We moved Mom in with us 3 days so. She has dementia. She's not doing anything but wandering, some crying, getting mad at us for bringing her here or leaving the room and doing anything but have the same circular conversation as to why she's here. My brother is here to help but she doesn't care about any reasons and can't remember them after a few minutes. Nothing entertains her. TV books music. She won't do coloring or games except solitaire which she now won't do at all. All she wants to do is sit in one place and argue with us about why she's here. Honestly, we all have to hide out now and then just for a break. Have we taken on too much?
It’s time to place Mom.
I'm so very sorry you are going through this.
I see below in your response to me (and thanks for being both responsive and participatory in the Forum) that you are READY, and WILLING to place mom but feel unable because her monthly income is too large.
I may have good news, but only a trip to an attorney will decide the matter. You say that mom makes too much monthly but doesn't have otherwise enough assets to pay for her care and the family doesn't as well.
The first thing you need to understand is that NO one in the family should pay for mom's care. What then will you do when YOUR TURN comes for needing care and you face these same problems?
It takes a lifetime to save for your care in age.
So that's out.
However, Mom CAN still apply for Medicaid in almost all states despite her income. I would follow the answers of Igloo on this page. ANd I would go to the top search bar and type in Q.I.T. Trust (Qualified Income Trust) and Miller Trust. In these trusts a portion of mother's monthly income, whatever the source, is put into a trust. The beneficiary of that Trust is usually the state that is paying via Medicaid for her care. The other assets she has, whatEVER they are, would be sold. Rentals and etc. She would be allow to keep one home and one car if she had those.
There is a way.
You need an attorney.
And mom needs placement where she will have folks like her to entertain one another. You need to have your own life.
So see an attorney now re her assets and her liabilities and her income and get this worked out so that mom can enter care. In some areas she can go into ALF and stay there after being self pay with her own assets for some time. In others it would mean a nursing home. But in either case you are off the sacrificial slab.
Also know that a better way to go than "rental" is to have "shared living expenses". One must be claimed as income and one need not be. You truly need expert advice for these financial problems. I wish you the best.
But give it time.
Imagine if someone took you from your home and plunked you down someplace else.
You are scared. Not just because you are no longer in your home but you know, someplace in your head that YOU are not "right, not really you"
Not your home. Nothing you have known is around you. There are new noises, new smells, people expecting you to do things.
If you want to back out of this now is the time. Before she gets "settled"
Find a Memory Care facility where she will have 24/7 care.
Where she will be safe.
Where you can be a daughter not a caregiver.
If you do decide to see this through be prepared.
She will decline.
What can you do, what can't you do, what won't you do? Those are the 3 questions you have to answer.
And your mom should be paying you.
A portion of ALL household expenses.
If you have to hire a caregiver mom pays for that as well.
(She really should pay you as a caregiver as well.)
All the expenses should be documented as costs going for her care. This may be important if there needs to be an application for Medicaid All these expenses would part of a spend down if it is needed.
This all does not take into consideration if your house will need renovations to accommodate her as she declines. (walker, wheelchair or any other equipment that may be needed for her.. And at some point she may not be able to do stairs if there are any)
I know people who have been in memory care facilities for several years and still ask the same questions every day. But the facilities have routines, and staff trained to handle these situations. She may be able to adapt over time with you, but you should be looking online at MC facilities in case she doesn't adjust.
Contact her doctor ASAP about some medications to calm her down and reduce her agitation. Imagine yourself being in such a state continuously with no relief in sight. It's not sustainable for her or for you.
As Burnt said, don't get in the repetition loop. Easier said that done, I know. It's frustrating to think that if you just explain things enough, she'll get it, and then not have it happen no matter how long and hard you try. But that's just a reality.
If you haven't already, you should do senior-proofing of the house, to ensure that she doesn't leave and wander unsafely outside, trying to get back home. Is she going to try to use the stove, and leave it on or burn herself? Is she going to try to climb stairs that she's not capable of?
If you have time to answer at least some of Alva's questions, it might help us to give more specific suggestions.
Maybe meds would help. Talk with her Dr. But you may have to put her in care. You can’t keep hiding from her in your own home - trust me - we tried. My mother receives great care and we feel safe in our own home again.
You just recently moved mom in.
What do you know and understand today that you DID NOT know and understand 3 days ago?
What agreements and thought went into this process?
Did your family fully discuss this together prior to moving your mother in?
Did you see an attorney for POA and advance directives and--most importantly--a care agreement for shared living costs and how often it would be reassessed to ascertain if it is working for all involved?
If this was an impulse-decision then you have certainly painted yourself into a corner by making your own home your MOTHER'S home.
Speaking of homes?
Where WAS mother living prior to this moving in?
If her own home, what has happened now with this home?
Really, we need some details of how and why this happened and of the plans made now for privacy, payment and etc--and the plans for the future.
You answers may give us some clue as to giving you a few hints to help things.
You are likely in a bit of a state of shock. It's less than a week. So sit tight and lets take the time to slow down and try to get things a bit more in order.
Wishing you the very best.
This has been discussed for months. She was living in a mother in law on the property but it was determined by her gerontologist that she should not be living alone. I got her a few hours of care during the week but it's inadequate.
They're not doing what they said they would.
She's already paying rent and power per agreement since she was living on our property.
I've looked into memory care but she has too much money coming in for Medicaid and too little to afford paying the money on her own. Family doesn't make enough to cover the rest.
I mentioned in another post that I felt pushed into this by family and my husband but financially I couldn't see a way out either.
I have both a financial and medical POA and pay her bills, administer pills etc.. I've been doing this for months and the family is fine with it. I've discussed the finances with them and they are good with my handling it. But I'm afraid I'm not constituted to this life. I've made that clear to everyone but, honestly, memory care seems out of the question financially.
Sorry to ramble.
DO NOT continually answer the same question over and over because that only encourages her to get fixated on it and then it becomes a dementia loop that she will repeat over and over to kingdom come.
DO NOT argue with her. When she starts up with trying to get an argument going, totally ignore her. Don't even speak to her.
She may also need to be medicated. Her doctor may want to prescribe some anti-anxiety medication she can be given as needed and maybe an anti-depressant.
I worked as a caregiver for seniors with dementia for 25 years. Believe when I tell you, if you're planning on trying to keep her at home with you, she will have to be put in adult daycare a few days a week, or you'll have to hire a paid caregiver/companion for her. You leave when the caregiver/companion is working their shift, or you tell them they have to keep her out of the house for the duration of their shift. One or the other. If it's just you with her 24/7 and your brother coming by some, you will be creating the perfect conditions for elder abuse.
Please, look into memory care for your sake as well as hers. Try getting her on some meds, and force her to be with a paid caregiver/companion or to go to adult daycare.
I'm keeping the home care for her to have companionship other than us 3 days a week.
Good point about not arguing with her. You're right. It goes nowhere.
Your mom now needs to be in a memory care facility where she will be looked after 24/7 and kept safe. Surely you want that for your mom right?
Your good intentions were just that...good intentions, and now that you're getting a taste of reality it's time to get her settled in a facility sooner than later, where you can get back to just being her loving child and advocate and not her burned out, overwhelmed caregiver that has to hide from her to get a break.
I wish you well in finding the right facility for your mom.