Sometimes just the threat of a nursing home is enough to put a mean mom or dad on good behavior. When the 'mean' music starts playing, make sure she's safe then walk away and completely ignore her. Do not acknowledge her at all. Don't go along with any of the mean behaviors. Don't be supportive if she starts up with nonsense like you or someone else is stealing from her or anything like that. Let her rant and rave for a while alone until she tires herself out and will. Don't give her any attention when she's acting up or lashing out. Sort of like what you have to do with a child having a tantrum. Walk away and they'll stop. Then go to her. This is the tactic I've used with every homecare client I've ever worked for and it always helps.
I went through that meanness with my Mom too. She was always a good Mom and took good care of us as kids. She wasn't that mean until my Dad passed away and then she started favoring the brothers over me. I am the only girl and had 4 brothers, and I realized that my Grandma(Mom's Mom) was the very same way, favored her boys over the girls. I helped take care of my Dad until he passed and then my Mom got Alzheimer's so I had to do more for Mom. When she spilled hot grease all over her leg and arm and had to have skin graft surgery the surgeon asked me if she lived alone and I said yes and he said she could no longer live alone or take the chance of getting hotlined so I had to make other arrangements for her. I didn't want her to go to a nursing home so I brought her to my house to live so I could take care of her. I was her only caregiver and never got any breaks from her, especially towards the end of her life. She got really mean with me several times and yes I lost my cool with her sometimes when she tried hitting me in the face or digging her fingernails in my arm. I told her that she was going to do what I said so I could properly take care of her or else she would have to go in a nursing home. She told me she would kill herself before going into a nursing home, that was before I brought her to my house to live. I took care of Mom in my home for almost 8 years and it got really rough towards the end of her life, my youngest daughter helped me with her. Mom passed away Jan. 2021. I seen Mom take her last breath and knew then she would not be suffering anymore. I don't feel guilty about having to get on to her from time to time, I did the best I could for her and didn't hold it against her for all the times she was mean to me. There are support groups for caregivers and therapy available also, I participated in both of them. I hope your Mom will be nicer to you, especially if you have to take care of her. Good Luck, Take Care and God Bless.
When the 'mean' music starts playing, make sure she's safe then walk away and completely ignore her. Do not acknowledge her at all. Don't go along with any of the mean behaviors. Don't be supportive if she starts up with nonsense like you or someone else is stealing from her or anything like that. Let her rant and rave for a while alone until she tires herself out and will. Don't give her any attention when she's acting up or lashing out. Sort of like what you have to do with a child having a tantrum. Walk away and they'll stop. Then go to her. This is the tactic I've used with every homecare client I've ever worked for and it always helps.
Tell us more...does she live with you? You with her? How old is she? How is she mean?
I am sorry that your mom is one of the mean moms. If you wish to talk about it, we are here for you and will gladly listen.
Take care.
Do you live together. If so who owns the home?
If you are an “old adult” it is time for you to realize that you no longer have to listen to “mean” whether it comes from your mother or not.
Give yourself permission from this day forward, to ignore her.
Absolutely. Ignoring with love. Sometimes that's the only way a caregiver can keep going.
Do you have anything to add to that -- like a question?