Mom is now in a nursing home as of Nov 8th. Within two weeks she started getting a UTI. This always makes her fully demented even though she normally is not. I was trying to feed her yesterday because she cannot. Due to a nurse evaluation she missed going to the cafeteria for lunch so they brought her tray to her and left it. I had been told they had been having to feed her because she could not do it since falling ill. I asked her if she was hungry and she said no but I knew she was not truthful as she is always eager to eat. I continued reorganizing her clothing and but then got her ready to eat with a bib and propped her up. Gave her her first tiny bite of meat when she yells "no more meat!". I told her it was her first bite and she needed her protein to keep her strength up. We moved onto potatoes and "she cried out, 'too hot'!". I stuck my (washed) finger into them and they were barely lukewarm verging on cold. I told her they were not hot. Everything I did she reacted to dramatically.

Do narcissistic parents feel so inferior deep down (or guilty about the way they treated us as children) that they cannot stand for us to show compassion or love through assisting them with things they cannot do?

I finally went and got an aid to come feed her because she basically put up such a fuss I stopped trying. I have asked/told her that I will not be treated this way. She just replies that I should stop treating her this way-projection.

I love my mother and want to show appreciation for taking care of me as a child and after giving birth but this side of her really gets my goat. I try to grey rock it but this aspect of her care gets to me because she used to ask for my help with her sleep apnea machine, bathing and other things when she lived with me prior to 2017 for about 4 years.

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Ahmijoy, Thank you for your advice. I should walk away when she does this and I did when I went to laundry to find some clothing misplaced. By the time I got back she was okay with me. However, currently my mother cannot find her mouth with her fork or straw. Tuesday she started sucking on a straw that was not in her mouth and she did not realize it. I had to help her with her favorite Christmas cookies she used to make that I made for her. Couldn't even name them. So for her, UTI's affect her ability to put her food or drink into her mouth which is why they are feeding her. It is very strange that they dement her so to the point she looks and acts end stage .
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I can pretty much assure you that 90% of her behavior is due to the UTI. My mother became loud, combative and totally uncooperative. Once the infection was gone, she was pretty much ok.

Its ok to show gratitide for her having you and raising you, but remember, you became what you are today mostly because of yourself. You do not need to sacrifice yourself to her care. You do not need to agonize over every little behavior of her’s. Stick to your guns about not letting her abuse you. When she is in a contrary mood, leave and come back in a few days. She has no concept of being told you wont tolerate her “misbehavior.”

She will eat when she becomes hungry enough. A UTI doesn’t affect their ability to eat or develope an appetite. She may be more willing to cooperate with one of the aides. Nothing against you just the nature of the disease.
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