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None of us are able to care for Mom. I started 8 years ago and can no longer handle it.. Her memory scale is moderate to severe but she has OCD behaviors that are non relenting and I honestly feel like I am less that 1/16th away from falling into insanity and I am never coming back.

We brought in a helper 8 hours a day this week but we still can't manage. Older sister thinks she can but she has less patience that me and an argument ensued and Mom dug her nails into sister and caused scratches and Mom got bruises, all while I am losing my mind locked in my bedroom!

It is time for Mom to go to a Memory Care Facility because we honestly cannot give her the care she needs and in the process our family has gone to hell and I don 't think any of us will recuperate from this nightmare.

Where do we go and how do we begin? This is an enormous step for all of us to finally agree! All help and insight is greatly appreciated!

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I'm not sure that facilities take the level of "difficulty" regarding personality into account. Some ALs will take folks with dementia, some will not. My mom was in a lovely rehab place over the summer after her stroke; we had hoped that she could stay on there as an AL resident afterwards. But she developed vascular dementia (and was not at all a "difficult" patient, as you describe, but the facility declined to accept her because they were not equipped to handle patients with dementia. Of course, they don't throw people out who develop it, they just don't accept patients who have it as part of their initial profile. It seemed to me like they understood what they were good at. Each AL facility does its own assessment of patients at intake and makes its own decisions, it seems.
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My sister and I have our mom in a nursing home on the rehab wing as she had a "possible stroke" which is how they described it at the hosp. Since the night she was at home and collapsed, she can't walk, her words are slurred and she has breathing problems and the have her on oxygen. We really love the staff at this facility. They are so kind and patient with her but she is not responding well to the therapy. Also, as time goes by (she's been in there a couple weeks) her true nature is coming thru. Our mom has dementia and when she was at home she used a walker and could get up and use the toilet, etc., with our help. However, she's never been a "sweet person" I hate to say. She has become even more of that personality since the dementia has progressed. She can be combative, uncooperative and verbally unkind, to say it nicely. Well now that her nature is shining thru, we are afraid they will kick her out once her therapy is over. They do have long term beds there in another wing, even an Alzheimer's wing. Can they kick out a patient if they find out they are going to be difficult? What happens to these kinds of patients? They haven't said they will, we are just realizing that if her therapy is not successful we are not going to be able to take care of her at home. She can't walk, is very heavy, not to mention uncooperative. We are just wondering if facilities make these kinds of decisions based on personalities like our moms. Any body have any ideas? Thanks, d
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I think this is the hardest part, trying to find a place where your loved one feels comfortable and where you feel comfortable leaving them. Trying to help yourself
is not always appreciated and seems never to be enough. My mother having Parkinsons with dementia complains about not being herself, thats why we cant blame them for their actions. Too many people in the retirement age are diagnosed with these neurological diseases and since I know it can affect anyone I have done lots of research. Its horrible that so many peoples lives are affected by these diseases and unfortunately the Pharmaceutical companies are not fixing the problem but just helping to bandage the problem with daily costly medicines! All that people work for their whole lives get taken by pharmeceuticals and nursing homes instead of finding the cure.
My mom has been on so many medications that I know one of them had Dementia as a side effect but they cant take dementia away? Sorry I am rambling just want to be sure you are looking out for yourself also and to know whatever you decide, is the right thing. I know when and if this happens to me I would not want anyone else to have a horrible life because of me and that what my loved ones decide is best for everyone. Good luck and know my prayers are with you all!!
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Medicare has a link to help you find local homes and the ratings that tell about deficiencies. Some states also have these information pages. Start there and make a list of possible homes. Then visit them employees in the office will usually show you around. Revisit and observe the feeding of those who need help. This will let you see if there is special things that will help your mother such as an aviary to watch birds or a resident cat or dog. These mean a lot to some people. You will also observe how the residents are treated by staff during eating. Also check for which doctors go to the homes. This may influence your decision. Talk to the doctor she will be admitted under and good luck. Also if she is on medicare if she spends 3 days at hospital prior to admission-they pay some on the first 100 days of the stay. Also helps move them up the list for admission.
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One of the best kept secrets are Professionals called Certified Care Managers. They are healthcare professionals such as RN's or Social Workers who have significant Care Management or Care Coordination experience. They are also required to take a nationally administered exam and are governed by the National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers. You may search the Association's website, www.caremanager.org, by zip code and read various Certified Care Managers (CCM) profiles and contact information. A CCM can and will provide you with an evaluation of your parent if necessary or can provide advocacy, and advice as to what facility is most appropriate for your loved one. They can give you all pertinent information about all facilities and their costs in your area. Also they can speak with your loved one and clearly communicate the benefits of moving to a facility and the higher quality of life that they will have in the proper setting. A CCM can also provide you with community resources to help you as well as on going advocacy and care coordination for your loved one.
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BE sure you visit the facility when they are not expecting you. SEe how they relate to the residents and how caring and loving they are. When I went to the place I put my husband out a visiting relative was coming out when I was. I asked what she thought of the place and I got a glowing reply. I personally like a small group home where they are like a family,Also, be sure there is no urine smell.That is a dead give away. In my husband;s home there was one man who did not have dementia and I asked his opinion. He loved the place so that was a good sign. I agree about the mediation for the agitation. Good luck. I'm sure you will find some place. I looked on "A place for Mom'. Prayer also helps. I felt like I was led to his home. I marvel at the caring people who share their experiences and insighst on these columns. They are wonderful
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I was stressed out as you describe and got relief when I finally took the doctor's advice and put Mom on medications to make her behavior more manageable.
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This what happen we get burn out and stress when caring for someone for long time. Yes a facility sound good but check on the internet on there rating and write down good one. Then go visit and ask question. My mother been with me for 2 years. 8 years was going to house for 2-4 hours before going to work while my was still living. Get with medicare and get case manger or social work to come in help.
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gladimhere's comment about providing the care facilities with a worst case scenario is a very good one. The facilities themselves also need to be honest with you about their requirements. Ten years ago (when I didn't know about the disease as much as I do now), BOTH of my parents were thrown out of three separate facilities until my father went into skilled nursing and my mother to a small home only for women. It was agonizing and I am still bitterly resentful about the experience.
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52, how wonderful, I know you have been through plenty of family turmoil through this! Medicare's website has ratings of facilities based on required inspections and reports. Another good way to start is to just start visiting, take their tours, let them provide lunch.

Whatever you do, tell the facility the truth about your mom's cognitive situation, and agitation. Sometimes family will not provide the entire, honest picture, in order to save money. DO NOT do this, provide them a worst case scenario. My reasoning is simple, you would not want to have to start the shopping process all over again if the facility decide mom is not an appropriate fit for the services they offer.

Good Luck!
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Click on the bar to the right--the one that says Find Housing and Care. You will be put in touch with folks who can help. This is a service that is paid for by the facilities, not the patients. They will guide you in your geographic area to places that have beds available, places where you can go on a waiting list, etc. Be sure to do your own due dilligence looking at places and trust your own impressions. Do a Google search for "memory care" with the name of your city and county to find other places that may not participate in the patient-finding service. good luck!
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