Follow
Share

My horrible nephews put my sister into a nursing home, they live 1,000 miles away, I take care of my elderly mother who needs 24 hour supervision and attention so I cannot, sadly, care for 2 ill people, if I could I would. I had begged my nephews not to put their Mom away and instead come here and we could all take turns caring for her and my mother, I obviously would still care constantly for my mother, but on occasion I could care for my sister as well as long as they did most of the caring or whatever they could do to help her. They flat out refused. I told my useless nephew, the one who made all the major decisions that if he put his Mother ( my sister) away she would deteriorate, the narcissistic oaf said, "Not necessarily." and has she ever deteriorated, she can no longer walk, nor feed herself, nor bathe herself, nor dress herself, I call a lot and she barely says one full sentence. She cries on occasions, My heart is broken for her. And she is NOT old, she is by far the youngest resident there ( the nurses all have told me that). But I feel like she has been sent there to die. I care for my mother and it is so hard, but it is the right thing to do, I am young, healthy and able, my nephews are both even younger than me, the jackass , the one who made the decision to put her away is a lazy no job holding ass , I feel he loved that he had some power in life by making every decision about his mother, and every decision was the worst possible and most selfish ones, He and his brother inherited hundreds of thousands of dollars ( from their late Dad's Mom who btw they never did anything for, they never bought her gifts even though she sent them 500 and 1,000 on birthdays and Christmas ( can you imagine their greediness and selfishness?) It is sickening to think they have all that money when they did ZILCH to deserve other than share their Grandma's DNA that's it!. The least those two selfish swine could do is pay to get my sister physical therapy so she will walk again, get a great nutritionist to feed her the healthiest meals, rent a handicapped/wheelchair accessible van and just get her out of there once a week, ( I asked 1 of the nurses if she can leave the grounds she said yes, it would do her a world of good , but she would have to be in some kind of vehicle that a wheelchair could easily get in and out of), but nope those two unfeeling slobs do nothing, they ohhh wow visit her maybe twice a week for wow maybe an hour a visit, but they do nothing otherwise. But I cry thinking that my horrible nephews sent her there to die, obviously she is going to die there among tons of other sick people and strangers, no matter how nice that staff there is they are not her family who knew her so many years like my dirtbag nephews and shared life experiences with her. I read of Belle who wrote way back wishing her mother was dead, see for my nephews I wish the hell and sadness they put my sister through, and the added stress and sadness I have as a result they get tenfold. It is so sad to see how quickly my poor sister deteriorated simply because two selfish curs ( mutts!) have no desire to give her the freedom and love she gave them. She should had aborted them! I wonder will they care when she dies all alone in that cold nursing home?

Perhaps all that you are wanting for your sister, will occur in the NH. My mother would not have survived another week at home, and now we celebrated her 95th birthday. She has been in the NH for 15 months. She has 24 hour care, baths, meals, socialization and entertainment.

One of my sisters died trying to care for Mother. My other sister is 75 YO. We could not have cared for mother at home.

As far as taking Mother somewhere in the car, the NH would not help us load her in the car. They cannot be responsible for that. Her 50 yo grandson isn't even capable of getting her (dead weight) in a car and then, change her Depends, while out.

I celebrate those families that are able to care for their loved ones, but some loved ones are very difficult patients and need skilled care.

Good luck. I think that you have enough on your plate, without taking on your sister, too.
Helpful Answer (37)
Reply to Chicago1954
Report

Nursing homes don't admit just anyone who has family that wants to dump them there. She's there because she probably needs to be there. Your mom is lucky that she has you for a caregiver but not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver and maybe the thought of caring for their obese mom, changing her diapers, trying to get her in and out of the car, etc. was too daunting for these "2 selfish swine". They may be doing the best they can for her. And if she's not in decline why would she need the three of you taking care of her? When there are 2 ill people or 2 people who can't do for themselves and it takes 3 caregivers to take care of the both of them then I think it's time to look at alternative arrangements.

I can tell from your post that you are very angry and very resentful but you also live 1,000 miles away and don't know the day to day responsibilities your "dirtbag nephews" had when dealing with their mom.
Helpful Answer (30)
Reply to Eyerishlass
Report

I have read all the postings to your question. I will give you the benefit of the doubt by asking you this question. Would you really want those useless nephews to take care of their mother/your sister along with your mother? You say your sister has deteriorated in the nursing home. She could become more worse off being cared for from those selfish horrible nephews. At least your sister is safe and not at the hands of unwanted caegivers.
Helpful Answer (29)
Reply to Labs4me
Report

overwroughtone, first, would you PLEASE stop referring to entering a nursing home as being "put away." That sounds like something you might do to a pet with a terminal condition. I hope to heaven you don't use that term with your sister, and I would greatly prefer it if you didn't use it here. My mother is in now in a nursing home and I assure you that none of us "put her away." I think that is an obscene term and I am offended by it. You apologized but you keep using it.

Second, you obviously have a huge load of anger. This can't be doing you any good. For you to be so continuously over wrought can't be doing your mother any good. And, unfortunately, it isn't doing your sister any good. You need your emotional strength for yourself and for your mother. Being a full time caregiver is a tremendously stressful (and rewarding) job. You need to take care of yourself. I hope you will see a counselor or therapist to help deal with all this anger. You don't deserve it. Get help.

Thirdly, your nephew has guardianship, appointed by the court. This means your sister is not competent to make decisions in her own best interest. Those of us who are regulars on this site have seen post after post of a caregiver despairing over not being able to get their parent to take care of themselves. If your sister refused to see a psychiatrist, if she refused to take anti depression medication or anti anxiety medication and she refused to cooperate with her diabetes care plan and she won't exercise or take physical therapy or attempt to lose weight, if she refused to let "strangers" into her home, that is a very, very hard situation for the caregiver or guardian. I can understand the mental health hospitalization. Sometimes this is done to evaluate medications and to try to get the patient on a stable regimen that could be continued at home of in a care center. Sometimes a suicide attempt is behind the admission. But it can't be just a whim of somebody who wants her out of their hair for a while. There must be a serious reason. Similarly, nursing homes do not admit residents just to satisfy a guardian's whim. There must be medical need, and it has to be the kind of need they can address. Your sister really and truly needs lots of help. Her guardian's assessment is that it is more help than he can provide at home. Please accept this. Help her be happy and to know that you love her very much, right where she is.

Fourth, sounds like at this point your nephews refuse to talk to you. So you are hearing from your sister. We know from our own experiences and from readings each other's posts that the word of a person with mental health issues or dementia is NOT reliable. They often focus their misery on their main caregiver. We caregivers get accused of all kinds of things that are not at all true. (You are very lucky that your mother does not do this with you. Is she mentally competent?) If Sis is accusing Nephew of something specific and you can't determine whether it is true or not, that may be when it is appropriate to call APS. But placing his mother in an appropriate care center and visiting her regularly is not abandoning her or abusing her. You would prefer that he takes care of her, but that is not his legal obligation, and it may not even have been possible. APS can't help with that.

Do what you can do for your sister, given your distance and your lack of authority. Talk to her. Send her cards, and the occasional bouquet. Encourage her to cooperate with efforts to improve her health.

Let go of what you have no control over. That includes where she is and what her sons do with their inheritance.

You are a wonder daughter to care so much for your mother, and a loving sister. You deserve some peace.
Helpful Answer (22)
Reply to jeannegibbs
Report

Following a major stroke and broken hip, my mother, then 78 went to a nursing home for rehab, but she did not work with PT. Her doctor had been trying to get her into assisted living earlier because she was not consistent with her meds even with her wheel chair bound husband and a helper in the house. Thus, she kept having seizures. However, that all stopped at the nursing home. In my opinion, she lasted four years longer in the nursing home than she would of at home which was not a real possibility with her not learning to walk again like she had after her stroke. I share this just to say that not everyone puts a loved one in a nursing home just to give them to die in.
Helpful Answer (17)
Reply to cmagnum
Report

In my experience, Nursing Homes do not admit patients who do not require skilled nursing, whether or not they are private pay. People are not "put away" in nursing homes, at least not in good ones. My mother would be dead three times this year if she had been in my care; NH staff picks up on changes in her status quickly. My mother's health has significantly improved since she's been in her currently placement. Not sure what your sister's health status is; is it possible that your nephews are trying to shield you from knowledge that your sister is in fact very ill?
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report

Well if they are stupid and selfish, that's the way she raised them. Spoiled them rotten. Too bad she can't turn back the clock and take them to the woodshed.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to pamstegma
Report

After getting the last bit of info, I am sorry for her situation. A heavier person does require skilled care. She must have agreed at some point to the NH. How else would it be paid for?

Maybe this will be the incentive for her to help herself. Obesity is a terrible disease. I had a close friend die from it at age 57. She weighed 400 pounds. Another former teammate of mine (we were athletes) died, bed ridden at age 60. There doesn't seem to be anything anyone can do to help, this certain group of people. I offered emotional help, many times.
Helpful Answer (12)
Reply to Chicago1954
Report

See Pam no way my sister raised them like that, she showed her generosity often, she was a special ed teacher and had a very poor student so she went out and bought him jeans and sneakers and other items, she bought him things numerous times. She also was thoughtful toward others, she offered to bring her then alive and ill mother in law into her home to care for her. And when her sweet husband lay dying in a hospital for 6 months, she visited him every single day except 9 days, when she was sick or had to get a treatment for her back pain, and see she is large and has back pain and would sit in the hard chair in the ICU and other hospital rooms they put her husband, but she sat in those uncomfortable chairs sitting by her husband up to 6 hours at a time, her sons saw and knew that, I guess they are too dumb to learn by example.She helped her sons and others, you cannot blame the tree when some of the fruit is rotten, outside circumstances occur to create that rottenness. I am who I am by my own choices, I do not blame my parents for anything, those two slobs have chosen their ways to behave in life, no one to blame but them.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to anonymous122420
Report

I have been the "awful nephews" in my family. I was the person who made the decision to put my mother in a nursing home. I have caught hell for it, but out of 5 children, no one else wanted the responsibility. I hear all the complaints from family about what I have done "wrong" and what I "continue to do wrong", but THEY have done nothing except bitch about me. It is hard to make that kind of decision, especially when the person being admitted doesn't want to be put in a nursing home - but for some of us, that is the only available option that we can afford, and becoming a caregiver is no party!!! You will not receive a gold star, never enough "thank yous", and you have to listen to b*tching and squawking from your siblings, other family members, and the loved one in the nursing home. My phone rings constantly while I try to work a full time job. 3 hours away, my mom thinks of every little thing to bitch and complain about at the nursing home. Yet, when I try to move her just into another room after she has ranted about her horrible room mate, she suddenly "can't leave her"!! So, please understand that "worthless nephews" exist in all families, and I am proud to say that I am that "nephew". I put my mother's best intentions at heart and I am learning that I can't believe everything my mother says, nor do I take to heart what ignorant family members say about me and my decisions. I am blessed that my mom is in a safe place, with food and shelter. I cannot force her to participate in activities or even just watch TV, but that is her problem. We caregivers can only do so much, and you learn to leave the rest to GOD and the paid professionals that are educated and trained to deal with nursing home patients. God Bless them!!! Take a deep breath, be grateful your sister is being cared for, and take time for yourself, or you will end up in the same situation. Some things are really out of our control. Life is not fair, not easy, and no one lives forever!! We have to make the best of every situation and move on! We are caregivers, not miracle workers!!
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to phanna919
Report

See All Answers
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter