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I'm not at all. I'm okay but I'm broken inside. My dad beat me often as a boy with the belt. Now I am grown and I am his caregiver. Yesterday he attacked me while I was sitting on the toilet. I have PTSD now when I use my own downstairs bathroom. I have called the domestic abuse hotline and reported him for abusing his caregiver while I was sitting on the toilet. He was a drunk who beat his kids with the belt for no reason other than getting pleasure from it. Then he would apologize which made it even worse. The damage has already been done. I call it dads decade of damage. From 3 years old to 13 years old. I'm lucky I turned out as well as I did. But that was because of my own self confidence. I've been defending myself against my narcissistic family since I was a small boy. They have always hated me but I was too naive to see it. They just want to see me constantly fail. They get pleasure setting me up for failure. They always have.

You should have called 911 and had him removed from the house. If he has dementia, you tell the police that. They should take him to ER and evaluate him. When they try to send him home, you say no its an "unsafe" discharge and you fear for your life. Tell them the state will need to take over his care because you will no longer be doing it.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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After growing up in a crazy house, I vowed to never live in the same house as my parents again, or to do any hands on caregiving. And I didn't. This is the only logical decision. What are YOU doing back in the crazy house of your childhood with DEMENTIA thrown into the mix?
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Scampie1 Mar 11, 2025
I hear you Lealonnie. I grew up in a circus as well.

Abused people usually gravitate to abusive people. My first and second marriages were both abusive as hell.

It took me years of therapy and Al-Anon to get me to a level of understanding about growing up in a dysfunctional household. Al-Anon Adult Children of Alcoholics was another good program.

PTSD is a reality for anyone who has experienced this type of ongoing abuse.
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You're grown and you have no obligation to this man. Get a job if you don't already have one. Get out of that house. Now that you understand the family dynamics, why put yourself through hell over and over again?

You can find friends who will be your family. They'll be people you choose rather than people who hate you. Good luck in finding them.

As for dad, next time he attacks you in any way, call the police and press charges.
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Reply to Fawnby
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I’m so sorry. I concur with the other commenters. I was mentally abused by my parent as a child. Being an only child I felt it was my duty to take on her caretaking I became burnt out and my physical health was failing. As my mom progressed to mid stage dementia, the first time she attacked me was also in the bathroom. Her aggressiveness progressed and during an incident I called 911 and with the advise of this group I started the process of getting her finally in memory care. Take care of yourself. You deserve to live your best life.
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Reply to Arkh64
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Do you have a therapist or psychiatric help?
I think this is a matter of your staying with your abuser when the better choice would be now to leave.
You most definitely should not be "caregiver" to your abuser.
I have a few questions, before attempting to answer your question, Matthew.

1. How old are you?
2. How old is your father?
3. Do you live with your father?
4. Do you have a job?
5. Is your father diagnosed as having dementia or mental illness?
6. Do you have siblings?
7. Are you currently being paid by the State as your father's caregiver?

Thanks a lot for these answers; if you respond I will get back to you.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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You call 911 and send him to the hospital for violent outbursts and then you say unsafe discharge (I think I remember you have done this before??)

He can kill you.
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Scampie1 Mar 11, 2025
A person like this will beat the nursing personnel in the hospital. There was a case a few weeks ago where a mentally ill person was Baker Acted, and he beat a nurse so badly and broke just about every bone in her face. The assailant was found on the street saying that they were coming to kill him. The police locked him up in jail. He appeared before a judge. The hospital did not have Baker Act policy at their hospital and staff was not trained or equipped on how to handle a person with this level of mental illness and violence.

These people are a danger to themselves and to others.
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Being beat on the toilet by an abusive parent is terrible. It sounds like your amygdala isn't doing its job from all the prior abuse.

I have the fight response. So, if someone comes after me while I'm on the toilet, they would find themselves flattened out on the floor. Some people will freeze or fawn or run.

Then I would probably gaslight them back and say, you must have dreamed it. I never touched you. 😂

However, all jokes aside, I hope you are okay. It sounds like it is time for your abusive father to be placed. Let someone else deal with his nonsense.
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Reply to Scampie1
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Matthew, why in the world would you want to be the "caregiver" for the man who abused you when you were a child and continues to abuse you?
That is just SO wrong on so many levels. I am a firm believer that a child who was abused in any way from a parent, should NEVER take on their care when the parent gets older. And here you are doing just that. Why???
Do you not feel like you've had enough abuse at this point? And do you not believe that you deserve better?
And why are you living with your abuser? Surely a homeless shelter would be better than being beat while on the toilet right?
I'm sorry you were abused by people that were supposed to love and nurture you, a lot of us were as well, but most if not all of us that were, would NEVER take on the abusers care, as you're only asking for more abuse and chaos.
I'm hoping you have options to move out(even if you have to go to a shelter for the time being)and get away from this evil and mentally sick man who you call father, but I call an a$$hole.
And please once away from your sperm donor, seek out a good counselor who can help you with your PTSD.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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You can't choose your family but you can choose your boundaries. You need to have a very clear and strong boundary between you and your abuser. One of you needs to leave.

Like others have observed: why are you caring for your abuser? There is no moral obligation here. He can't abuse you unless you allow it by giving him access to you. He gets 0 access to you. You need to completely block him from your life going forward. Starting today.

You didn't cause whatever problem he has had all along or now, and you certainly can't fix him. In fact, you inserting yourself as his "caregiver" is delaying him getting appropriate care: by professionals who know how to handle aggressive abusers. He needs medication, he needs to be contained. You can leave and report him to APS who will put him on track for a court-assigned 3rd party legal guardian who will get him into a facility where he will be housed, fed and receive medical care. See? You aren't his only option. This is why there's no excuse not to leave.

You seem to have a very dysfunctional co-dependent relationship with him. Have you been to therapy for this? You need to get away from anyone who "wants to see you constantly fail". Why put on this show for them? Stop giving them what they want and do what you want and need. You need to leave and never interact with these people again, ever, for any reason.

I wish you clarity, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you start a new life of freedom.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Matthew - no person should ever have to care for their abuser, and I question how much care a man who is physically strong enough to break into the bathroom and assault you really needs. You need to get out of this toxic situation and let this person reap what they have sewn, you owe him nothing.
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Reply to cwillie
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This is not about age care.
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