Advice for a sibling who's moving out soon.

I don't know the history, but I'm wondering what other methods your family has tried, and that apparently haven't worked out.   

I do think it would be more diplomatic to tell your mother that your sister isn't leaving for good, or perhaps that she's been advised by medical personnel to take respite time.   I also question living with "some other family."   If she does need respite, she might find it more effective to live alone while she readjusts to live.

Regardless, it's sad that this situation hasn't worked out and your sister apparently is leaving w/o explaining to your mother, regardless of her mental situation, but I hope your sister is able to recover what she's lost and find peace in her life.

Thanks for all your answers everyone. Here are some answers to a few of your questions. First, I support my sister's decision 100%; she needs this. My brother and I are doing pretty well. I start my new job on Monday (yaah!). Bro will help during the day, I'll spell him at night. Sis is discretely packing as we speak; I'll help "smuggle" her stuff out. The only part that worries me is the actual exit. Sis wants to say goodbye to both of them and then leave quickly. I just can't see Mom doing that without a huge fuss, maybe even trying to physically stop my sister. Whatever happens, M & D will probably never allow Sis in the house again. They will probably never talk to her again. I wish it didn't have to be like that.

According to past posts, both parents need a lot of help. Do all 3 of you live with your parents? (In April you wrote that you lived with your parents.)

Do the 3 of you share caregiving responsibilities? Your sister burned out. What about you and your brother?

Is there a way that you can take Mom somewhere. That way your sister an "exit" without the stress of Mom making a scene. When Mom asks where she is tell her Sis took a vacation. If she wants to talk to her, say Sis is not where there is phone service. Just tell her not to worry you and brother will be there. Little white lies.

I read a couple of your previous posts. Where is your Dad in all of this? I see that all 3 of you have shared the caregiving and that ur parents won't go into care. I hope someone has POA. Mom is no longer able to assign it. Dad seems to be able to.

Gosh, crikey - I'll certainly wish your brother and you the best of luck with this! Do you have trained caregivers to call on if necessary?

Assuming your mother doesn't keep a 24/7 watch on your sister (and she's got to sleep sometime, no?), your sister should pack discreetly and then, when she goes, say no more elaborate goodbyes than she normally does when she leaves the house. This isn't a question of intentionally deceiving your mother or keeping unkind secrets, it's to ensure that your mother doesn't get agitated and frightened in advance. Naturally she will want to know where your sister has got to, and you keep your replies truthful but focused on the positive: that you/brother are there and will be ready to help her with anything she needs. If mother demands to know when sister will be back, you say (truthfully, again) "I'm not sure, but we'll be giving her a ring later on and we can see what the plans are then."

Is there anything more we ought to understand about the background? - any special reason why your mother insists that your sister and only your sister will do?

Your post is a bit vague.

What exactly is your concern about? Your mom or your sister? Is your sister planning on saying goodbye to your mom? Please clarify what you mean by your statement about your sister “pulling this off.”

I can tell you that I was the ‘caregiver’ sister and it is beyond exhausting. My brother stepped in to care for our mom for about a year and a half. Mom lived in my house for 15 years! Mom spent the last month of her life in a hospice house with end stage Parkinson’s disease and slight dementia.

Continue to support and show understanding to your sister. She deserves her own life. Your mom will manage without your sister’s help. You know that your mom will not be able to reason through this since she has moderately severe dementia. Accept the situation for what it is. You don’t have the power to change it.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

Happily for your sister, the whole point of her respite break is that she won't be around for your mother to be furious with. Isn't it?

You don't say how your mother is to be taken care of, but I assume it isn't you who'll be doing the caregiving? If you live in the house with your mother, all the same, be supportive of what your sister is doing, reassure your mother that all is well, and encourage your mother to accept any help she needs from the new people.

By the way. If your mother is furious, don't try to stop her being furious. She's entitled to express her feelings. Just let any agency or any visiting aides know what the situation is. Professional, trained caregivers should be used to bringing round reluctant care receivers, and able to establish some kind of working relationship with her quite quickly.