My mother in law who has alzheimers and dementia (and her dog) moved in with my husband and I about 10 months ago. She was living with her longtime partner but he passed away.
It was either a NH or our home at that point. She is unable to cook or even remember to eat as well as keeping herself safe. When my sister in law came to us about moving ML in to our home, both my HB and I made the decision to have her move in. At this point, I had no idea how it would affect us.
ML has severe alzh and dementia, she needs 24/7 care. She needs help with everything except using the bathroom, and cannot be left alone. She recently started having BM accidents and chokes on her food sometimes. ML gets easily confused, asks the same questions or tells the same story over and over all day long. I am her main caregiver because I work from home. I take care of all of her needs (HB has started helping more on his days off but this just recently changed. She has in home care set up with her grand daughter who has been helpful. She helps her shower every other day and keeps her on Fridays for a few hours every week but also has a full time job so her ability to help during the week or weekends is limited). My SL also recently started taking ML during the day on weekends. We have ML Mon-Thurs full time and evenings/ nights the rest of the week.
I feel like my life has completely changed and is starting to affect my relationship with my HB.
MIL hates me. She doesn't hate me as much when my HB is at work or gone. When HB is home, she sticks to his side at all times. I cannot have a conversation with HB in front of ML because she gets agitated (if looks could kill, I'd be dead). She is rude to me and treats me like sh*t. She has cussed at me, tells me this is her house (she thinks we moved in with her) and has constantly told me to get the f**k out of her house. When my HB is not home, she can be sweet and is not as rude to me so I understand it is a jealousy thing.
We have had to watch what we do or say in front of her to avoid putting her in a bad mood. Little things that we use to do such as giving my HB a kiss goodbye when he leaves or comes home, sitting next to each other at the dinner table, watching a movie together in the living room, having a conversation are all things we can't do anymore because it makes ML angry. Being able to go to the grocery store or appts. for my self and kids without having someone watch ML are things I can't do anymore. I sound selfish but those are all things that are important to me and I feel like it is affecting our relationship.
I have talked with my HB several times about how I feel but last night, I told him I am done. I am mentally exhausted. I can't do it anymore. A couple of weeks ago she complained and criticized our dinner and said how s****y it was for the entire time that we ate because she knew I made dinner and my HB sat next to me. For 30 to 45 minutes I had to listen to how horrible my food was (even though she ate it all). I lost it! Got up and said "better than nursing home food" this went right over her head and she forgot I even said that 5 seconds later but I know it hurt my HB and I feel terrible about it (for him). This is not who I am or who I want to be. I usually just take her words and try to not let it bother me but lately I feel like I've had enough.
HB does not think ML is ready to be in a NH and thinks I need help. ML is helpless. He says I should block everything she says and let it go because she has a disease and this is temporary. He is not forcing me to keep taking care of her but he is definitely making me feel guilty for saying I can't do it anymore. His solution is to hire someone to come in and take care of her while he is at work. This would help but it wouldn't change the way she treats me or give us back our "normal life". Also, before ML moved in, we saw her no more than 1 or 2 times per year so I am a complete stranger to her and I never had a relationship with her. Please help.
You cannot live like this, where you can’t even enjoy a meal or a movie or even a kiss with your spouse without abuse. She has to go into whichever type of facility is appropriate for her. She cannot be there with you any longer. Once that’s squared away, you can assess whether your marriage is salvageable.
My husband cares for his extremely difficult mother with dementia one 24 hr. period in a month, and we keep her for several hours every Sunday. She has a full time care giver hired by the family and this dear woman gets 1 day/night off per week. The adult siblings take their turn with their 24 shift.
My MIL was rarely kind to me over the last 40 yrs. I’ve known her. She was all about her 2 daughters and I was the “enemy” and rarely included. Now, my SIL’s expect me to help out. My loving husband has told me, “No, this isn’t your responsibility...especially in light of her mean spirited behavior toward you over the years.”
I wouldn’t think twice of placing her in a nursing home. She had her chance to live her life the way she wanted. Just because someone has dementia, doesn’t mean there’s a universal rule that it should ruin the adult children’s lives.
If your husband’s disagrees, and he puts his mother above you...then this issue is a marriage issue that needs to be addressed.
While MIL is elsewhere make the trips to find her placement, maybe two options and let your husband choose between the two options you present. Or better yet invite your husband to join you, if he doesn’t go along then make the decision yourself. Be certain to ask what evaluations and documentation each facility requires for placement.
I’m sorry to say this but your husband is the problem not your MIL. As long as you continue to take care of his mother he will let you, he is not wanting to make things change for your well being or that of your marriage. He has made his choice and you will have to make yours.
I’ll assume you will get her moved out, then you and your husband will need to get some counseling to repair your marriage. He has chosen his mother, it is painful and you deserve so much better. Be strong. Be brave. You can take charge of your life.
Does she see a doctor? She/he should be able to make informed recommendations.
And a person with this disease cannot be reasoned with, cannot be expected to take others' feelings into consideration, cannot be expected to remember what was said 5 minutes ago. A person with this disease can become verbally abusive, physically abusive, and exhaust everyone around them with their care needs.
But you and your husband don't have the disease. You have the responsibility of keeping yourselves healthy and sane while providing your MIL with the level of support she requires. This does not mean you are the ones who have to directly provide that care. And, from what you posted, she requires a level of care that is way beyond the scope of what you, your husband or extended can emotionally and physically provide.
It's time to step back and disengage from the emotional aspect for a moment so you can make some decisions. Regardless of where she is, your MIL requires full-time care from someone other than you. Whatever that looks like, from moving her to your SIL's or her grand-daughter's, or hiring 24/7 in-home care that is separate in all ways from what you and your husband do in your own lives (like meals, sitting together, etc.), or moving her to a memory care facility.
Who has your MIL's powers of attorney? If no one has established this, it's time to do so. And it's time to take charge of your lives, even if your husband isn't with you on this.
and I don’t think your hubby has a clue what 24/7 in home care costs which is much more than memory care where there are trained caregivers. She could live many more years I hope you know
talk to a lawyer too.
Your priorities are: 1. Your wife, 2. Your kids, 3. Your mother.
Your wife took no vows regarding your mother so get over any notion she is obligated to care for her. She is not.
Stand up for your wife to your mother, find a nice AL facility near by where you can visit her. Get the staff to give her a tour. Visit the actual room where she will be living. After the tour, back at home, tell her that was her room and it’s a done deal. Let the battle begin, listen to her but don’t weaken. This is for your wife, you can do it. Then move her to the facility and walk away for a week before you visit. When she tells you she won’t stay there, tell her she is free to go anywhere but your house. It’s what’s best for everybody. Just do it.
Your husband needs to consider that this is HIS mother, not yours. How would he feel if the situation was reversed? Could he cope with looking after and putting up with the restrictions and the hostility, would he care for your mother during the day; even though she proved to be manipulative and hostile as soon as you appeared?
The hostility is not easy to live with but much easier to dismiss if it is levelled at somebody else. I have seen this several times with mental health issues. The objectivity is maintained until it becomes personal! We know your MIL can't help it but her hostility is real. This often develops into violence as the condition worsens, starting with poking or swatting away a hand but progressing to slapping etc. You have identified she has feelings of aggression, don't wait for the next step.
In my opinion she is in need of a NH in her and your own best interests.
Good luck!
Dealing her mom would be easy compared to taking on another man that was decidedly taking over the head of household role in his mind.
I wonder if he would just stand by while his wife was physically abused by her dad and treated like she was his wife? All with 4 sets of young eyes watching that dad is verbally, emotionally and mentally abused by grandpa while mom says, suck it up and take it like a man, further abusing him and if that is not enough they get to see what domestic violence looks like while grandpa slaps mom around.
I think that someone should call child protective services (department of child services) and get these kids on the radar if their dad is going to continue to subject his family to the abuse of his mom. They need to be protected and it seems if he isn't going to do it.
I don't know if I could stay with a male that is more worried about what others will think than protecting his family. I just couldn't respect him or trust him if he didn't do the right thing with this situation.
Sorry, its just that when i come across stories like this, it makes me so angry and sad, cuz this isn't how marriage works, and being a caregiver is a really difficult thing to do without sacrificing giving up some things that make you happy and its not fair, and happy couples can get destroyed in the process if theres not a mutual support within that couple.
We all love our parents(their generally the ones mostly needing caregivers), and someone elses parents too, but when it comes to caring for them, its just really hard and making decisions on someone elses behalf, and dealing with their stuff along with your own, it dont seem like your husband has a clue. He should, he needs to, thats his mother he's brushing off on you to deal with, and if she has alz, and he saysyou should take that into consideration, why dont he? When she walks away and can't be found, whose he gonna blame, she falls and breaks something, whoes fault will it be?yours, so unless your prepaired to be buried in guilt, it's time you decide or your husband does and will, is it you or his mother...time waits for no one.
Pray about it, God will not take you where He cannot sustain you.
Ill keep you in my prayers, God Bless You
I have had MY OWN MOTHER with me since 6/2018 and I am going nuts!!!!!!
No ALZ yet, but the dementia is getting worse!!!!!!
It is 24/7 and I have ZERO help.......
Mine does absolutely nothing!!!!!!!!
Now, she won’t even get dressed!!!!!!
Just pushes her Walker from bedroom to sunroom and back!
WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!!!
I am retired and this is DEFINITELY NOT, how I want to live my life!!!!!!
If he refuses to change, your next step is to move out temporarily, and leave him to cope (which is pretty much what he is doing to you are present). It may be the only way to get him to see the real situation. If he doesn’t like you taking it down to the wire, you can always tell him to ‘get over it’. Is there anywhere you can go with the kids? Can SIL help for a week or so if she understand what’s going on? Just remember that if you do move out either temporarily or permanently, he WILL have to change either his life or MIL’s life.
Not sure if there is a resemblance, but it's very possible your MIL's brain is somewhere in the past and your husband looks like a younger version of husband at a time she remembers. Some dementia patients, for whatever reason, seem to think other women/men are after their spouse. They can tell some pretty far fetched stories about what they saw spouse and 'other woman' doing right before their eyes. If her mind sometimes thinks it's hubby, she may think you're trying to get her man. She might also remember your husband with a very early girlfriend and thinks you're trying to come in between them.