I’m so tired I can’t hardly write this. I care for my mom who has Alzheimer’s. I also work two at home jobs and care for a 7 yr old grandson. It seems my mom never goes to sleep. She catnaps maybe 3 times during the day for no more than an hour each time. During the night she only sleeps two hours then up again. I have to stay up with her otherwise I discover things in toilet, water running, trash can has been dumped on floor, cookies everywhere, and a host of other things. I find myself getting upset with her because she hallucinates all day. She NEVER HAS A POSITIVE THOUGHT! recently she started accusing me of allowing men to rape her and if we have visitors she tells them. I’m scared to take her to church for what she may say. She has gotten to a stage where I don’t see my mom in her anymore it hurts so bad. It’s affecting my mental health. Most times I think I’m going crazy. I don’t know what to do. I always vowed I would never put my parents in a facility. But I feel so bad and guilty because I want to do it to save me. I feel selfish. I need help. I have siblings but only one comes to help on weekends. My other siblings can kick rocks. I want to fight them because they wont even call her. It’s crazy because my mom has ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR ALL FOUR KID. My mom has even raised all 3 of my brothers kids and they won’t call. My youngest sister had her husband call me the other day asking what I’m going to do with my mom house and can they buy it. Hell no!! Yall already concerned about her house and she still here. Luckily I’m too tired to fight because I truly wanted to come through the phone and beat both they ass. whoever read this and you believe in God pray for me to make the right decisions and help doctors to find correct medications to help my mom function with her illness better than she doing.
thanks for reading
Also, why would you not sell your mother’s house? She will never live in it again and you need the money to pay for help to care for her.
You do not need a Nurse to come in and watch, care for mom. A caregiver would be fine and if mom does not need "hands on care" then a "companion sitter" might be alright. Save the more expensive caregivers for when that higher level of care is needed.
My husband is in memory care, and I just got home from lunch with him. I wish you could have seen how much he and other residents enjoy interacting with each other. Such a place is not perfect, but it is a whole lot better than solo care at home from an exhausted adult child who hasn't been trained in caregiving. Socialization with others makes such a difference to the patient.
You need to change your mind before you can change your life.
And the sooner you address these issues which yes will include having your mom placed in the appropriate facility nothing will change.
You and I both know that if your mom was in her right mind that she would NEVER want you having to do her hands on care and risking your mental and physical health. Just like you would never want your children to have to take care of you either I'm sure.
I am a believer in God and I will most certainly say a prayer for you, although I do know that God expects us to do our part as well, and your part now I believe is finding the right facility to have your mom placed in so you can get back to just being her daughter and advocate and not her burned out and overwhelmed caregiver.
So I will pray for God to give you wisdom and discernment in this difficult situation as your children and grandchildren deserve so much better.
No need to feel guilty for getting mom the 24/7 care she needs. At the rate you’re going, you’ll die before she does.
Are you talking about payingvan RN to come in to help? This will be very expensive. My daughter makes $50 an hr in a NH. Even an LPN will be expensive. People usually hire CNAs or HHAs to care for LOs.
You do have too much on your plate. Best thing would be to sell the house for her care, when the money is almost gone, apply for Medicaid.
The 7 yr old, should be in school most of the time and old enough to keep themselves busy.
There is nothing for that but getting some of the stuff scraped off the plate.
Start with the siblings and any thought of their being a comfort or help; you already know you cannot change others, so don't waste time thinking about them. Pretend you are the only child.
You have some hard decisions ahead. You cannot do all you are requiring of yourself. Your mom may need now to enter care; she requires not just one 24/7 caregiver, but a team of several shifts of several people each.
Please seek some help in making a decision here to help yourself. You are not a Saint but a human with limitations. This isn't doable. If you are a believer, you may want to discuss this situation with your pastor.
I can't know what circumstance has also put you in charge of a grandchild, but you may need to accept you cannot both care for a little one and an elder in these circumstances.
A vow made to your yourself or LO when you have no other responsibility is one thing.
A vow made to yourself when it does not effect your mental health is one thing.
If you are determined to keep mom at home you have options.
Discuss with her doctor medications that will help her sleep. there are problems with them, They WILL make her a fall risk.
You can hire caregivers that will help you. Mom's assets should pay for the caregivers. If mom is not living in the house sell the house for FAIR MARKET VALUE to whoever wants to buy it if that is a sibling so be it. Use the money to pay for caregivers or the ability to place mom in a Memory Care facility.
Making the very difficult decision to place someone in a facility that can meet their care needs is never easy. But if you are wanting to make a decision that is in their best interest that might be what you have to do.
In a facility, in your mom's case Memory Care she WILL get someone there 24/7 that will help her.
I agree with Daughterof1930: your Mom would never want this for you. Transitioning your Mom into a facility isn't a failure. A failure would be what's happening now.
My MIL was in a faith-based LTC facility on Medicaid and got excellent care and attention. There are solutions for you, but you must accept them as solutions. YOu should give up babysitting for the 7-yr old for a while because YOU need a break -- a long break -- and time to get the house on the market. Don't let your siblings' expectations of a "good deal" on a house dictate decisions in this situation. If anyone complains about whatever solution you ultimately choose, tell them to come and get your Mom to live with them. This will shut them up.
However: if you are not your Mom's PoA then you will need a different solution. Are you her PoA? If not, are one of your siblings her PoA? This info would be helpful.
I began my morning searching for a nurse to come in during the day.
Currently not caring for my grandson is not an option. My son is a marine and overseas. My grandson's mother dropped him off two months ago and left. I could not contact my son except at Christmas, but I could not bring myself to tell him. My grandson's mother calls, but I don't know where she is. She recently lost her mom, months later, her sister, and most recently, her grandma, so I think she just mentally checked out. My son and she broke up years ago.
Each day, I look for a glimpse of her. Occasionally, I find it, but it’s only for a moment. It hurts so much! I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, not even someone I don't like.
Growing up, I was a daddy's girl. We lost my dad in 2021, and I think the fear of losing my mom, too, keeps me holding on, telling myself I can manage this. But I promise I’m going to find help!