Got mother to like moving to a independent living place. It's 5 hrs away packing her 3 bedroom home shes taking more than will fit. Mom had 2 strokes and decided to move into independent / assisted living facility. Been caring for her over a year. The problem is she wants to take more than will fit and she won't budge on reducing her needed items. she wants all 12 wine glasses for example she wants more furniture than will be comfortable overcrowding her little 1 bedroom small living room apt.. Besides the stress I go through from her constant picking on my wife verbally I've come to dislike her as she has changed so much and constantly negative and mean. I can't get it through her head she only has limited room for her things. I have sold my house and much stress in that alone by getting it empty by june 15. I feel like I'm loosing it and just want to run and never look back, but can't and won't. I'm so tired and fearful of telling her what reality is, she gets angry at me. I'm totally stressed out and lost 20 pounds from worry and stress. I don't know where to turn. I've talked to the very few friends she has for help they can only suggest but it goes in one ear out the other. I know the answer will not be here online But I just need to vent before I lose my mind. Feel like leaving the packing her house job to the movers instead of trying to save her money by helping myself. She is able to pay for it, I can only imagine what the movers would go through they would pack everything and attempt to unload a 3/2 house into a tiny 1/1 apt. Her reply when I tell her it's too much she says I'll just throw it away there then. No logic why pack it and pay to take it. I offered to yard sale all thats left to help but it like talking to a wall. Sometimes I wish I was never born. I have no brothers or sisters to help but a wonderful wife who does so much, but mother constantly abuses her verbally, I hate it.
This approach is what I used when I took care of my own mother with severe macular degeneration, heart problems, severe osteo- porosis, and late stage Parkinson's disease, and fear of so many things and situations, at the same time as caring for a father who had severe symptoms of atherosclerosis, and lung cancer... Taking a deep breath and reminding myself that they are patients... allowed me to ignore their behaviour and pay more attention to their care aspects... In your case I would follow that moving truck with an empty truck on moving day... and load all items into it that, which she finds that she cannot keep in the new place. or just arrange for a locker in shich the moving men can store the left overs. Give her the chance to see what fits and what does not... and she may be very grateful to you when you say: I'll take the things and store them for you... Give her the chance to get used to the new place with fewer items and a few weeks later she may agree to dispose of most of what does not fit in her life anymore... Folks of that age group often get rude from fear.. a fear they really do not want to admit to... so learn to ignore...and learn to provide other ways ... learn to joke and wonder what you would feel or fear after 2 strokes... the last few years are the hardest to manage emotionally as death does stare into their faces... !!! .... I wish you well !!!
And there are veterans organizations out there who would love to have the used furniture and other items. I know, I researched this subject. And when you plan what to take above the basic necessities, try to pick one or two items that are dear to her that could fit into the room. Also be sure to include paintings and things of that nature.
gesteiger426 It sounds like she might be willing to go that way if you catch her in the right mood and point out how much the young ones would 'appreciate' her beautiful things since vintage is so "in" now. Depending on how much damage the two strokes did to her temper, it may be worth a try.
Oh, and FYI gesteiger426: If you do hire a moving company, you should ask them ahead of time while you're getting their estimates about a 'split delivery'...i.e. they deliver one part of the things/boxes to your mother's appartment and the rest to a second location, storage unit or whatever. I did that once and it's only slightly more expensive and saved me a world of headache. And it sure sounds like your sanity could use the extra time to sort and weed out once your mother is settled in to her new place.
Good Luck!
I told him: "Look, I asked you 6 yrs. ago to PLEASE go thru your things.........and no, you haven't. When you are gone, I will have a garage sale and sell everything for a QUARTER a piece". And walked away.
Well..............reverse psychology works! YEP! He has been going thru his stuff, buckets, loads, boxes, bins, yeah, uuuggghhhh, and he is throwing away a lot that has just decomposed from being there so long..............wire that is no good, nuts that rusted, the roof of the shop leaked and wet e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g
inside, so he is going thru the SAD realization that it has all rusted.
Better him than ME!
He knows what works and what does not. He does not have memory issues, but had a quintuple heart bypass 6 yrs. ago.
But getting up in years..........
I am glad I did not have to repeat how I feel to him about his tools? or what's left of them?, plus taking care of clingy loving cute as a button Mom. She is not mean, not abusive, not name calling, no hatred..........just the opposite, and wants me to sit in the same room my entire life ............. Anyway, I agree with MKathleen about NOT wanting to clean out my hubby's garage. NO!
M 8 8
I think Dad would have been happy with a cot, and cinder blocks/boards for his bookcases. Dad could care less about the knick knacks Mom had around the house, nor the dollies [ton of them]. He did miss his tools, so I got one of Dad's old toolboxes and put in some tools from his workshop... just knowing the toolbox is in the closet makes him happy [hopefully he won't mess with the water heater and furnace which is in a closet in his apartment] :P
Once your mother is installed in her new place, try to avoid any compulsion to visit her too frequently. Her negative attitude will not go away - maybe just get worse with age. Accept it and move on - she used to be your loving mother, she is a different person today, but feeling insecure under the outer nastiness. Don't empathise too much but allow her time to get used to her new shoebox. Don't listen to her when she complains, or nod wisely and pretend she is speaking to you in Chinese.
You will soon learn how to develop self-defence mechanisms. Just look on this move as a car crash waiting to happen, but when it's over, that will be it for hopefully a long time, until she has to be moved to 24/7 nursing care. Good luck - you have good wishes from all other correspondents on this board. If anybody criticises you for your negative thoughts or tell you "you should be trying harder to understand her point of view", then that person has not been through what you are going through, and so has no right to criticise you.
Let us know how you get on.
Come back and vent as much as you want to.
We also had an ESTATE SALE for the rest of her items. This worked out well and my Mom made some money on her items.
Now that she is moved in and settled, she isn't missing any of her "stuff". But the process was painful - if you can recreate her house in her new place using favorite items of furniture and furnishings, that may help her acclimate.
Guess what? She STILL took too much and I have already been at her condo packing up things to take to Goodwill.
It wasn't a perfect move, but thankfully she's safe in her condo. NOw if we could just get her house to sell :)
FreqFlyer, making a "map", to scale, and see what furniture would fit! Genius!
For us moving mom was different. Her whole life, clothing, shoes, all the things in a house, needed to fit, "fit" into 2 suitcases. Her books, dictionaries, sewing machine, ...................
Brough her jewelry box, custom made, sits on her nightstand, oil paintings she painted are on her bedroom wall, her full size towel, doilies, some Murano glass pieces. I grabbed some kitchen spoons and a potato peeler.
I set the 2 suitcases on the bed, and put in the jewelry box. Said "mom", please fill these with the clothes you cannot live without. I went downstairs.
She did what she could, and the dementia wasn't what it's now.
Gotta do what you gotta do. We flew back, and she stared at the blue skies and fluffy clouds. She was very quiet ....
5 years have passed, and she doesn't ask for anything she left behind. I am sure, she's forgotten. I haven't, but that's okay.
M88
I hired a senior move manager to help with figuring out what to take and what to leave, and we just told Mom that we were taking essentials now and could come back for anything we missed. To help her with the transition we recreated the space she spent the most time in, the tv room, in her new apartment, with the recliner, the entertainment center, bric-a brac and even pictures all in the same positions they'd been in before. Mom also had an enormous collection of antique toys (so big that my parents had added a room onto the house to display them all!) so I chose one bookcase full of her most cherished pieces for her to keep in her new apartment and put the rest in storage. She doesn't even miss them.
If it's an option, don't try to clean out the entire house while she's still living there; we were fortunate that we were able to keep the house as is, just got Mom moved out as quickly as possible, and we are going back this summer to finish the clean out and sell the house. I needed a year to recuperate... ;-)
If you do hire a senior move manager, make sure you get references. The really good ones are worth every penny. They are trained in helping YOU get through this as well, and can act as a buffer to avoid the fights that inevitably arise in these situations. And do hire movers if she can afford it! Again, worth every penny.
Keep your chin up; you are in the worst of it now, but eventually it will all work itself out and you, your wife, and your mom will be ok !
It's obviously a pretty common problem.
So every week Mom gives me a new plastic bag of things she wants to get rid of so she can have the fun of picking a new or better item that suits her new place. I've done the same thing too.
I have better clothes, look more "put together", feel confident, enjoy going into my closet, feel less attached to things, and we have found small items that are in better condition than old, unused things that we have clung to.
Savers has taught us that you can have what you need and that it feels fantastic to give things away. The little discounts make us feel great and Mom and I enjoy sharing our little joys of discovery. I enjoy going there because she has finally learned to look on her own instead of feeling she has to involve me in her every move. She has learned to enjoy being independent rather than needy or bossy.
Yesterday I found some cute boxes to store shoes in. I took them home, washed them and then reorganized my stacks of photos. I was able to toss out old, dusty boxes that were falling apart.
I also found a lightweight, new looking laundry hamper. Will return my cumbersome on to Saver's tomorrow.
We have a rule: for everything you bring home from Saver's, find a bag of things to donate. Goodwill, and other type of stores will work the same way.
Just remember: be here now and "you can't take it with you." :)
DITTO here!! Almost a year in and still going. Keep at it! Found a couple books that really help (WHAT a big industry that is). To all you ziploc 'haters,' I'm embarrassed, I wash out those too, lol. I found compostable bags and am using those now instead. :)