strongly discourage walking any distance with both hands full for a senior. I don't even like to do it.

IMO, you need at least one free hand in case you lose balance or fall. So, it's rather risky for him to do it himself. And if he refuses to pay the laundry service....to save on the aggravation, I might just pay the laundry service out of my pocket and call it a day. I know, it's not fair, not right, not your place to pay.....all that...but, having him not fall down would be more important to me.

Get him a rolly cart to put the laundry in. BRAND NAME versacart is a good one).

Yes, I have been concerned that it might be too difficult for Dad to carry the laundry back and forth, although it's a very short distance. Dad uses a rollator walker, and we've provided him with a cloth grocery bag for carrying the clothes. He doesn't wash his own sheets. The senior residence provides the sheets and changes the bed.

Babalou, I went to Amazon and looked at the Versacart. It looks like a really useful product. I would have loved something like that many years ago when we were walking to and from the Laundromat. It would probably be difficult for Dad to use something like that in conjunction with the walker, but I might print off a picture of it and get his opinion.

I do think that this is primarily a boundary issue. I've drawn a line in the sand, and Dad is busily trying to erase it.

Sometimes laundry is just laundry - except for when it isn't - and it's a line in the sand. Hard to determine which this is. To see if it's the money in not wanting it done at the facility - offer to pay for it yourself. Absolutly don't follow up on the offer - just check his reaction. I admit I didn't read every response but I don't think this was mentioned - perhaps is there a Laundry Nazi on his floor? My mom lived on three different floors and each laundry area had its own Nazi. You know, the person who checks to see how many machines you are using at once, are you promptly going from wash to dryer and dryer to out, are you pulling your lint out? One Nazi would actually rap in apartment doors if you were breaking any rules. Could your father had a run in with one? I have to admit I hated helping mom with laundry at her facility because of all the reasons FreqFlyer listed - and the Nazi. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to do it BUT paying to have it done should be the other choice. I had a job once that required a lot of moving - seven times in three years so I didn't have my own machines for a variety of reasons. I HATED the laundamat with a passion - not least of which was the machines were crap and would ruin nice work cloths. So, I would find a place that did laundry. I loved that - everything neatly folded and tied up in paper with a bow - sorry, I digress. If it were me, I'd try investigating a bit further but if it came down to a head butting battle, I think I'd probably just do it - for me it wouldn't have been to much extra with all the laundry I already do.

Interesting, i was assuming that the washer/dryer units were in dad's apartment, which is how mom's IL was set up. Send it out. Are you poa? Pay for it out of his funds.

The independent living area has five one-bedroom apartments and four studios. The one-bedroom units each have their own washer and dryer. The four studios share two washers and two dryers. Dad has a studio apartment at present, but he's on the waiting list for a one-bedroom. The washer/dryer area is a very short distance from Dad's apartment.

Yes, I am POA, but Dad is fully competent mentally, and he would justifiably be irate if I started making decisions for him and spending his money under the current circumstances.

When we take Dad shopping tomorrow, I'll take a look at the washer/dryer area and see if there are any obvious barriers to the laundry process. I'll also ask him, on his next laundry day (Thursday) if he can think of anything that would make the task easier for him. I don't expect a positive answer to that question. He has repeatedly rejected the idea of using the senior residence's laundry facilities. He has also rejected the idea of having a caregiver for a few hours a week to do the laundry and take him shopping. I think that his laundry plan is to do it all himself and complain about it.

Honestly, I don't think that there is any way to satisfy him short of taking on the task again ourselves. And that wouldn't necessarily stop the complaints. For a long time, every time we delivered the clean laundry, Dad griped about how much effort it was for him to put it all away.

Guess I need to turn a deaf ear to the complaints (much easier said than done) and see what happens.

Angie, the more I think about your Dad, the more I would do the laundry only if you can cut something out of his schedule that you do. Does Dad really need to do recreational shopping? Or does he do it because you want him to go with you?

I found out when I was taking both my parents [in their 90's] grocery shopping that they were only going with me to help me with the groceries. Good grief, if I had known that I would have stopped them coming along with me. Example, I would be in Aisle 26 and they would still be in Aisle 5. It was an all day ordeal which tired me out. I think they were glad when I offered to pick up their grocery list and get the groceries myself :)

Hello AngieJoy
I have a sick old mother. When I was a youngster my parents divorced. I cooked, cleaned, did laundry etc etc etc from a young age. I have all I can do to get my OWN laundry done at this point in life.
Sometimes parents remember their offsrping as the energetic children they once were, with mountains of energy.
Also, I have been specifically told by my mother that if she has to pay for this or that, this will be money cut from my inheritance. I don't care!!!!
Seems like sometimes the parent considers this a frivolous expense. Also, as he is older he may just want to spend more time with you. Set your boundaries. Buy more socks, underwear, t-shirts or whatever he needs so he doesn't have to think about having the laundry done as often. Arrange for the pick up and drop off of the laundry - maybe during one of your visits to bring him groceries. You will drop dead trying to fulfill all his wishes. It sounds like you are doing a great job. Maybe you can help him put the clean clothes away when they return from the laundry. Then he will think you are "doing the laundry".
I have had my mother tell me that I was "stingy" for not doing things she wanted me to do that I simply cannot afford.
You can only do so much. At 95 He may be focusing on the "half empty glass". That is too bad, but it sounds like you are doing an awful lot for him.
Honestly, I would love to be able to pay to have someone do all my laundry and housework.
He is probably lonely and doesn't really realize you are stretched as thin as possible.
It sounds like you are doing an amazing amount of things for him. God bless you.

I can think of only ONE other reason he may want you to do the laundry - and that may be that some of his clothing goes missing. That would be a legitimate concern - so inquire about that.
I don't know where he lives, but in my community there are DOZENS of reliable laundry services that pick up and deliver with everything intact.
Good Luck:)