No where to run. Any advice? -

No where to run. Any advice?


I been living with my blind and elderey mother for 8 years now, sincwe I am the oldest and single I am her home caere provider. My dad left her 26 years ago but stills keeps in touch making things more difficult for me because she still in love with him. My dad had 3 more children, with another woman. My mom hates them, when my older step brother had a baby she called it the bastard grandchild. I love my brother and his baby girl my niece and had been helping out with her care. My mother is furious and is always making horrible comments about me and is accussing me of abusing her because I don' t agree with her hateful feelings and ideas. She is more piss because I don't go to church with her and is now blaming the 3 month old baby. She acts nice around them but as soon as they leave she spits her venom. I don't have a place to go. I am desperate and worry about the things she is telling other people my brother worries that she might get me is trouble with social services. Please advice me.

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an aps lady snottily told me i should be shouldering some of the bills while living with mom. i didnt even bother telling her that the caregiving had gotten so intense that i was cutting steel at a junkyard a mile from home for 5 bucks an hour and since the junkyard was failing i wasnt even getting the 5 bucks very often. i was close to home and could check on mom several times a day, thats what mattered.
dont worry about aps, they deal exclusively with demented and often bitter ( and lying ) elders. mostly theyre looking for neglected elders . dont let aps or anyone push you around. an elder advocate would be worthless if they didnt stand up to challenge from any source..
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What exactly are you afraid of your blind, elderly mother doing to you? Calling APS? And then what?

As Book says, and she knows her stuff, "document, document, document." If your mother is fine and there is no problem, APS will have no problem.

The venom, the bitterness, the two-faced sugar/bile thing… your mother has a legitimate grievance, don't you think? It isn't as if you don't know why she feels and behaves as she does. How warm and fuzzy do you expect her to feel towards her husband's mistress and their illegitimate offspring?

But you don't have to agree with her. And you don't have to stop trying to reconcile her to the reality of her life, if you think that's the right thing to do. When she says something nasty, reply "I'm sure you do think so, mother" - acknowledging her comment without agreeing with it, is what you're after.

And she's asking you to take sides. Well, when she says things like "how can you do this to me? Cosying up to that bastard and his brat?" you can reply "I love you, mother, but I don't take sides. You know that."

But, now, then. The continuing rage and desperate hope your mother feels is bad FOR HER. Don't be tempted, by the way, to try to get your father to stop stringing her along: it won't work, for all sorts of reasons - his ego, his guilt, her deriving pleasure from his attention to name only three. What might help is a space where she can metaphorically howl. Seek advice. Get a counsellor, get a minister, get family therapy. Something. She needs to get this spleen vented.
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Protect yourself now. Start a daily journal. Log down what her day was like, breakfast, lunch, dinner, when she bathed, if she fell or almost fell, etc... Document, document, document. I forgot to do this with my father. I only started last year to keep his receipts (I have access to his bank account).

This year, he's beginning to accuse me of stealing from him and that I'm a bad daughter. I still don't have the strength to do a journal. So, I post things here, copy and paste it on my journal...when I remember... That is my fear that he will call the cops and accuse me of all these things. Thank goodness he's gaining weight (not starving him) and his bank account has tripled since I took over (not stealing if it tripled) and not behind with any of the bills.

Just protect yourself by reading on this site the different discussions. I have learned a lot these past 2 years when I found this site. I read things that didn't apply to me but it made me aware of what can happen if father ever reached that stage.

Don't be surprised that she Is accusing you behind your back to others. Father did that for years. I always wondered why people told me that I should do MORE (yet I have 7 siblings who did not help at all these past years of caregiving mom.) I was so hurt when i found out that a govt caregiver approached my brother to ask about me because my father was complaining about me behind my back.

If you want to leave, and mom has not been declared incompetent, then perhaps you can find a steady caregiver to visit the home so that you can move out. Hard to say. What do YOU want to do? Stay? Or Go?
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You absolutely do have somewhere to go. Look for a job as a live in housekeeper - not a caregiver for the elderly but a housekeeper for a family. You will get room and board and a small salary. Leave your siblings to deal with her.
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