Got mother to like moving to a independent living place. It's 5 hrs away packing her 3 bedroom home shes taking more than will fit. Mom had 2 strokes and decided to move into independent / assisted living facility. Been caring for her over a year. The problem is she wants to take more than will fit and she won't budge on reducing her needed items. she wants all 12 wine glasses for example she wants more furniture than will be comfortable overcrowding her little 1 bedroom small living room apt.. Besides the stress I go through from her constant picking on my wife verbally I've come to dislike her as she has changed so much and constantly negative and mean. I can't get it through her head she only has limited room for her things. I have sold my house and much stress in that alone by getting it empty by june 15. I feel like I'm loosing it and just want to run and never look back, but can't and won't. I'm so tired and fearful of telling her what reality is, she gets angry at me. I'm totally stressed out and lost 20 pounds from worry and stress. I don't know where to turn. I've talked to the very few friends she has for help they can only suggest but it goes in one ear out the other. I know the answer will not be here online But I just need to vent before I lose my mind. Feel like leaving the packing her house job to the movers instead of trying to save her money by helping myself. She is able to pay for it, I can only imagine what the movers would go through they would pack everything and attempt to unload a 3/2 house into a tiny 1/1 apt. Her reply when I tell her it's too much she says I'll just throw it away there then. No logic why pack it and pay to take it. I offered to yard sale all thats left to help but it like talking to a wall. Sometimes I wish I was never born. I have no brothers or sisters to help but a wonderful wife who does so much, but mother constantly abuses her verbally, I hate it.

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I can understand it is hard for her to give up the things she has saved for and collected through the years. If she can afford a storage unit you might get her to agree to put all the extras there for the time being. If she desperately wants an item it can be retrieved, but out of sight will probably soon become out of mind and they can be disposed of later.
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gesteiger426, not long ago I moved my Dad into an Independent Living, and what I did was create a floor plan on graph paper... then I measured the furniture that my Dad wanted to take and cut out small pieces to represent the furniture... then I arranged it on the graph paper. Boy was I surprised what would fit and not fit.

I wanted to keep my parent's bedroom set all together but it wouldn't all fit in the bedroom at IL.... I was able to place my late Mom's dresser in the living room as a large accent piece which works very well. I wanted to take all of my Dad's bookcases and it did work, but one bookcase did wind up in the walk-in closet but it's great for storing laundry products, extra toilet paper, etc. I had Dad narrow down his books. The standard joke was he went through 200 books and kept 199 :P

cwillie had a great idea about renting a storage place for the furniture that won't fit. My Dad's IL has such rental storage areas in the basement of the building. So check with your Mom's facility.

Tell Mom she can't throw away furniture once she gets there, the facility won't do that, it's not their job, nor will the mover. My Dad is donating furniture and "stuff" so he can get a nice tax write-off :)

Yes, use a mover especially one that has a senior division, these guys are experienced with moving elders and understand there could be glitches with what furniture goes or not.
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It sounds to me as though your mom, as a result of her strokes, may have some vascular dementia. It can rob one of the ability to reason well. Like, not be able to "see" that she won't need all 12 wine glasses, or that the furniture won't fit.

Yes, I would let the movers do the packing and the hauling away when she gets there. I would also get her to a geriatric psychiatrist for an evaluation of her overall mental condition. Her anger may be due to depression, anxiety, agitation, any and all of which may be improved with the correct meds.
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Been there! I was lucky in that my parents were only moving about 15 - 20 miles and we still had their house - which needed a lot of work to get ready to sell so we could store the extra there for a while. If your mother is anything like mine there will be no reasoning with her - she won't believe it until she sees it for herself. Since your mom can afford it, yes - hire movers, it will be worth it. Take the head mover aside and give him a heads up - it's likely they've dealt with something like this before. Have a storage unit already rented nearby to take the over-flow. If the movers handle the situation professionally and with tact - be prepared with a nice cash tip - from moms money. Where you might run into a problem is mom wanting to go to the storage unit frequently to visit her stuff and/or change things out, so be prepared with how often your willing to take her there and/or when it needs to stop. After a while as mom adjusts you can get rid of the stuff in storage - with or without her knowledge, you'll have to test the waters on that. My mom thought my brothers and I were giving her extra stuff to charity - but frankly, after all the family members took what they wanted - what was left ended up in a dumpster - sad, but my brothers weren't willing to make Goodwill runs and I had enough to do dealing with getting contractors to fix up the house and dealing with my parents adjusting to their new reality. As hard as this is for you - try to put yourself in your moms shoes. Moms entire life is being stripped away, reduced and moved. When in reality she probably just wishes things could have stayed as it was. In the end - you're lucky your able to get mom to move to a "retirement community" - so many parents won't go until after disaster has struck - and even then it's kicking and screaming.
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gesteiger426, this probably won't work but worth a try... have the movers bring a small truck, thus Mom can't take everything with her. Then you can tell Mom that anything she needs you can bring items the next time you visit. I did that with Dad. Mainly he forgot about most of the stuff but it was like Christmas when I did bring a box of things for him to go through :)

My Dad wanted to bring a set of 1936 and a set of 1960 old encyclopedias, and I tried to talk him out of it. We went around and around on that. Then I realized Dad did have enough space on his bookcases for those heavy books, so why not, if it made him happy. Thank goodness he didn't want to bring his huge workbench and all the tools... whew.

I was pretty much on my own, too [no siblings/no children] but had moved enough times myself to be logistical about the process. It's enough stress to make you want to bang your head on the wall a few times... those of us on the forums have our pretend helmets, with extra padding, to wear :)
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Oh, I wanted to also add that depending on how much control I could have over the move, I would likely have someone take mother in advance to stay at a hotel and then I would be at her place to supervise what the movers took to the new location. They'd take what I thought was necessary and able to fit into her new place. The rest, I'd store for a while. Once her place was filled, she could see that the things were all that would fit, but you still say, the other stuff wouldn't fit on the truck for that trip and you'll have to reschedule another haul later on. That day may never come.
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Cwillie's storage idea is what worked for my mom. Mom thought she would get well and retrieve her treasured belongings. Storage is easier to accept than a Goodwill donation. Compassion is what is needed now.
Helpful Answer (9)

Geststeiger I have just done a major suite of downsizing from moving into an already furnished 3 bedroom house with a one bedrooms flats worth of stuff to moving all of that into a 2 bedroom apartment so downsizing I understand in a big way. The problems you are facing are ingrained into your Mums psyche she will have lived through or seen the tail of the depression when every mouthful was fought for and nothing was discarded and she wont understand why she can't take them all - that the wont fit isn't reason enough.

We are lucky enough to have a garage but storage equates (except you have to pay for it!)

I spent many an afternoon dividing mums things into 5 piles.

The trash went out - anything broken torn chipped ripped went out (unless it had specific value like a torn photo that she cherished and a chipped mug that was her christening mug) So that pile was quite small because I had been doing that for a while without her knowledge

Donation of some sort to church charity.Now some stuff she would let go to the church jumble sale / donate to charity. Other stuff (like her 22 coats) she wouldn't part with one of them. Well that was like pulling hens teeth let me tell you

So then we divided the stuff that none could agree on into three piles

The I can't live without this on hand at all times pile

The I need this in case we have guests or I like this immensely pile and I certainly am not getting rid of any of it whatever you say

And finally the I want to keep this for no damned reason at all but I want to capisce?

When we got to a point where it wasn't going to fit in the apartment we got to the point where one of was going to shoot the other (and in the UK neither of us have guns just in case of concern) Battle lines were almost drawn. Then I decided on a different tack.

OK mum this is not going to fit in, no way no how unless I sit a dresser or a wardrobe on top of your bed! What I suggest is we put it into storage - that way if ever you want it we can get it back out. I will bag it all up in vacuum bags and store it for you. That way you still have it if you need it and you can have just what you absolutely need in the apartment

Then I bought 3 collage picture frames which was like 15 picture frames all stuck together and I put all her important pictures into them which freed up loads of shelf space. I made her wardrobe (a full room width sliding door wardrobe) into a sort of storage locker whereby I could put her stuff into boxes and just stack them into the frame with one double set of hanging space to one side for her clothes shirts above skirts as it were and one tiny long hanging space for the tall stuff like the ironing board and her long coats and dresses (yes she wanted those!)

It was probably the most frustrating thing I ever had to do but three months on we are all still alive, she hasn't once asked for anything from the garage and is relatively content (as content as she ever would be) about what is near to her. I find having chests of drawers nearby and floating shelves means she can see and touch her treasures and while they have little or no meaning to us they will for her.

As for her behaviour, repeat after me it her age and her illness and repeat it as a mantra - it wont always work and I have to say my daughter and I have been known to walk out of the room and say to each other its her effing illness and her effing age then grin and smile. As for rudeness - don't engage - walk away and tell your lovely wife to do the same. Just stand and say I don't find that acceptable I am leaving now and go.
Helpful Answer (9)

Have Mom pay movers. Do not have your mother witness the move day activities first hand. Storage for all items that won't fit into her 1/1 apartment. NeuroPsych evaluation. Let your wife excuse herself from this abusive relationship. Take care of yourself with rest & relaxation because your mother needs your support for the long haul. Set boundaries and stick to them and take comfort in knowing you are doing all that any loving son can to make this difficult time in her life as pleasant as possible. Your mother's adjustment to Assisted Living will take time but eventually the stress level will diminish.
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PhoenixDaughter - I had to smile when I read "22 coats". Seven years ago my family moved from the house I had lived in for 20 years. I knew it was time to really cut back my wardrobe - I had "retired" eight years earlier and never wore any of my "professional" stuff anymore. Well, - over a dozen pair of black slacks and almost as many black blazers- a no, black wasn't a required job uniform. Cotton, linen, wool, silk, rayon, blends - cuffed, straight leg, flared leg, pockets, no pockets, - pleated, flat front, side zip, back zip. Size 6 through size 16 and every size in between. I honestly had no idea I had accumulated so many! Even when we moved I kept a "variety" for "just in case". Know how many times I've worn any of them since then? That's right - not once! How does this happen? Guess it's time to sort my wardrobe again!
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