My mother is mentally and physically falling apart at the seams, at only 57. I am 30 and have moved back home since covid.
My dad is still alive but isn't equipped to take care of a person like my mother, and I am finding out that I am not either.
My mother has never taken care of herself and has always been an emotional loose cannon. She is a recovering alcoholic and former drug addict. She is a teacher for 8th graders and really struggles just keeping up with her job. A few years back she just up and started basically living on the couch in our (former) family room. She refuses to move into the spare bedroom in my house or sleep in her old bed room. She rarely showers and has a lot of trouble standing and walking places. She is heavily medicated and take very strong medication at night to make her sleep. The problem there is that she never will just lay down and go to sleep and argues with everything anyone says to her. She tries tocook and drive too. Now she is complaining that the couch she sleeps on isn't big enough but we literally just bought that a year ago and she was the one that chose it. I think buying another couch is just putting a band aid on the real problem.
Currently things just keep getting worse and worse. She is constantly crying and confused. Her job is way too much for her to handle. Being a teacher now a days is hard for anyone let alone someone with focus and physical ailments. Me my father and my aunt constantly beg her to go on disability retirement but she refuses that too because she believes we need the money she makes from her nice teaching salary. We try to tell her that we will figure the money out but again she won't listen. She just comes up with a different excuse every time.
I am realizing that I can't take this anymore. I have dealt with her my whole life she has set my family back so many times I can't even count. I don't know that I can just abandon her and especially my father who doesn't deserve any of this at all. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel because she is so young that I doubt I can shove her in a home and she probably won't die for years. Which is yet another issue that I have to deal with the fact that I think I want my mother to just die so she will stop being in so much pain and me my father and younger brother can finally live normally peaceful lives. The guilt of these feelings is eating me from the inside out. I wish that New Jersey was a Death with Dignity State sometimes because I think she is ready to throw into he towel too.
Sorry for such a long post. I just don't know what to do anymore. Should I just leave? Should I just tough it out. I have my own life to live but taking care of her is affecting all favors of my life. Not to mention that aside from having a steady income my mother has never really been a healthy presence in my life. Does anyone have any advice for this lost cause?
All this while, I am trying to get this teacher investigated--for everyone's good.
Yup--one day he went 'crazy' and my daughter ran out of the class, quickly followed by the rest of this class. He was screaming and throwing things, books, scissors, whatever he could grab.
It was just LUCKY he didn't lay hands on someone--he was placed on leave and then eased into early retirement. Never came back.
This was INCREDIBLY scary for my daughter--even though she was 16 when it happened.
Right now, tensions are so high, and my heart (while feeling for you mom's pain) is really with the students. Your mom has no place teaching anymore.
Help in getting her help and then protect yourself by not being her primary CG. At only 57--she could easily live 30+ more years.
You need to go. Go to a friend’s house. Stay on their couch until you can get an apartment of your own.
You can’t wreck your life because of your Mom’s decisions.
I am praying for you.
Sorry to add that statement onto your plate, but it's the truth. She has no business working anymore, especially in the field of education.
I agree with Daughterof1930.........your mother is your father's responsibility, not yours. It's not that you don't 'care'...........it's just too much for you to take on. She needs a full medical evaluation, retirement from her job, and maybe even placement in a care facility or at least rehab to get her back on her feet. Nobody can make that determination, however, except medical professionals. Make that suggestion to your father, and then leave the situation to move on with your own life. If your mother falls or becomes incoherent, your dad can call 911 & have her taken to the ER for a psych evaluation. That may be his best bet. And, while nobody 'deserves' a spouse in such condition, he's the one who took the marriage vows & is choosing to care for her. He can also choose to divorce her, or place her, or any number of different things, none of which YOU have control over, in reality. Let your dad know you will always be there to support him, of course, and be his shoulder to lean on. You just can't stay living in the house anymore and need to move on with your own life.
My father chose to stay with my mother, who is beyond difficult in a number of ways, for 68 years. I never was able to understand it, really, but it was HIS choice, you know? So he bore the burden of her personality and her issues & her chronic illnesses and 'nervousness', etc. Now that he passed away in 2015, she's my burden to bear and I'll say it again: I have NO IDEA how he did it. She lives in a Memory Care Assisted Living though, so that's something.
I don't know that you're 'wishing your mother dead' as much as you are wishing for a resolution to her chronic suffering and chronic issues. Who wouldn't feel that way? My mother is 94 this month, and has suffered one issue after another for my entire life, and I'm 63. It's exhausting. There isn't a day goes by I don't pray for God to take her.......for her life of suffering here on Earth to end, so she can move to the next phase of existence where peace prevails. That's nothing to feel guilt over............it's a wish for peace for ALL concerned. But mostly for HER.
I wish you peace, my friend, although I know it's not likely you'll find it with this situation bearing down on you. You can't escape it, even if you move out, and that's the truth. But, by moving out, you're not exposed to it AS MUCH, and that's something. More 'you time' and less worry and stress in general.
Sending you a big hug and a prayer for a good resolution to a big mess.
Those things will buy you time, force her into some psychiatric care, and enable all of you to breathe for a few days before making big decisions
It sounds like she has long term mental health issues.
I really do not have any solutions for you, the situation is untenable, but how can your dad manage for much longer?
Why did she move into the family room? Was she disturbing Dad at night?
From whom is she getting her medication? Do her doctors know that she is taking so much?
A couple other thoughts. At 57 your Mum most likely has reached menopause (12 months since her last period). The hormone fluctuations can continue for a long time and lead to a number of symptoms, not limited to, difficulty sleeping, emotional outbursts (anger, tears or other), brain fog, night sweats, hot flashes and more. It is a challenging phase of life. Has your Mum had any hormone testing? I know for me, Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) has been a godsend. I sleep, I can manage my emotions, brain fog is still an issue at times, but it is much better than before.