Has anyone been on the other side of "if" I should live with my kids? - AgingCare.com

Has anyone been on the other side of "if" I should live with my kids?

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Ever since my husband died about 11 years ago, my kids have asked me to move in with them. In fact, my daughter and I had a struggle with what she wanted vs. what I wanted....to live alone. My younger daughter is a school teacher and I KNOW I would not live with her. She and her husband could use the financial support, but I see the handwriting on the wall living with them. It would not work. However, my son and his wife have been also asking me to move in with them for years. My home is presently in a very beautiful place but it is SO far away from my kids. The medical is about 200 miles round trip. My older daughter has quit asking me to move near her. Now she would settle for me to have an apt near them. (to expensive for me). My son has been consistent on asking me to move in with them. Neither of my children are in need of financial help. Their real purpose in asking me to move in with them was "they love me" and hate to see me so far away. I love my daughter in law. I have said to them for many times, it is not good for a parent to live with their children if they can avoid it. Recently, my son had a major surgery. He is doing well. I stayed with my son and his wife for about two months during his life or death health issue. That two months was a wonderful experience. HOWEVER, I do feel like my freedom could be compromised. This is a sort of backwards situation. I don't need a caregiver NOW. I will be 75 in a couple of months and have enjoyed excellent health. I have weighed the issue back and forth. An apartment near them is out of the question. Most apartments have kids....way to many kids. I am not interested in Independent living. I am afraid it would be the end of me. I normally can go for a couple of years not seeing my kids. They are far to busy at this time in their lives to travel to where I live. "middle of nowhere". I am at a loss as to what I should do. Three choices....1) stay where I am presently living and see my kids very seldom. 2) take an apartment and tolerate the children in the complex. 3) Move in with my kids. Wow what a decision I have to make. Has anyone experienced living with their kids when I really do not need the physical support? They are not asking for anything from me financially. However, we could buy a larger home with my funds joined with theirs. Any thoughts?

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There are never any easy answers to these questions. Just a question of choosing which problem you can live with easiest. However, I guess I look at this differently than most of the posts I see here. Since I moved in with my parents (they are both physically handicapped and they both have dementia to different degrees) and I experience the hardship, the stress, the toll it is taking on my marriage (my husband is their caregiver while I am at work), the fact that I have no life of my own anymore, I will never allow my children or grand children to be my caregivers were I ever to be in that condition. I don't care how much they want to and I know they love me and have already offered to care for us either in our home or in theirs, but I would never do this to my children! I am 63 and have 2 boys, ages 41 and 27. My parents are 84 and 81. They have only needed live in care for the last 2 years. So, with any luck I won't need as much care as they do and even if I do, hopefully, I still have a good many years before that happens. At any rate, I am so intent on sparing my children and grandchildren the kind of pain I am experiencing with my parents, that I have already had all the legal documents drawn up to ensure that they will never be in the position that I am in now. It is all taken care of and I will just go silently into that good night...............when I get to the point that I need that kind of constant care. I love my parents very much and I do not resent the time that I have been caring for them and I will continue to care for them until they pass on. They cared for me my entire life and I know I gave them many years of worry and pain, so this may be payback. LOL! Even though I have assured that I will care for them as long as I can, my parents will sit and cry and beg me not to put them in a nursing home. It breaks my heart and I sure don't plan to put them there if I can possibly continue to do it at home, but it may not always be possible. My sons both only live about 45 minutes from my home, so they can always come and visit me wherever I end up!
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My mom sold her house and bought a smaller one story condo in a community. Even though shes in her 60s, she started installing features for her future needs ie. Safety bars etc. Her condo fees cover maintenance so she doesnt need to worry about that.
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That, I must admit, is something I hadn't thought of - the impact of fellow residents' passing. Yes, I do see that.

I do like the mental image of you and your husband scaling the walls and fleeing to the motel!

Wishing your son a speedy recovery, and you a happy outcome to your house search.
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All of your answers or suggestions are great. I guess we know I KNOW the answer. I just wanted some YOUNG advice here. I am sure if I can find something close to them, I can always change the situation at anytime.

My dislike for Independent living is as follows: We had a fire in our home. It meant extensive work. Our insurance company searched for a temporary home for us until the work was done.

They came up with a 2 bedroom apt (meals included) in an Independent Living facility. The apt was furnished, large and beautiful. Everything looked beautiful until we had been there for two months. I had made friends and was full of life. I could not believe the loss of friends whom I had known such a short time would affect the way it did. I also had to come face to face with the walkers, wheel chairs and Memory Care Unit I passed each day as I exited the elevator to the Dining Room. The food was good in the beginning and then it all blended together. After the 3rd month, we were both willing to move to a motel in order to get away from the depression that was slowly slipping in. Oh the huge lobby was beautiful. But behind the elevators was a true example of sadness by so many. At the time, we were also visiting his family member as he was dying from Alzheimers. After we finally shoved the workmen out of our home and moved back, we continuously said "NEVER", not even Independent living.

I see where it is important to be closer to at least one of the kids. I was loosing those precious days and years of my grandkids growing up. Then, I had an unexpected surgery. Well, it was not serious and I had to keep telling my kids it was not necessary to come and see me at the hospital. I meant it. Then a school bus turned left in front of me and I escaped death. My car was totaled.

I believe the over 55 apartments would be the answer. I have always been very independent. I was the main breadwinner in our home. My husband was 18 yrs older than myself and I ended up in the position many of you are in. CAREGIVING. It is the hardest job on earth. Emotional and physically, there is nothing that compares. When he passed, I was sore all over and tired. It took me a couple of years to learn to relax.

I am headed home next Monday. My son had a Brain Tumor. Or so they thought. The tables were turned and the kids needed ME. It worked out well as even the best brain surgeon in the USA was shocked when the tests on the specimen came out to be nothing. One doctor had even given my son 2 months to a year to live. Thank God we researched as fast as we could. Now I am going home to put my beautiful Ocean View home on the market. Not sure what the next step will be, but God is at my side. I will allow HIM to guide me to the best solution.

Thanks so much for your honest answers and your suggestions.
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Rule out living with them. If we've learned anything on the forum over the last years, surely it's that living with your children is a minefield for you and for them. Moreover, you've got three little families to choose from so you've got the added fraughtness of one child being the primary caregiver and - well, you know where that goes.

If it were me, I'd look again at the independent living option. I appreciate your ohmygodyoumustbejoking beginningoftheend feeling about it, but if you move in when you're still high-kicking I think it's a different picture altogether. It's certainly an option I plan to look at sooner rather than later.
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It doesn't have to be limited to the choices you have laid out. My area is awash with over 55 communities, with more being added annually as boomers age and downsize, and I am in a small town/rural area.
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No, I would not desire to live with either of my children but then my MIL didn't want to move out of her house either. I have a thought regarding the apartment situation. Check out the 55+ complexes. Our little town is building them as fast as they can. Various levels of luxury. Not attached in any way to an assisted living facility, and NO children. 

I would be hesitant to co-own a house. What if it didn't work out--for any reason--and you needed to move out? Would they have to sell the house so that you got your money back? What about Medicaid qualification if that's ever a necessity. Best to keep your money separate. You could be transient, and move between the children at prescribed intervals.
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Speaking from the adult child's point of view I would say move closer to your kids. My mom lives an hour away from me and two hours from my siblings. We begged my parents to move in with us for years. When that was refused we spent countless hours looking at homes nearby for them. Nope! My mom is now 90 and dad passed 6 years ago. She needs significant help. I go there at least once a week for her shopping, personal care and home needs. Doctors appointments, blood work, bill paying......all me now. And it takes an hour to drive there and hour to drive back. I have my own home to care for (which is now neglected), my health (neglected), my husband, kids, pets and a full time job (all sorely neglected). It would be so much easier if she lived close. She is still refusing to change. Doesn't like the area, doesn't want an apartment, isn't "ready" for assisted living (that train left the station months ago). Trust me, your kids will thank you in the future. And my mom is lonely. I think she wants to be closer now but the change is too hard for her at 90. When she was 75 she never imagined being alone and needing so much help. No one likes to think of being dependent but that day will come for all of us. I won't do this to my kids when I get older. Sparing you the details, it is not a happy valley here.
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Have you looked into an apartment in an "over 55" complex? No services are provided, but the residents are older and are not still raising children. In most of these, even overnight visits by children are limited to a few days each year. In my area, these communities can be either a large apartment complex or a cluster of townhomes or condos.
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