I need this very demanding lady out of my house. We live in Tennessee and Indiana says she can't come live in nursery home there. Her family doesn't want her, not even her son. I am ready to leave my husband. Can anyone help? Like I said she is very very demanding. Please help

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You are obviously in the middle of a crisis with your MIL and speaking from experience they come and go so try to pace yourself but even though it feels like you are going to snap right now try to collect yourself here, regroup and get to a place where you can really explore your options. Let her demands roll off you as best you can, don't just jump and meet them unless you deem them immediate and necessary but don't fight with her either, as others have pointed out this may be more about the disease and or some added new infection like a UTI or something than something she is really in control of. This doesn't mean you should think twice about making other arrangements for her, it's simply gotten to be too much for her family but if you and maybe even with your help the rest of her family can start to look at her behavior from a different angle maybe you can all get back in sync and on board with figuring this out together, maybe more pitching in from everyone...

I have some of the same questions as others have asked here, it's hard to come up with suggestions or relate-able experiences without a bit more info. However my first thought was if she isn't able to go to a NH in Indiana for some reason have you looked near you in Tennessee? If she has been a resident there for a while and receives assistance of some sort, Medicaid perhaps you might be running into a problem because the two states manage Medicaid differently. There is bound to be a way around or through this if Indiana is really where she needs to be for some reason though, it may just take some time and paperwork, placing her anywhere is going to take that though so even if you need to go off on your own to regroup and recharge right now, build up the strength to dive into this, that's what you should do first, now. Maybe even emergency respite would be a good idea if that is available around you, that way bot you and DH can regroup and start to plan without having her there physically, if she has suddenly gotten worse, acting crazy or maybe a danger to herself take her to the hospital for evaluation, that might not only give you a little respite but it might produce some help for whatever is going on too, you never know.

Good luck and hang in there, you will find your way through and the very fact that you took her in to begin with tells me you will feel much better about what you do from here if you are able to put your heart back into it again, all of you. I know that seems impossible now and may not be an easy task but if you can find a way to reset my guess is you will get there.
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Her age would be nice. Also, is this a cultural thing? This is his Mom? Was she originally from Indiana? How long has she been living with you.

First, you just can't put someone into a Nursing Home. They must fit the homes criteria. Its either private pay or Medicaid. Medicaid depends on where she resides. It doesn't go over state lines.

Does husband agree with you that Mom is not easy? Is the problem you have no idea what you can do to get her out?

Boundries need to be set. Its your home and you have a right to be respected. Don't have to like each other but respect is needed. You are not her slave. You deserve time to yourself.
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Can you give more details please? I’m so sorry that you are suffering with this situation.
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Oh dear, questions questions I'm afraid... But first - take a deep breath! There will be a way!

To go back to the beginning:

Your MIL came to live with you and your husband...

What are her real care needs?
What sort of excessive demands is she making on you? (this is to do with whether it's something she can help or not, and whether a boundary-setting project might improve life until you can get her settled somewhere else)

What are the options for settling her in long term care, or anyway her own home independent of family?

I'm guessing she came to you in Tennessee from her own home in Indiana, did she? - and you were hoping to send her back again, perhaps.

Where is the rest of the family?
Does anyone have power of attorney for this lady?
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"Her family doesn't want her, not even her son. "

Is this your mother-in-law? If so, then why is she in your house?
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Lymie61 Aug 12, 2019
I'm thinking because it is her son, the OP husbands, as well and they took her in to care for her when the need arose.
Hi Roberta, just need to clarify some info before helpful answers can be posted:

- How old is she?
- Is she on Medicare or Medicaid?
- Why would she need to go live in Indiana?
- What reason does the NH there give that they can't accept her?
- Who has her medical/financial Power of Attorney (PoA)?
- Does she have any financial means (other than social security)?
- Has she ever been formally diagnosed with dementia, Alzheimer's or cognitive issues by an actual doctor?

Often, well-meaning people like your husband launch into (or get stuck with) care taking without really knowing what they are in for. Your marriage has top priority, but first you and he need to figure out how to extricate yourselves from this situation while doing right by your in-law because she may actually not really be in control of herself anymore, because it is the moral and right thing to do, and for your own clear conscious. She is most likely nasty because she has dementia (or even a UTI, which can cause dementia-like symptoms) so try not to take her verbal abuse and bad attitude personally. She may also be extremely fearful inside as she may sense something is wrong with her.

Please answer the above questions so this online community/village can give you as much help as possible. Blessings!
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