My grandmother has 3 daughters and 10 grandkids in total. She has been living on her own for the past 14 years but as the year goes by, she has been diagnosed with lots of different illnesses that requires her to be on medication. She is suspected to have Dementia as well.
I have been my grandma's primary caregiver since I was 14 years old. I'm the one who keeps track of her medications and her appointments and the one who brings her out and the one who buys her meals.
None of her daughters care or even bother to do anything to help her. They push all the responsibility to me. I am currently working full time and my work requires me to OT very often which makes caring for my grandma very difficult. I'm also spending almost half of my salary on my grandma which is causing things to be quite stressful for me.
I've tried talking to my mom to get her to take responsibility but it seems useless. Does anybody has any good suggestions on getting my mom and relatives to all take responsibility and chip in to help?

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Your grandmother has three daughters of her own. None of them are willing to take care of her or even help out. Nine out of her ten grandchildren refuse to help as well.
Your grandmother is the reason why they refuse to help with her caregiving.
Start by having a serious talk with your mother. Enter this conversation assuming that you have a very different relationship with your grandmother than mom or your aunts do. Then let her speak and more importantly, make sure you LISTEN. I'm pretty sure if you have a sit-down like this with your mom and your aunts, you'll learn the reasons why they won't take care of grandmother. You will also find that they will be valid reasons.
On another point, you should not be spending any of your salary on grandmother's needs. Financially supporting her is not your responsibility. It's hers. If she lives in such poverty that she can't afford to provide for herself and also if she's elderly the government will subsidize her.
There is nothing you or anyone else can do or say to make your family take on the caregiving for your grandmother. There is no way they will take it on willingly. The situation is always far worse when people are forced into caregiving for a person they do not want to do it for.
There are several possible solutions for your situation.
Homecare help can be hired for grandmother. That will be a help.
She can be placed in assisted living, a senior community, or even a nursing home. Of course the family must be made aware that if this is the way it's going to go, all of her money and assets will go towards her facility expenses. Sometimes realization that there will be loss of a potential inheritance opens people's hearts to the idea of becoming caregivers to their elderly "loved ones".
Grandmother is not your one hundred percent your responsibility. It's wonderful that you're stepping up and helping her, but you need help too. I hope one of these ideas will be a possible solution for you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to BurntCaregiver

Does anyone have POA for grandma. If so this is the person you need to talk to. This is the person who can set her up with Long term Care. With 3 daughters they should be caring for Mom to the point they are making sure her needs are met.

What is it that you are paying for? Does grandma live in her own home? If her income is not enough to keep the house going, maybe time to sell. Using the money for an Assisted living or spending it down paying for a Nursing home. When the money runs out, tgen Medicaid is applied for.

Maybe APS is a good idea or Office of Aging. May try O if A first. Ask for a needs assessment. Then you have something in writing to take to Mom and her sisters. In the meantime, tell them now you are required to work overtime that you can continue to do thi gs for Grandma. That you also can't keep paying for things for her. Its effecting you needing to pay your own bills.
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Reply to JoAnn29

When I was in a similar situation, the potential helpers fell into several different categories. Three of these categories are:
1. People who honestly did not know or understand how much help I was providing to the elder.

2. People who knew how much help I was providing and how burned out I was, but insisted that I wasn't being efficient and the excessive work was really my own fault. These people would give me time management suggestions - which was insulting.

3. The last group would be the people who plain did not care. This group included at least one of her children. I was killing myself caring for elder, but as long as I was still living and doing stuff... no one saw a true problem.

I waited until elder was safe (in the hospital in my case) and I stopped doing for her. If I wouldn't have stopped, I firmly believe that I would have had a heart attack or stroke and THAT would have stopped me. Guess what? No one in the family stepped in to care for her. Elder went to a facility where she has done well and remains to this day. If you can't do it, then you can't do it. I couldn't do it - and I finally had to admit that to myself and I shifted my focus to selling her house, etc. Elder needs will become more and more as time goes, so please consider that as well as none of us knows what the future holds.
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Reply to Mysteryshopper

First I have to say that you should not be having to spend any of your money on your grandmother. Any of her needs should be coming out of her funds. Your money is for your needs and wants alone.
Then I will say that unfortunately you have allowed this to go on for way too long. Until you put your foot down, set some boundaries, and tell your family that your caregiving days are over, they have no reason to step up, as you've been the willing participant all these years, so they haven't had to.
So it's now time to put your big girl panties on, and let your family know that you are giving your 2 week notice, and that you will no longer be responsible for your grandmas care. They will then have no choice but to step up. But as long as you're in the picture, you will continue to be used by them, so stand strong and follow through with what you say you're going to do. There's nothing worse than an empty threat. Best wishes.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to funkygrandma59

The advice already given here is valid but it leaves out the emotional aspect, no doubt you love your grandma and don't want to abandon her to a family that has demonstrated how little they care. But changing this dynamic doesn't have to be about your needs vs hers, by getting her any available financial assistance (would she qualify for a medicaid waiver program?) to bring in caregivers or move to an appropriate facility you both benefit.
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Reply to cwillie

You are being used.

Save your money. Make plans to move out and move on.

I suspect your family will only understand actions, not words.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn

NO ONE can “push all the responsibility” to you or to anyone else, without being allowed to do so. Unfortunately, YOU must assume the responsibility for taking charge of YOUR WELFARE and speaking up.

Say this “I will not be able to take care of Grandma any more. I am spending my money on her care, and that is not why I work. As of (date) I will not be available to do the following…..(list the tasks you are doing now).

Then turn off your phone and make yourself scarce.

This will be hard for you to do, but if you are unable to do it now, this will continue until Grandma dies.

You decide.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to AnnReid

Tell your mom and she siblings, the other grandchildren if they are nearby as well that you can not take this on any longer.
You could take 1 day a week IF YOU WANT TO.
Taking care of her is not YOUR responsibility.
If telling them that you can't do this by yourself, or anymore then STOP.
Contact local Agency on Aging and report the situation.
Once you stop helping you could contact APS and file a neglect report...if no one steps in to help.
Again this is not your responsibility and there is no reason that others can't step in...and they won't because you are doing it all.
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Reply to Grandma1954

You can't make anyone do what they are not willing to do. Instead you need to establish boundaries and realize you are going above and beyond, and You deserve your life. You need your work to be able to afford your old age.

Time to move on and make yourself the highest priority in your life. Family will not be happy with you, you have let them call all the shots about your life for much too long.

Get a plan and get out of there. If family will not step up, contact Adult Protective Services, they will help with a plan for grandma once you leave, if they determine grandma really needs help.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to gladimhere

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