My father-in-law is in the end stages of emphysema/copd,as well as some dementia that could be related to alcoholism.
He has just arrived home from a three week stay at a physical rehab., facility ( nursing home too ) and before that he spent two weeks in the hospital, due to a severe infection in his lung.
While at the rehab. center he was doing so good. He looked better than I have ever seen him look, was clean and seemed happy. He was suppose to stay an additional three weeks longer, but for some reason decidied he wanted to come home early. ( I believe he was doing so good because he was not drinking alcohol).
Currently he is receiving in home care ( physical therapy and a nurses aid to help bathe him ), but that will only last for a limited time, maybe three weeks. My concern is, because I know him so well, that he will stop doing any type of exercise/moving and slip back into his deplorable lack of hygiene as well as continue to drink more. He finally agreed to allow a hospice rep., to speak to him, to continue some care at home.
His doctors and our friends feel he should be in a nursing home. so does my husband, when he slips back. What do you do if a parent refuses to go? I have made it very aware and known, that I CANNOT take care of him when he can know longer get out of bed and have some level of independance ( mainly using the bathroom and keeping clean).
What are the steps if a parent refuses to go into a nursing home? He is not able to even be in a ssisted living because he demands so much care,

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I am providing all of his care, as far as meals, laundry, errands, paying bills, and all of the cleaning and companionship.
My husband has offered many times to help him with his bathing and changing and he just outright refuses any help. The in home care has ended and now we are waiting for the Primary care doc., to complete the paper work for hospice.
Currently, my father-in-law is wearing the same urine stained pants and now he has some fecal matter in his pants, and absolutley REFUSES to get up and change. I cannot even change his linens as he refuses to sit anywhere other than his bed ( which is in the livingroom). I am really getting depressed again.
We just found out that his credit score is too bad to even get financing to replace the central air unit that is not working( his home) We did finally convince him to allow us to put in a window unit, after he sat in a very hot room for two weeks.
He is drinking more than a quart of whiskey a week and seems to be getting more confused ( severe copd/emphysema/final stage ). And he looks terrible, dirty and miserable. I am at my witts end and all I can do is pray that I can get some help soon.
I have tried everything under the sun to get him to stay clean and changed in clean clothing. I tried to explain to him about anxiety issues involved with lung disease and that by some medication it will help. He denies that ANYTHING is even wrong with him, other than his lungs. He keeps insisting that he has mesothelioma ( has had more than three different opinons from docs.,) but that now it's better. He is suppose to do some very mild stretching and walking with his walker ( again, refuses to use walker ) everyday. He is getting much worse.
I know he will fall soon, as he has come really close many times, but then again, will not use walker.
I spend a lot of time saying to myself......if only.......which does no good. I can understand that someone is tired and ready to die, although hard to face, it is enevitable to us all. I have been through old age with my grandmother is cancer with my mother, and I do not ever remember it being this hard. He has a very unhealthy way of looking at things which is denial. We talk about depression, which he denies. I swear I think he just wants to sit in his own filth and drink everyday and have the entire world feel sorry for him.
Sorry to ramble on.
I know that we will just have to do it against his wishes. My husband has full POA and knows and understands what I will not do.
A plan seems to be in order and soon.
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He is home with you now, is that correct? And hospice will be providing some support there. Even though you don't feel it is the best choice you are willing to have him there for now. If he becomes bedbound and/or canot manage his own toilet needs then you want him to be cared for elsewhere. Have I understood this correctly?

It will be easiest if you have a contingency plan in place. Is there a Hospice House he could be moved to? Discuss with the hospice staff. What nursing home would you want him in? How would that be paid for? Do they have short-notice availability or a waiting list?

You have made your wishes known. Is your husband supportive? Will he move his father to NH or Hospice House when the time comes?
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How is he getting back "home"?

If you are DPOA & MPOA you can place him in a NH, NH deal with this all the time.You will have to private pay (hopefully he has assets/income to do this) until he can qualify for Medicaid. It's probably easiest if he is discharged from the hospital to the rehab/NH and he stays there. You just do not pick him up to come back. If he leaves AMA, then you can use this in having him declared incompetent.

If he has refused to stay in the NH and he can't function on his own and you do not have DPOA & MPOA, then you are kinda left with no choice but to have him declared incompetent and you become his guardian or conservator. You need an attorney to do this, really.

Just out of curiosity, this is your FIL, correct? Who is providing & helping with his daily care? Is he paying for caregivers? Is it all you for everything done?
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