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So, my partners grandfather died 4 years ago. He was good enough to leave his wife quite a bit of money to ensure she was well looked after. Unfortunately since then she has changed completely, i would definitely say she has the onset of alzheimers, constantly repeating herself, forgetting what shes done the previous day the extreme example is she has a set of instructions on how to make a cup of tea taped to her cupboard door. Rotting food has been found in her fridge and she never has any food in. When she was quite young she was involved with another man and he got back in contact after her husband passed away. It seemed innocent even sweet at first, but then she began telling us about the things she had bought for him... A car, a boat amongst other things and now we have discovered she has next to no money left. Now i have known this woman for 4 years and her house is payed up she has only a few bills to pay and doesn't really spend anything other than that. The bills she pays wouldn't have used up all the money she was left and she still gets her pension every week. The problem we have is she refuses anyones help, she has refused to let someone create a joint bank account with her so they can help her with her money, she wont move out her house and she lives quite far away from the family so shes all alone with her cat. We're kind of at our wits end as shes now denying that she gave any money to this man even though shes told me, my partner and his siblings about what she has bought multiple times. She claims she has been to the doctors, then she said she never went and now shes saying that shes been cleared of any memory problems which none of us believe. We dont know what to do for the best without upsetting her or going behind her back. The problem is most of us work or have children to look after and so cant keep a good enough eye on her to see if she has been to the doctors or what money shes spending now. We have debated going to the police but were wondering if she'll deny it all and if they'll even be able to do anything. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

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Go see the attorney responsible for administering the will and estate of her husband.
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I think my heart is going to break if I read one more sad story like this one, and there IS already another one I've seen just today on another thread about recognizing dementia too late to save the financial situation. This woman has severe dementia and given the lack of POA and refusal to accept help you have to face the sad fact that she cannot manage her own affairs, document that up the ying yang in any every way possible (photos of rotting food, back records you can find, anything) lawyer up and and go to court. She will hate you, she will blame you, she will accuse you of being after her money though she has none, because her judgement is not just going, it is gone. She'd fall for a Nigerian prince on the Internet at this point. But she needs this done for her nevertheless. I do not envy you, what lies ahead is hard and probably thankless.

There might be a remote chance the lovey would do something resembling the right thing if he knows what is really happening to her and that she cannot afford these gifts, but there is unfortunately an even better chance he is deliberately soaking her for all she's worth for as long as he thinks he can get away with it. I would probably not approach him until you have a guardianship to avoid him trying to get it instead or trying to clean out whatever other assets he can before the party's over.
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I would seek the advice of her local Area Agency on Aging. Or simply call Adult Protective Services and report as a vulnerable elder who can't look after herself.
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Do you know if she has a designated Durable Power of Attorney or HealthCare POA? If so, I would alert them of the situation and let them handle trying to get her to a doctor and get the doctor on board with getting her diagnosed. She may deny it, but there are ways to look into her mental state and finances to assure she's sound. It sounds like it's too late to worry about going behind her back or upsetting her. Something is not right and it sounds like she really needs some intervention. People with mental decline or dementia, if that's what she has, don't normally realize it. They think they are fine, but in fact may be living with extreme risks to their safety and welfare.

If she doesn't have a DPOA or HCPOA, then I think I would let my Partner handle it. You may be close, but I would let him make the moves, since it's his grandmother. He or someone has to intervene immediately and here's why. There could have been fraud or financial abuse that can be investigated and her money returned. I would not delay, in case they can help get her money back.

Also, due to the decline that you describe, it's not safe for her to be alone. She could eat spoiled food, mistake meds, allow strangers in the house, forget to pay things like life insurance, car insurance, water and light bill, etc. There could be dire consequences.

Ways to intervene include her doctor, adult protective services, or filing a petiton with the courts for guardianship. I would suggest that your partner or whoever is going to intervene to consult with an Elder Law attorney who regularly handles cases involving Incompetency and Guardianships for advice on the options, the time required, the evidence you need and how much it will cost.
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