Father just getting over shingles since last Monday. This set him back tremendously. He has undiagnosed intestinal issues, that pain is back. His Dr. won't see him until he gets blood work then a CT scan. In the meantime I am over there 3 x day making sure he takes his meds and eats. He is taking way too many pain pills and is quite loopy and unstable. Visiting nurse came on Sat. I did not learn anything new from them and they will only check on him weekly. I do not know what to do next for him. I'm an only child, work full time and have an unsupportive husband. I feel like I need a care/case manager to help me make decisions. I had no problem when my mother had AD doing all of this. But now, just me and I am suffocating. And father is not taking his heart meds either, so his health is at risk. Should I just get his blood work done and wait for them to schedule the CT? Or go back to the ER and tell them he needs immediate care and I am not getting it? Feeling very hopeless. Sorry this is so long. Thank you.

If your father needs you here three times a day...he needs to be in a care facility. There is no way you can do this and continue to work. AND THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

As for the unsupportive spouse, often they can see clearer than the caregiver can. Maybe not so much, unsupportive but more not willing to jump on the crazy train.

I think it is time for a talk with your father about long term plans and how you are unable to maintain the level of care you have been giving.
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to lkdrymom

First of all, keep the job or you will up sh**'s creek. Second, as to your husband, just cross him off the list - he is not supporting you so don't care about him. Your father needs help but is not cooperating with what he has to do - perhaps dementia is setting in. I would move him to an assisted living facility at once where he will be monitored. You can't do everything and be everything and everywhere. You must think of you first so you don't fall. I would also get him to the E.R. and demand you know what is going on and explain the situation. Also contact a Social Worker and the local Office on Aging for advice and help.
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Reply to Rusty2166
Kittybee Feb 4, 2021
Actually sitting in ER now. Getting all the tests run that dr should have. As for husband? Maybe that negativity needs to go.
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Reply to Laeric
dogparkmomma Feb 3, 2021
If they have a reason to keep him in hospital, immediately start talking to social worker about placement in rehab for conditioning so he can do better with self care. Now that probably won't happen but if you can get a rehab placement, you can look for a "short term" placement in assisted living if he qualifies. Discuss finances with social worker and figure out a plan. If he cannot manage on his own without your constant intervention, then he is not able to live independently.

Regarding your husband, in general, it is suggested that you do nothing during a crisis but if it were me, I would wonder how he would care for me if this were my turn to need help.
Running over to your dad's three times a day and you're still working full time! Your dad is not living independently. You are enabling a sham of independence. His needs are only going to increase given his age and, perhaps, after the results of the blood work and CT scan.

In my opinion, it is a bad idea for anyone to take on the responsibility of caring for someone without having the authority. Do you have durable power of attorney both medical and financial for your dad? If not, get it. If he won't give it, back off.

In order to help your dad without burning yourself out, you need to understand his finances. What income does he get? Does he own his home?

Has your husband always been unsupportive of you or is this new because he's tired of you running over to your dad's place three times a day? Do you value your marriage or is this a last straw?

I hope you will feel how much support people on this forum have to offer and that your feelings of hopelessness will start to diminish as you realize you have options and valuable information from people who have been in your shoes. Hugs.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to NYDaughterInLaw

It sounds to me as though the only option will be for your Dad to enter care. However, of all the things you do mention, you don't mention dementia. That means you have no real ability to act.
What entity supplies this weekly RN ? I suggest you meet with her and Dad next visit and let him know in her presence you cannot continue. Beatty, one of our members has a truism I often repeat: "No other solutions will be found if you continue to be all the solutions".
If your Dad is abusing pain meds there is honestly good reason for his gut to be in a mess. I hope that's all it is.
You mention a not very supportive husband. I can't know what that means. Either he is trying to let you know you can't do this, or he is not supportive period. If you are trying to care for an uncooperative Dad and have a bad marriage with full time work, something will definitely give. Probably your own mental health.
I think you need to let Dad know this can't continue. He needed more care when your Mom was alive; he still does and it will get worse. He likely needs placement he won't accept, so there may be no answer but to back away and let him operate in his own behalf with some minimal shopping support until he understands this cannot go on; that may occur only with hospitalization. I am so sorry. That's an awful option; I just can't think of any good ones.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to AlvaDeer

Others will log in--don't worry about that....better advice than I can give.

Can you do an "ER dump?" (I know it sounds awful). But it sounds like you are in over your head by a lot--I also did CG to my FIL for about 5(?) months and was running to his place 3xs a day and doing ALL THE THINGS. Still had 3 kids at home, too.

Dh was totally unsupportive and would actually gag and vomit if dad needed help toileting. FIL was so embarassed by this, I am in the bathroom trying to get him undressed and in the shower, he's fighting me, saying 'I'm fine' and poop is runnning down his I had to clean him, his clothes, the floor (carpet) AND our the front seat of our car....and DH is puking in the downstairs bathroom.

FIL's LAST ER run was basically an ER dump--I simply could NOT do the care any more and DH wouldn't and there was no one else. I explained to anyone who'd listen about the situation and we were working on a NH placement and he passed away. To this day, my DH blames me for shortening his dad's life by my lack of compassion. I didn't and don't accept that. In my mind, I know I facilitiated the last year of his life to be the best it could be--BUT we all have limits and I had mine.

Sounds like you are at the end of your capability to be a compassionate CG. Your health will start to tank and then what good are you to him?

I'm mean, maybe, but I think you'll get more attention if you take him to an ER and let the hospital know he is unsafe to discharge.

And yes, you do need someone to help you naviagte the waters of placing a sick elder in a facility. They know how to cut through the paperwork.

I wish you luck--be tough, but loving.

Hugs--you need them!
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Midkid58
Laeric Feb 1, 2021
Believe thought of that....
See 2 more replies
Ask his PCP for a social worker to help sort through all your father's needs.

Sounds like he needs daily care like a caregiver not just home health nursing. Not sure how old father is.

No sense in moving him to your house since husband refuses to help and you are working full time. You would not have a minute's peace.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to InFamilyService

I was also an only child,, when Mom and Dad moved in with me. Mom was in cardiac rehab.. I was still working full time. we got dad a "companion" from a home care company. Now I don;t assume to know your dads financial situation, but could he afford a day time caregiver? ( notice I said him and not YOU !) My hubs was also working at that time, and our CG was a blessing. We kept her even when Mom got home as she was so good with Dad.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to pamzimmrrt

Don’t apologize for your message being long.

This forum is here for you to explain your situation and also to vent.

You have a lot on your plate! It’s actually more than a person should be expected to deal with on their own.

Your dad needs more care than you can offer.

Can you ask your father’s doctor for a contact number or email for a social worker?

They can help with assistance in finding a suitable facility for your father.

Your dad needs medical care and you need to live your life.

You can monitor his care and continue to be an advocate for him.

Best wishes to you and your dad.

Take care.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

Be incredibly careful about letting him take too many pain meds. It might seem harmless at first, but my aunt did that and she began to get lighthearted, dizzy, and fall far too often. At first, the falls were nothing, but after a while, she began to fall on her head. I had to take her to the emergency room 4 times in a single week, before I finally caught on that she was taking her long-deceased brother's pain meds along with her own, without telling anyone about it. After those falls, she began to act strangely around me, and the next fall she tore her rotator cuff in her arm, had to stay in the hospital for weeks, and then they diagnosed her with late-stage dementia. I thought it was a misdiagnosis, but those falls on her head could have caused it to creep up quickly. She never showed any signs of dementia before her hospital visit, but after that... man did it get impossible to care for her. Everything about her changed and not for the better either.

Make sure you get your father care somehow, but you probably can't do it all yourself. He needs to go to a facility where they can take care of him 24/7, or he needs hired help at home. He can't stay at home and expect you to keep him there all by yourself indefinitely.
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Reply to Hiimwes

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