Mom is 93 years old with dementia. She doesn’t really know how to use her phone. She can only call me, she doesn’t hold it up to her ear or anything. She just talks out loud. I know that she unintentionally leaves messages, but they’re starting to be disturbing ones. For example, she left a message stating that she felt that she was going “crazy” and that she’s “losing her mind.” I’ve been taking care of my mom for 22 years. She was difficult before the dementia and Alzheimer’s and placed a lot of guilt trips on me her only child…My health has deteriorated and I really can’t deal with the emotional distress, it causes me every time she says that she “wants to die” or that she “thinks she’s dying” or that she’s “losing her mind.” I’ve opted to block her calls and let them go to voicemail, and I hate the guilt that I feel…I do care and love her, but I’m depleted and I figure if it was something of an urgent nature the facility would call me directly. I’ve also stopped visiting her as often as it makes me extremely upset and I’ve had to start taking medication for anxiety and depression because how bad my life has become… Your thoughts and any advice would be greatly appreciated. Wishing you all, the best.
If Mom is not on anxiety meds, I would talk to her doctor to see if she could be placed on something.
You need a break. As Burnt said, the facility should only be calling you in case of emergency. That would be a fall, by law they have to call, or a trip to the hospital. You should not be called because Mom is acting out. Thats the staff's responsibility to handle. Now Mom is in a NH, all you need to do is visit when you want for as long as you want. If your visits tend to agitate her, go less. She is now safe and cared for. All her needs are met. They do her laundry. They provide her toiletries, prescriptions and Depends. Clothing, you can buy with her Personnal Needs Acct if she is on Medicaid.
When my Mom went into LTC, a weight was taken off my shoulders. Take some time for yourself. Get out of town. You have done enough. Now its time for you.
I agree with everything you said except the part about taking the phone away and telling the mother she lost it. That's not right. She already has Alzheimer's and is losing her mind, she doesn't need something to fixate on and get in a loop about like where her phone went.
The OP can block her number and that will prevent any messages being left too.
Only, I don't go for it. I stopped engaging with this dysfunctional nonsense a long time ago. It is impossible for anyone to guilt-trip me about something when I know I've done nothing wrong. It took a lot of work for me to get to that.
You have to protect your own mental health. Block her number. See what the staff thinks about taking her phone away. Not having it may cause her to become even more hysterical. Your visits should be only when you feel up to it and only for however long you want to stay. You know none of this is your fault, but sometimes we all need someone to tell us.
None of this is your fault. You did nothing wrong and have nothing to feel guilty about.
Even if you picked up every call and listened to your mother's hysterics every time, it would not do any good. In fact, if she is aware that she has your attention she will probably make herself even more upset.
How about if you ask the facility to medicate your mother? To try her on an anti-anxiety agent like lorazepam or xanax as needed.
Block her number. Don't even let these calls go to your voicemail. Call the facility when you want to talk to her.
Also, ask one of the staff who interacts with your mother regularly how she's getting on in the facility. Or send someone in to visit and observe. Your mother may be doing very well where she is. The crying and hysterics may only be for you. I have seen this play out many times because I was a homecare caregiver for 25 years and an AL staff supervisor.
If your mother is currently living alone it sounds as though she needs assessment and placement. Abandonment cannot, in such a situation be the answer. If you are unable to function to have her assessed and placed then you need to refer her to the agencies that are there to take guardianship of such a helpless elder. Off hand that would be APS.
IF, however you are speaking of a mom who IS already in placement, and is calling from there, then quite honestly that phone needs now to be removed from her, as her dementia is too advanced for her to be in control of it. Short of that, yes, blocking the number until she understands that the device in her hand is no longer reaching anyone is the correct answer; do let the facility know you have done that. Visit as you are able.
Good luck.
Why do those things bother you, when your mom is only speaking her truth?
To me it sounds like perhaps you're just having a hard time because you know that you've already lost your mom and you are now in the throes of grieving.
So might I suggest that you seek out a good grief counselor or grief support group. Grief Share is a free support group that every city offers throughout the year so perhaps start there.
Best wishes in now taking care of yourself and learning how to deal with your grief.
These things would bother any human being who isn't completely heartless. That's why it's important to protect your mental health. When you're listening to crying and hysterics all the time you will lose your mind. Especially when it's someone you love.
I got to the point in my work where I just couldn't take another moment of dementia, hysterics, gloom and doom, orneriness, agitation or elder-panic. These were just clients I was being paid to professionally care for. They weren't friends or family so I had no emotional investment in them. I went home and back to my own life when my shift was finished.
Yet, I could not take one more day of it. I could not take one more second of it.
So yes, it bothers a person and it's bothering the OP. She has to put her own mental health first. The mother is being taken care of in the facility.
You didn't cause the problems and you can't solve them. They are what they are. I would opt to get rid of her phone since she's forgetting how to use it anyway.
Also, is she on any meds for her anxiety? If not, I would explore this with her primary doctor. If she is on meds, then they need to be reassessed since this is something that can change.
Please don't feel guilty -- there's nothing more that can be done to make your Mom's life "better" now. She's housed, fed, healthy -- that's all she needs from life going forward. She also has an awesome daughter who cares (too much). This is more than many elders have at that age. Be good to yourself and move forward and have a great life!
(p.s. I'm an only child also. Been there, still doing that.)
Talk to the staff about getting her better medicated to control her moods. They have doctors and/or nurse practitioners who can evaluate and prescribe a medication or a combination to calm her anxiety.
Due to her dysfunctional parenting, you are a trigger for her worst behavior. THAT IS HER FAULT, NOT YOURS. But it is what it is. Cut way back on the visits, and on the length of them when you do visit. See it as part of keeping her calm. This is more common than you think in dementia facilities, that family members have to limit visits with some patients because of the agitation it causes, even sometimes with very loving relationships. This might improve if they are able to get her calmed with medications, but give it time to see if that happens.
I read your profile; you've given 40% of your life to caregiving for your mother. She is safe now and getting care from professionals. Now focus on taking care of yourself and rebuilding your life, with no guilt.
The mother's dysfunctional parenting made her daughter the trigger for this behavior and it's not the OP's fault. Well said.
Take your own life back while you are young. You are doing the right thing by focusing on your own health. I wish you strength and future happiness that you deserve.