I took a leave of absence from work to move in with my parents for several months after my mom had 2 surgeries. I returned to work and I go over twice a week to help with various chores and anything they need.
My siblings agree that I would care for them (one or both) in their home should the need arise. The problem is… my parents refuse to discuss POA! They are financially well off and agree that they would like to be cared for in their home.
If something happens, will I be able to make financial and medical decisions on their behalf?????
You will become a care slave while your parents refuse to pay for or allow hired help in the home and refuse to go into a managed care home when you burn out . BTDT.
Read under the burn out section , the nightmares of those of us who attempted to take care of one or two parents in their home without a parent allowing any help in to give their adult child a break .
As far as medical decisions without POA, as next of kin you will be asked to make decisions if your parent is unresponsive or unable to communicate .
Do NOT promise to never place them in a home . You should not give up your job , or your own home . Caregiving should be on the caregiver’s terms . You decide how much or how little you do . Often when parents are in the home they treat you as the child and believe they call the shots .
Caregivers in a situation as you describe suffer financially , mentally , emotionally , physically etc .
Your parents are finacially well off . They should pay for care . Of course your siblings agree that you would take care of parents. That leaves them off the hook while they wait for inheritance .
Unless you are independently wealthy or expect to get a huge inheritance that will see you through until the end of your life, do not quit your job.
You will regret it.
Try to keep some perspective and do not fall on your sword thinking that you need to sacrifice your future wellbeing for them.
If your parents are well off, they need to pay for any care they need. You should not have to quit a job, leave your home or family.
You stop going over there to help. You tell them neither you or other family will go over there to help until they both assign someone as PoA. Remind them that they get to decide what activates the authority. PoA is a legal protection for them. If you take them to an elder law attorney, the attorney will tell them it's typically 1 official medical diagnosis of sufficient impairment, so they have that protection.
Then the attorney can tell them what normally happens to compromised elders who have no PoA: their families are forced to call APS who then puts them on track for a court-appointed 3rd party guardian who then makes all their decisions and is under no obligation to consult family about it. Everyone will be immediately locked out of accounts, the house, etc. and they will be transitioned into a facility.
Or, you and siblings will be forced to pursue guardianship yourselves, which will be both time-consuming, expensive and stressful for everyone. Ask your parents why they would make their children go through this. They will have no power to change this. The power they have is now, and in assigning a PoA.
Maybe have them read some of the posts by distressed adult children who are living out the reality of parents who are impaired and have no PoA. It's a direct path to burnout.
You will need to tell them this is a firm boundary. They will get angry and demanding. Hopefully they will come around. But if they have the resources then they can hire out all the help they need -- and manage it themselves as well. But if you and siblings keep inserting yourselves, they will continue refusing. They need an object lesson.
If you are able to get the in to an attorney, they will interview your parents privately and individually to assess for "capacity" to create a PoA and also to make sure they are not being coerced. This is how it went with me and my very elderly Aunt whenever I took her in to see her CELA (certified elder law attorney). My Aunt also made a Will and I was also the Executor. Hopefully your parents at least have a Will? And a Advance Healthcare Directive?
If you think your parents are cognitively impaired, even if it is mild they can still probably create a PoA, since the bar is low for the "capacity" standard. But if your parents are being uncharacteristically paranoid, then they may already be in the moderate stage.
The goal is to get them in to a CELA, and once they both assign a PoA and create the other critical protective documents, they go for their free Medicare annual wellness exam and they must take the cognitive/memory test. Be in the room for this so you can know the outcome. Or, create a medical portal for each of them and check test results through it.
I wish you success in getting them to do what's best for everyone.
Ummm, what about you? Do YOU agree to put your life on hold indefinitely?
As the other posters have said, I wouldn't put myself in this situation unless my parents appointed me as financial and heath care POA. Otherwise you're saddled with all the responsibility but no authority, and that's a bad place to be.
Being a caregiver for your parents is HARD ENOUGH even when you do have POA and your parents are perfect angels.
Caregiving is a two way street. The situation has to work for the care giver as well as the care receiver. The person needing the care can no longer call all the shots.
2. Tell their doctors in writing that your parents lack any legal documents and ask doctor to discuss that with them. If doctor tells them it is critical to see an elder law attorney now, they will be more likely to listen to that advice.
3. Tell your parents that if they do not make the necessary legal documents now while they HAVE capacity ((Durable Financial POA,, Living Trust and Pour-Over Will, Advance Health Care Directive, and HIPAA Authorization), then when they need help in the future and they LACK cognitive capacity, family members will have no choice at that time other than to hire an attorney to go to court for the judge to appoint a Guardian or two over their health care and their financial matters. The Guardians (whether family members or Professional Fiduciaries) will then make all the decisions and control your parents’ money and their lives, and your parents will lose control over their own lives and money. And the funds to pay the lawyers and the Guardians will have to be paid by their own funds, not out of the family members funds. The purpose of having documents drafted now is so that your parents can state their wishes while they still can. For instance: “Dad, if you are near death and have to be hooked up to machines in the hospital in order to live, do you want to be on machines, or do you want to be allowed to die naturally with comfort care? You can state your preferences now and make your instructions now by doing your documents now.”
4. Tell your parents that seeing a lawyer NOW and signing legal documents NOW allows your parents to maintain control until they no longer have the capacity to handle their affairs, at which point the documents made now will say what happens then.
5. An elder law attorney will need to meet ALONE with your parents for at least part of the first consultation.
6. Offer to do the research to come up with some names of qualified local elder law attorneys and their addresses, phones, and websites for your parents to explore. The National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys is a resource to find and explore elder law attorneys by zip code or city: www.NAELA.org . You could sit with them and show them the operation of the website on their computer or on a laptop.
If & when they change their mind, you can discuss it.
Until then, take your caregiver hat OFF & stay as your parents adult offspring.
Your time caring for your Mom after her surgeries gave you actually a false sense of what long-term caregiving will be like.
I surmise that you were able to return to work with just weekly visits to your parents means that Mom recuperated well. I am very glad for her and your family about that.
When it's time for long term care, you will be slowly worn down physically, mentally and emotionally, because there is no recuperation for the person you are caring for. Just a slow (or fast) progression of disability and infirmity. That difference in prognosis is HUGE.
Please have another conversation with your siblings and then your parents, where you discuss what back up plan will be made when they need more care than you can provide.
If you don't think caregiver burnout would happen to you, please read the posts made by well meaning, loving caregivers who are overwhelmed.
I know you wrote about not having POA. But I really felt you needed this too.
I ran myself down and out, I had no life, nor did my brother.
The last one just died, my mother at age 100, now she was something else to deal with, she was a nightmare, had been all her life.
Never again, I am glad it is finally over after 6 years, now we have the challenge of putting our lives back together.
No, DPOA, no ability to make any sound decisions for them, you will be putting yourself in a very bad position.
I would be clear to them, if they do not do this, this are on their own, do not agree to be their caregiver.
Don't quite understand why it has been decided that you would be their caregiver, it is a terrible job to take on.
You said they have money, then they should go into AL, just because they want to stay in their home doesn't mean it is a good option for them or anyone. They all want to stay in their homes, read around this site, it may open your eyes.
You must be in control of their finances if you are responsible for their care, whether you hire someone to do it, move them to a residential care facility or do it yourself. (NEVER EVER do hands-on caregiving yourself; your parents have money and should pay for professional caregiving.)
Also, do not accept POA if they insist that you share it equally with sibling(s). No way. Rarely do siblings see caregiving issues eye to eye, and you could end up in a battle over what skilled nursing facility they need or selling their home or about a hundred other large and small issues.
I wish you luck. Unfortunately I've read many posts like yours on here. In order to avoid finding yourself in an untenable situation that you don't want, I suggest they move into a continuum of care facility where the staff knows how to take care of them, entertain them, feed them, and manage their meds 24/7 without help from you. It's clear you love your parents, but you need to love yourself too. This isn't a good road you're on.
"I suggest they move into a continuum of care facility where the staff knows how to take care of them, entertain them, feed them, and manage their meds 24/7 without help from you. It's clear you love your parents, but you need to love yourself too. This isn't a good road you're on."
Gena