Lost my father 1 month ago. My father was 88 at the time of his passing. He suffered from brain, lung and prostate cancer. He suffered miserably during his final months of life because my mom refused to place him in hospice due to her being his only caregiver and making all the decisions herself. I spent to last week of his life with him and helped him as much as I could. I finally convinced my mom to place him in a in-home hospice so she could continue to care for him and be by his side, but he would also get the appropriate pain medications and medications ( which he previously wasn't on). Trying to allow my mom to give my dad his morphine was a struggle as she said he wasn't in pain and didn't need. When my dad passed I found him and alerted my mom. The first thing she did was call her brother. I was devastated and asked for a hug which she replied she couldn't. After they came to take the body my mom was on the phone nonstop and then wanted to go to the dollar store. I was appalled and taken a back. Everyday I want to talk to my dad and tell him how much I miss him and ask why he left me with her ( my mom) . Not sure if these are normal feelings

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Dear Monica,

My deepest sympathies and condolences on the passing of your beloved dad. Sorry for the pain and sorrow. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.

I know everyone grieves differently. Maybe your mom is in denial or shock and this is why she is behaving the way she is. I'm so sorry its hurting you though.

Everything you are saying and feeling is normal. I too have resentment against my mother. She divorced my father a long time ago. She hated him. She broke up our family. And even in death she resented the amount of money we spent on the funeral.

I'm still struggling to process the death of my father. And at times I have horrible thoughts. My father was the good one and my mother was the trouble maker. And I almost wish it was my mother and not my father that has passed. I'm sure our feelings are part of the grief journey. Life is never easy. Our beloved fathers could have lived to 100 and we would have felt we never had enough time with them.

Thinking of you.
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monica16, curious if your Mom is from the same generation era as your Dad.   If yes, then I can understand what your Mom was doing.

My Dad, when he was in his 80's had a mild heart attack.   My Mom, who was a few years older was in total denial about Dad's physical health.   Any time someone would mention "heart attack" my Mom would denial it.

What is was, was the era that your parents grew up in.... the wife made sure the house was in order and that she took good care of your Dad.   Apparently she did, as he lived to be 88.   But if her husband became ill, she would blame herself and all the relatives and friends would whisper among themselves that she wasn't a good wife.... that is what many wives believed would happen.

My Mom even refused Rehab, saying Dad was her husband and she will take care of him.   She even didn't like the physical therapist coming through the door, and good heavens if the therapist was a pretty young girl.   Mom didn't like another female paying attention to my Dad [except for nurses in the hospital].

I hope this will give you some insight as to why your Mom was acting about your Dad while he was still alive.   My heartfelt sympathy to you and your family.
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Your mom may have some dementia. Wanting to go shopping seems a bit of odd behavior. Not wanting a comforting hug either suggests she is disconnected from reality.
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