Need sibling assistance. How do I get them to give me a day off?

First thing I would do is talk to your siblings and beg them for help. Tell them how badly you need a break/respite. You matter, too!

If that doesn't work, contact Medicaid if you are on it and see if you can get respite care of some kind. Find out what you are eligible for. If you are not on Medicaid, I would work on that.

If that doesn't work, contact your local office for the aging and see if they can help.

I thank everyone for suggestions, recommendations, caring and understanding what I'm going thru. The first step was demanding help, not asking. I just returned from weekend away. Hopefully this won't be the last. I'm looking into assistance outside of family. Bless you all and thank you.

I hate to say it but based on what you are saying, I don't think you will get help from your siblings. Somehow you have got to get a caretaker for the time you need off time. Or you must bring your mother to them - no if's, and's, or but's. You have to get away and you must be forceful. Or find a way to get them to pay.
You must come first and deserve this time off.

Hi I hope you are doing well. I understand caring for a LO because you love the person and you want to provide care. It is not an easy role..it takes time and energy and much of it is not recognized or appreciated by family members who are not 100% involved. It is also very expensive to care for an elderly person at home as there are medical costs, supplies in addition to aide support, if monies are available. At 7months your role is just beginning. For your own sake try to get siblngs involved now to at least contribute to some aide support. Because at a later time they will be even less supportive and question your abilities and act as if they are doing you a favor when helping. Thanks to you, your LO is cared for. It is difficult what you are doing...but it is also special and your kindness will someday be returned to you..in God eyes. Bless you and take care.

Cant she get Medicaid and be put in a nursing home?

Siblings will have to help if and when you drop over and faint! Goodness gracious - you can't continue like it is.

I think mine might help if they thought they would get a bunch of money one day. You can look online for Caregiver Support in your state. Some states have set aside some - not a whole lot per person - to help with respite care, adult daycare. If you can get by financially without all of her social security, then use it to hire someone who works for themselves because they will be less expensive. Good luck

Does mom have any younger relatives who can help you out? My aunt takes my mon a few times a year.. and we take her in for a few

If you have email for every single one of them - send a group letter and a little research before you send the letter.
-Figure out what, exactly, you want from them. A 24 hr day per week, weekends off Fri night to Sun night, a full week per month, etc. Decide. Otherwise, you're going to get something like - I can come Saturday for a couple of hours and the only thing you're going to have time to do is complete personal errands for your mom (grocery, drug store) and absolutely no quality time for yourself.
-Call around to find out what your days off will cost. If you want Fri night to Sun night off and the best deal you can find is $400, include that price in your request.

Then your letter: I've been here for xx amount of time and the past 7 months have required 24/7 care. I need some help. Please get together and work out a calendar of when each of you can come to give me some relief for xx number of days per month. If you cannot come, please decide which one of you will collect the pay needed and pay the XX In-Home Health care company. I want to start this on MMDDYY because of my own health concerns. If I don't get some relief, I am going to have to check on facility care because I cannot do this much longer on my own.

Don't let them do the 1 or 2 hr visit because that will NOT give you a real break. And if that's all they offer tell them you need a REAL break, not a visit. Of course, you have to be aware that you may find putting her in a facility is perfectly acceptable to them and they have no plan to give her any of their time or money. At that point, you have a decision to make.

I had the same situation ! I have 6 other siblings, 5 of whom live out of state. I threatened them and said I would leave Mom ( cuz I could)! So they came up with a plan to pay for a part time caregiver! One is really cheap and has a hard time forking the money, so I said “why don’t we switch places ! You live with mom and I will pay your share ($150 / month )! He immediately sent the money

Is Mom getting Social Security? If so that can be used to pay for Adult Day Care of a few hours of caregiver services a day or every other day.
If she has any other savings use that for her caregivers as well.
If siblings are worried that the inheritance is being spent tell them that it is Mom's money and you are using it for Mom, they can fight over what is left after Mom dies.
As far as the caregiver you do not need a nurse or even a CNA a "companion" caregiver will be sufficient. (Unless she does need special care)
Contact your local Senior Services they may also have options for you that will provide caregiver services. Thees may be based on her income, her level of need and depending on that they will determine how many hours she would get.
If she does qualify and you want more help again resort to her savings to hire someone else for a few more hours.
Some volunteer groups will also provide a volunteer that will come in and sit with her for a few hours so you can get a break.
If Mom is on Hospice she would be able to have a volunteer come in and sit with her for a few hours (with the Hospice I volunteer with it is a maximum of 4 hours). And if she is on Hospice Medicare does pay for 1 week of Respite.
And lastly if she is going to remain in a cast for a while and if she had been walking up to this point you might want to ask the doctor about rehab. She will need it after the cast is removed. In any case it is worth a call to the doctor to see if she would be eligible for a stay in rehab for a while.

Hello,
Find adult daycare in your area, either on a daily or weekly basis.  Inform your siblings of the cost for this and split the cost of this among them, or, alternatively, they need to find time to come and take care of mom for a day or more.  Suggest that the toll this is taking on you will eventually make it impossible for you to take care of mom.

Know how you feel, and I've found with only one out of state sibling and no family in our location or friends to impose on, that one must lower their expectations to the ground when it comes to siblings. Mine can't even respond to a gd email. Then she has the nerve to tell me something about helping hook up my printer to wifi which it is NOT capable of hooking into and how she LIKES doing that sort of thing but knows I DO NOT have the PATIENCE!. (after working all day and then dealing with 2 elders at night and other hours with their needs). Call your local Area Agency On Aging for support and resources including the family caregiver support program. It will at least be something and cover some care for 3 months...

Wife with stage 6 vascular dementia at home. No siblings, only son and daughter in 50's who refuse to help as well as adult grandchildren. All well off and no hardships. Just the way it is. Been 5 years now after stroke and still the only caregiver. Life goes on, it must, live with it.

I agree with Taarna. Your county department of aging can connect you with a lot of different services. If you belong to a church, they may also have some ideas. When my husband needed constant monitoring, I used a combination of generous friends, a caregiving agency, and private pay individuals. If your mom can qualify for Medicaid, they will also give services for respite, but there is a lot of paperwork involved.
Even if your siblings won’t physically help, ask them to pay for a caregiver 2 afternoons or one day each week. Point out to them that this is causing you health issues and if you don’t get respite relief on an on-going basis, you may not be around to help at all. Then it will ALL be on them. Statistically, caregivers get ill more often than the general population. It is in their best interest to have you healthy!

No one is a 24 hour nurse/caregiver. You have needs for sleep, for nutrition, for healthcare, and for respite. Talk to your doctor - or your mom's doctor - to start getting social services you desperately need. Contact all the folks in your county and federal for help you can find - churches, department on aging, social security, outreach programs...

If your mom still needs a cast for her leg, maybe she qualifies for inpatient rehab services or a rehab/physical therapy evaluation. She may be capable of doing more activities that you do for her. It's hard to "not help" but in her best interests to let her work harder towards doing more for herself.

Ask your siblings for help, but have a list of tasks that they could help with: clean the house 1 day a week, take mom out for lunch once a week, take mom out for a haircut every 6-8 weeks, watch mom for a couple hours so you can do the shopping alone....

Have you asked your siblings the direct question “ will you take care of Mom this date so I can get a break?” I did not ask directly so my husband did and my brother took Mom for two weeks. It was the only break I got for 7 long years. Just be direct and maybe someone will step up and help.

My quick answer is they will NOT help.Moned MIL in with us, going on 2 years and FINALLY getting a day off the daily merry go round. In my case 1 SIL moved 1200 miles away, other one is 25 mins away, closest one has more excuses why she can't help. Check with senior services, catholic charities, united way for possible respite care. Also check with your local hospital's social worker who assists with elder patients, they are also a great source of information and contacts.

You've gotten great answers here and I can only add that my mother lives with me and my family. I could not count on my siblings to do more than visit with her so I hired outside help.

If your mother receives social security use it for caregivers. If she has savings, use it for caregivers. When it runs out apply for Medicaid, if you want to keep caring for her there are Medicaid waivers where you can be paid for being her caregiver if you live with her. I don't know how much that pay is or how many hoops you have to jump through for all of that but there are options depending on your state. Check out the Medicaid.gov site

Just please don't wait for your siblings to step up.

I asked about how you got into the situation of caring for your mother be cause as an only child I have no siblings to ask for help. With that said there would be no way I could have my father live with me. I have a two story home with gas appliances and no first floor bedroom. I work full time and could not quit my job to care for him. I could not leave him alone in my home and I could not be there to watch him. What would have happened to your mother if you did not live in the same town? What would have been her options?

Please contact Area Council on Aging, Catholic Charities, Care Connection, United Way, Alzheimer's Association, Sheltering Arms....All of these places have senior services and better answers for primary caregivers like yourself. You have to make sure you are healthy, so your can be healthy for her. I am going thru a very similar situation. I reached out to agencies and her grandchildren. They are more receptive for some reason. Sending prayers.

My mom fell 5 months ago. Neither one of my siblings have ever helped out. The one sister that I am closer to knew about my situation. I got up the nerve to ask what day she was available to help me. My sister actually stepped up. Even though it' was only one day at first she offered another day. I guess she saw how hard it was for me. Just ask them as a group what day can you take to help me out with mom? I wish I had asked a long time ago. With you all the best.

Make those calls suggested. If Mom has money, use it for an aide. If not, call Medicaid and ask if they can evaluate Mom for homecare. Even a couple hours a day is better than nothing.

You need to tell your siblings you need help. Even if its just to babysit for a day so u can get time to yourself. Or a weekend to get away. They need to do some hands on to see what ur going thru.

Did u live with Mom before the seven months? Why after 5 months why is her cast not off. Are u at Moms beck and call? Maybe time to set boundries. If she is 92 u must be at least 60. Senior caring for a senior. Tell her u just don't have the energy to do it all. If she is keeping u awake, ask her dr. for a mild sleeping pill for her.

It's hard to ask, and some never will help. I have 4 siblings and I got 3 of them to help out, at least financially (the 4th one just can't afford it so I didn't ask) so that I could afford the help that my dad needed. You know what they say.....it takes a village! You just have to know how to ask the villagers in the right way! Here is a video that I put together to help out. I'm also a geriatric social worker and this explains how I had this conversation and made it work for me. I hope it works for you too!! https://youtu.be/VdhuQ8ZooF0

How did you end up in the situation of living with your mother? If you willingly made the choice to be her caregiver you cannot be angry at siblings for making the choice not to. Call aging agencies and see what type of help is out there for your mother.

Call every charitable organization in your area. There are many that offer volunteers to sit with your loved one for a few hours to help you get out of the house. Mostly they can only be with your loved one, no hands on caregiving, like changing depends.

Your local county council on aging agency is a good resource to help you.

Siblings that have not agreed to be caregivers are never helpful. The attitude of you decided to care for mom, I didn't, can cause many problems. Let them live with their choices and find alternative help. Trying to force them will only make things harder for you.

Community services such as catholic charities are a good start to finding resources that are offered free of charge.

Hugs! Caring for a parent is difficult at best, remember that you matter as well and find ways to care for yourself.

Some sibs just won't. Mine didn't. Had to get in home care from an agency, that mom paid for. You need to find other ways to get some time off. Call the Area Agency on Aging as Barb suggested. There may be programs that mom would qualify for. AAA can sure help you identify them.

How long are you planning on being there? How long have you been there? Who has the cast, you or mom? When will it be removed?

Is your mother on Medicaid?

Have you spoken to your local Area Agency on Aging?