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My father came to live with my husband and I 13 months ago he has went blind due to cateracts, all due to heavy drinking in the past. Now also heart failure stage 1; again he has lived with me, my husband and I both are exhausted from his behaviors. He won't do as asked "not smoke in our home", he hides and does this, he won't do anything to improve his health. I've done everything I can but now it's to the point to my husband wants him out of the house immediately. He had family in Georgia who refuse to help him because of his behaviors. He can't be left alone so I haven't been able to work in 13 months. Also I have kidney disease and I've lost little over 30 pounds due to the overwhelming stress. I've tried getting his doc to help but to no avail, caseworker's either. I'm in TN. He refuses to help himself get any better, yet my heath has taken the fall and my marriage. There's no where for him to go because of how he acts, he says if you try and put me in a nursing home "I will kill myself". I could go on about things he does but I need help and can't get it from his doc or caseworker. Does anyone know what I can do NOW to get out of this horrible situation of trying to help someone who doesn't want to get better? I can't deal with this another day! My husband has said he's gotta go because he's afraid he's gonna burn our house down. He will not stop sneeking smoking. Even stealing others cigarettes to smoke. That's just the tip of the berg. He refuses to bath regularly it's a constant battle..what can I do? Really can't do this one more day it's taken my health

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I so feel for you as I have been there, done that. I had an extremely disordered father who made everyone's life hell. Staff, doctors, etc, kept saying it wasn't dementia. "He's pretty sharp for his age." (96)
He was not a good person. He could get really nasty when he didn't get his way or felt ignored or slighted. A life time of lying, cheating, ignoring rules and laws, selfishness, short temper, verbal abuse, etc. just got worse as he aged. When I did research, I realized he ticked all the boxes for Narcissistic Personality Disorder and most of the boxes for Anti Social Personality Disorder. Basically he was a sociopath. 64 years of toxic abuse was what led to my mother's death.
In some ways, it was similar to dementia in that the person believes there is nothing wrong with them, everything is someone else's 'fault', and they refuse to listen to reason. Even before he ended up in an ALF, the stress of dealing with him was literally killing me. My B/P was up to 208/95 and I was a walking stroke waiting to happen. (Stroke was what killed my mother due to long term stress.)
Luckily, I had made it clear to my parents years ago that living with me would never be an option. Father would have destroyed my home and my marriage.
You need to get your father out A.S.A.P. His smoking in YOUR home is enough right there to evict him. He obviously doesn't care about rules. He threatens to kill himself? Call him on his bluff, It is a manipulative blackmail tactic. Say fine, go ahead. Everyone has the right to NOT be abused by any person. Get APS or Elder Care or whomever involved. Get a geriatric psych eval done and if necessary Baker Act his ass. Make it clear that YOUR health and safety are at risk, not just his. You need to save yourself! Get him out of your house and out of your life or he will end up killing you. His lies and horrid behavior need to have consequences, so if he ends up committed in a locked ward for observation, so be it. Like Beatty said above, if he is uncooperative, force a mental health intervention.
I was so worried that my father's behavior would get him kicked out of the ALF. The staff were amazingly patient and professional with him. I was his DPOA and I told the Director of Nursing that if he got to be too combative, they had my permission to Baker Act him. I also signed the DNR in his file months before his passing. He was a miserable p.o.s. just waiting to die, and from a European country where euthanasia is legal, so he was hoping someone would do it for him.
Time to step out of the F.O.G. (Fear/obligation/guilt) You have nothing to feel guilty for and you have sacrificed more than enough. Time to put yourself first.
Please keep us posted on your progress. Reclaim your life and peace of mind before he destroys you. {{{HUGS}}}
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Reply to NavyVet90
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My sister's Doctor could not help with her stuff (as refused to discuss/denial issues etc) but MY Doctor did help ME.

My Doc had just placed his MIL in a NH after the round-the-clock dementia care burden became too great on his family. He had always been taught family would do everything for family but now he added 'if the burden is too great, an alternative must be found'.

His son had come to visit. Seen the stress level & suggested a holiday - but they couldnn't leave MIL at home alone & she refused to go anywhere else. The son said "What are you guys doing? Killing yourselves!!!" So MIL was placed in a local NH. The family could visit daily but their stress level went way way down.

He advised ME to take a holiday. If this left the vulnerable person unsafe at home, they would need to be placed in respite accommodation for their own safety. This concept would be brought up with the Doctor & the paperwork started. If they refused to even go to appointment, to discuss, this could trigger a mental health intervention.

It sounds drastic for a holiday, but obviously you are not going to leave on holiday with Dad at home setting the house on fire!

I know *stubborn* is not dementia or mental illness, but if Dad cannot reason that a blind old man cannot stay home alone, then something is wrong with his reasoning.

I would force a mental health eval to obtain an inpatient/respite stay & actually take a weekend holiday somewhere (covid permitting). Spend time with your DH. Have dinner out. Breath. Rest. Plan your next steps.
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Reply to Beatty
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Im.so sorry you're life is in this turmoil. We are in the situation my husband and I where my Dad has just started living with us as he can no longer live alone, and while we are not facing the problems you are, it's not easy.
I don't know what to say to advise you but it's evident your marriage is at crisis point if you don't do something about your father's behaviour. I've heard that if we are caregivers to a parent who.has always been difficult, then this trait becomes even more magnified in their aging years. But that doesn't solve your problem however.
I have considered putting my Dad in care when I've got the shits with him on many occasions but he's not going out of his way to upset me as yours seems to be. Has your dad been diagnosed with a particular type of dementia? Mine hasn't but the signs are very clear now, even though my Dad feels bad about imposing on us, he has to be looked after. But your father sounds absolutely ungrateful. I think to save your marriage and sanity that you really need to put him into care despite his emotional blackmail. I get that too from.time to time . It's pure and simple manipulation and it's not fair on any caregiver. There's a lot more sound and practical previous advice from others who.are more experienced in these situations
God Bless and I'll be thinking of you.
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Reply to Nazdrovia
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Listen to BurntCaregiver, she says it better than I can.
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Reply to mstrbill
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Great previous answers. I would only add that you stress to the social worker at the hospital that YOU have significant health issues. I am tired of the health of caregivers (which so often suffers because of the caregiving demands) as not being part of the equation.
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Reply to CTTN55
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Take him to the ER at the hospital of whatever town you live in. Then explain to them that he's threatening to kill himself and that you need a Social Admit for him because you're no longer able to care for him in your home. They will admit him to the hospital and a psychiatric evaluation will be done for him.
Then they will send a hospital social worker to speak with you and you tell them that he has become unmanageable in your home and your health is too poor to continue caring for him. Make it clear that you refuse to allow him back into your home to live there.
Also, make sure you use the words 'Social Admit'. The social worker will contact APS (Adult Protective Services)and he will stay admitted to the hospital until they find a nursing facility for him to go to. He is handicapped (blind and in heart failure) so he cannot live independently on his own. They will find facility placement for him. Good luck.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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InFamilyService Jan 8, 2021
Perfect response and information, thank you.
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I am thinking on this & hoping those with law knowledge will be along soon with advice.

If you want to evict a tenant, you have rights - but you want to be sure there won't be any neglect issues. (I'd feel like dropping him & a suitcase off at a local Motel. Pay 2 nights & get a restraining order so he can't return). I'll get howled down for that I know 😖 but that is just what an abused wife my DH knows did with her drunken, abusive (soon to be) ex.

I just wanted to say I am glad you've reached out. Please vent if you need & get support for yourself until a solution is found.

You are not alone. I remember there was a poster recently with similar problem. Mother had moved in for *temporary* care but now stuck like glue. There was undx behaviour/dementia/mental illness & refusal to talk to Doctor/medical staff or engage with any social services. She had called APS, EMS & even Police for violence but EMS could not take as Mother refused & APS & Police got the *showtime* sweet lil old lady.

I believe she was last considering selling the farm & moving into a different property she owned. Leaving Mother behind & calling APS as she left.
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Reply to Beatty
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BurntCaregiver Jan 8, 2021
The "showtiming". I know all about that. That is when you have to bring them to the hospital ER and make it clear to the social worker they send down to speak with you that you refuse to take the person back into the home because you can't care for them anymore. APS doesn't take it seriously unless you absolutely refuse to allow the person back in your home.
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Other posters will have specific ideas - a lot depends on the laws in your jurisdiction. But eviction may be necessary. What sort of senior housing, group housing etc. is available in your area? Another suggestion is that if he has to go to the emergency room, explain that he cannot return to your home - it would be an "unsafe discharge" because you cannot take care of him. They will have to get him placement. If he is legally competent, then I don't think a doctor can do much. You say the social worker cannot help. Have you asked them what option there might be for him? The social worker may not be able to force the situation, but should be able to give you some advice. How about Area Council for the Aging? But keep in mind, that as long as he is in your home, he is not on the social worker's "hot list".
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Reply to rovana
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BurntCaregiver Jan 8, 2021
The hospital will find placement for him. But you have to absolutely state to the social worker they send from APS that you refuse to allow them back into the home because they cannot be safely and properly cared for there anymore.
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