Hi, I put all my info about the situation in my profile.
Long story short, Susan my neighbor is disabled and should ideally be
in an ALF. She outlived her spouse and subsequent partner, which is how I met her. Her only family are two much older siblings who live several hours away and she insists they would put her in a nursing home. I met them once, almost two years ago and pulled the brother aside asking him to step in and help. He agreed she is vulnerable, but nothing came of it.
I took Susan to our local Texas state elderly care services office and she sat down with a counselor who told her she being on Medicare and her income being $ 2,900 a month, she does not qualify for any state assistance. She would have to pay for home care service out of pocket. She is only eligible for nursing home placement. Susan owns her own small home outright, the counselor advised her to avoid the nursing home route as she seems okay to live at home for now. I got Susan on Life Alert because she uses a walker and falls sometimes. I cleaned her house of tons of junk and cleared it up for safety purposes. The doctor advised Susan to give up driving due to all the medication she takes. Susan has a housekeeper that comes in once a month to deep clean and someone else to do yard work.
Susan asked me to help her out in exchange for $250. I take her to Walmart once a month, prescriptions twice a month, dinner three times a week, scheduled doctor appointments which vary and any errands she needs, all using her car and I carry her credit card with me. I also collect her mail and take out her trash. The toughest for me are the dinners, she is a very picky eater and refuses to get Meals on Wheels. I only cook for her occasionally because she does not like the same kind of food as me and it is just too much work. She likes a particular flavored water that I have to go out and hunt down because it is not always stocked at Walmart. She insists the dinner be served hot between 5 and 6 pm. This led to me getting hit in her car from behind in traffic after a few months. The accident report, reporting to her insurance company, etc. I just blew up this summer and yelled that I can't be her damn Fairy Godmother all the time. I said it was too much, and she said she would pay me $ 500 so I stayed on.
I told her that I am having financial issues and that I need to get a full time job and that maybe a room mate would help. She asked me to find her a room mate, I placed an ad on Craigslist and have referred two women to call her, not sure how that will turn out. She called a church and now I have to take her to that church on Monday at 2 pm to interview a possible person to replace me. THEN Susan called me back and said I have to take her the next day, Tuesday to the hospital for a procedure. I blew up, frustrated mad because I need to work for myself to get money to pay my own bills. I do not make anywhere near what Sue makes and I have a mortgage. My own financial situation is dwindling and I am scared. I have no idea if she will find a replacement but I hope she does. She chronically complains she has no money, I have no idea what she spends it on. She refuses to ask a banker to sit down and help her with her checkbook. She would gladly keep the money she pays me if I didn't need it so much.
The only way to stop this one-sided, predatory relationship is to just tell her that you can no longer help her. However, I suspect she's the kind of person who would retaliate. You don't have to provide any excuses, but from your description, she's persistent and will try to out talk you to break down your defenses.
So, If you think she'll spy on you and notice that your car is still at home, then tell her you have a new job allowing you to work from home, and that you can no longer have the time to help her. If she ups her stipend, advise her that you need medical and other benefits. In fact, you could even give her a list of every benefit you need, including that she'd have to be responsible for deductions and sending them to the IRS (and state, if applicable). You might even focus on the fact that you need medical benefits of your own and since she can't afford to provide them, you need a real job.
She WILL try to manipulate and find your weakness and play on it, so be prepared.
Think up rationale to counter everything she might say, and make sure that you keep receipts, etc. in the event she makes some kind of legal compliant or claims financial abuse, or whatever. People this manipulative can't be trusted.
I suspect some of the problems she claimed are fictitious, and that she's learned over the years how to manipulate people.
If you think of other justifications, use them, but remember that YOU are the only one responsible for you, and you're NOT responsible for her.
In the meantime, find activities that build your self esteem as it's been depleted by your neighbor.
If you must leave on the 1st and you are certain Susan is along than provide her with the number of Adult Protective Services in your town.
I am very sorry you got into this problem. But it is a learning experience. You cannot fix everything and not everything can be fixed. So sorry for all you are going through, and all she is going through, but this is no answer.
Meanwhile, it is time to get out and get that job. For this is a mutual dependency that is going nowhere good.
Someone always needs a job. She will find someone and you are off the hook!
Have you told her that you will stay until she hires someone else? Set a time frame, then leave.
I read your profile. Codependent relationships never work. They are unhealthy. You are miserable.
She needs a lot of care. You do not have a compatible relationship. You eat different foods. She is impatient and unreasonable when you are running food errands for her.
I understand her frustrations of being dependent on others but as you say, you do not have the capability of being someone’s fairy godmother. Fairy godmothers live in fairytales.
I am sorry that your neighbor has no one else. You said that you have tried speaking to her sibling and all he did was acknowledge her situation. He did not offer to help.
I don’t think it is her siblings responsibility to help her. They are elderly themselves.
If her siblings wanted to help they would ask what she needed and offered help so that is most likely a dead end road. It’s nice if siblings care for one another but most people can’t rely on their siblings.
You are right to want to resume your ‘real’ life and hopefully she will realize that fairy godmothers are only in a make believe world so the next caregiver will have a more pleasant atmosphere to work in.
Stick to your guns. Don’t allow her to convince you to stay even if she increases the money like she did before. You don’t want to be her caregiver. Find work that you enjoy.
Best wishes to you.
You are okay if you could only help a little back when you volunteered, but that time is past. It is okay to withdraw, quit completely, and tell her so.
She has resources to get help, and a housekeeper who can arrange for help or do more herself, perhaps.
If you do not want to quit, and feel compelled to keep this up, but it is making you angry, ask yourself what is it that you are getting out of this dysfunctional relationship?
I agree, you should be able to enjoy your job, enjoy your life. Sometimes the only way to do that is to disconnect entirely from a relationship. But, you don't have to. It will feel like you are withdrawing from drugs, alcohol, any addiction.
So you can keep doing it, or not. Give yourself 90 days to recover from the drama, and enjoy not being abused by someone.
Get her an eldercare attorney. She can set up a Miller Trust to become eligible for Medicaid.
You are so gracious to answer back in appreciation of the suggestion to putting a note on the mirror, and practicing stating: "I cannot possibly do that".
And you are exactly right about the anger that you experience, it is not good for you and it is a symptom that there is a problem.
I know someone who started a business (very successful) driving seniors. She had boundaries, and would shop along with the senior, but only drove, no caregiving. If you are someone who is good with boundaries, maybe that could be your job, picking your own clients and hours.
You are not being paid enough to meet all of your neighbor's needs. Agreeing to a monthly stipend may be the problem, if it is not based upon the minimum per hour you should be getting. (20/hr.?)
If you can list your chores, when, where, and cut out a few errands, like dinners, this could work. Do you feel that your neighbor respects you, your boundaries,
and would pay you what the job is worth. OR, do you think that now she is paying you more, her demands are increasing, and that she is just too needy, maybe using you. Ask yourself, are you running a charity, and can you afford it? Can you limit helping her to 4 times a month?
Hoping you can find the answer.
You wanted to assist but her needs grew & keep growing.
Now she relies on you. You are overwhelmed & feeling resentful. You find yourself providing her assisted living arrangement, in her home. This works for her. This does not work for you.
Time for a new type of assisted living for her.
For us it started with a friend of mines Mother. An occasional Drs. Appt in DE. Because of lost sight in her left eye, she did feel comfortable driving over the bridge. Then because of GFs health issues, her retired husband had to go back to work to pay her bills. New Co. wouldn't allow him to take off for GFs appt. (juvenile diabetic) So DH volunteered to drive her van for lab and Dr. visits in DE. Then her 25 yr old daughter contracted Thyroid cancer. We were asked if we would now transport her. The final nail was the oldest daughter (in her 30s) returning home and GF asking us to transport her. I put my foot down here. Daughter has friends who can take her.
During this whole time none of them tried to find doctors in NJ. I worked a week on and a week off. In one month, I had appts for them 3x a week. I got over whelmed. What got me out of it was babysitting my grandson. Then caring for my Mom. My friend husband lost his job so drove his family around. GF passed because of complications from being a juvenile diabetic. I know I should have visited with the mother but I was afraid of being sucked back in. And it is really hard to say no when ur retired.
You need to get that job. I also suggest that when u do, call APS and ask if they can do a well check on her.
Firstly, do you want to keep assisting her? Be a small part of her team? With more boundaries & clarity around what you will do or won't do? Eg: be her driver ONE affernnon a week. (Susan must arrange the rest of her week?)
Or do you want completely out? Back to just a neigbour?
You are teetering on burnout.
I would give your neighbor a deadline to hire your replacement and notify her sibling that as of said date you will no longer be her caregiver.
Please move on with your life, and allow her to use some of her time arranging her own life.
I am considering retirement myself & thought I would volunteer & fill in my time helping older elderly in my town with errands. Well, your post has show me how this can mushroom into total reliance.
Good Luck!
It does sound like you are burned out and I would recommend getting out of that relationship. That kind of dependence that can kill your relationship as neighbors. I wish you the best of luck.
I am so sorry you are going through this, all from a loving and giving spirit of service to help a neighbor in need.
You have indeed gone well above and beyond to try and help her, but you are now in danger of putting yourself in marital, legal, and financial jeopardy as a result. One person cannot and should not try help her alone. As someone mentioned above, it takes a team and it takes money to do so.
Many here have discussed the need to distance yourself from her and regain your own life. The best way to deal with a situation like this is to pray for strength to be bold and courageous with your neighbor and set your own clear boundaries with her, as a few people above have mentioned. You can still help, if you decide, but in much more limited ways.
A great resource to help in learning how to take back control of your life, set boundaries with others, and regain yourself esteem is the best seller book “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend.
You can Search Google to find many of their podcasts and videos, as well. They have an inexpensive paperback version as well as a workbook that is helpful.
Amazon Link (not an affiliate link):
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_Sr57DbVXFMG0B
I pray you will find this helpful and are able to regain your own life in the process.
You can decide the amount of money it's worth to you and if an arrangement can be made. Good.
Her best bet would be to hire a Live In and if she goes on Care.com could find one for $500 a month.
She would furnish them a bedroom, bathroom and furnish their food.
And if there were I don't know that I would trust them.
Spelling out what you will do, when and for how much. Any hours worked past what is spelled out would be overtime pay.
Figure at least minimum wage, or what you could get paid doing what you have done in the past.
She also needs to properly report the income, take taxes and all the rest of the legal stuff this is so this job will be reflected in your Social Security quarters.
It might be possible that when she realizes how much she will be paying you she might decide to hire someone else.
In your background, you mention that she received a large payout a few years back, and had no recollection of it. It is entirely possible, that when her siblings question her . . . .she will not recall "Giving you permission" to use the card! What a pickle you will be in there! As another poster mentioned - make it your number one priority to pay that back, use checks and make copies so that you have a perfect record of it - you are going to need it.
Stand up for yourself. In my opinion you have two choices: either write up a contract with her and learn the word "No", or quit and stop answering her phone calls.
You have your own financial issues. Get yourself a roommate to share expenses.
You do not have the time, energy or resources to waste on solving this woman's problems.
Work on your resume and go to a temp agency. You can earn $500 working as a temp until you find a full-time job. An employment agency may even help you with your resume to highlight your hard skills that they know are in demand.
Go to the library and check out the resources available to you. Make a plan for yourself. Letting this neighbor take advantage of you for $500 a month while you are on the verge of financial ruin is not a plan.
It would be great if you could escape.
Have Susan call Senior Services Organization(s) for references about medical transportation, Have her find a Home Health Care Agency for hiring a part time helper. If she schedules appointments and errands with part time hired help in mind, $500/month might cover most of that. She will have to schedule things, like the church interview, within the limits of when she has a helper. She is probably used to calling on you whenever something comes up, but you are not longer available on call.
Accommodating her picky eating might require that Susan pays for prepared food delivery--things catered to order, not Meals on Wheels. She will say that's too expensive, but she's the one being picky. She'll either have to pay or cook it herself. Groceries can be delivered. (Yep. More money, Susan, but that's the way it is.)
Susan may complain that these arrangements will cost more than the $500 month she pays you, but that is not your problem.
You need to reserve most of your week to finding a better paying job.