In 2021, I realized my mother was 7 years behind on her taxes. With counseling, I learned to set boundaries, as my mom has undiagnosed BPD. Had not visited her in several years.
After learning she had difficulty with her finances, I went to FL from PA to help her. We spoke very frequent, but I didn’t know the severity of her executive function decline, hoarding, an organization and struggled with her meds. I caught her up on her taxes, cleaned and organized
Every year since I’ve gone down 2 to 3 times a year to help her catch up on her mail, do her taxes, organize her bills, doctors appointments and make sure everything is running smoothly. This past fall unfortunately her home was flooded in the hurricanes that hit her area in Florida. I went down and spent over three months cleaning, repairing and replacing lost items. Because of her decline, I had suggested we look at some retirement communities, but she insisted on moving back in her house, so I made it happen.
I’m still dealing with FEMA, as I found out last spring that her flood insurance lapsed. She said they never sent her a letter, but they said they never received payment. She was unable to assist with anything, I was able to secure a rental in which she stayed most of the time while I went back to the house and worked with contractors, as well as going through her mountains of items. In record time I was able to get the majority of things finished and ready for her to move back in.
Unfortunately, there were many new things that she struggled with, new TV washer, car etc.. I made a little cheat sheets for her. I went back home to PA, knowing I’d have to come back down the spring to do our taxes and try to wrap up some loose ends.Out of the blue, my mom decided to get statements from her bank and credit card. She had lost the ability to go online, and had no idea how to get into her accounts, so I’ve been managing everything. Not to mention that I have ran her rental apartments for the over 20 years here in Pennsylvania.
Unfortunately, when she received these statements, they confused her so much that she started to accuse me of stealing money from her. We had just went through a huge situation with the flood, many things needed to be purchased, and everything was dealt with honestly. Shes talked about suing contractors, and blames me for not making sure the work was done right. This was sudden, when I left, she was grateful. It’s hard to think that my mother would think I am stealing, she has never accused me… Also wondering how to protect myself. I made the mistake of helping her without power of attorneys.
She has since canceled the business credit card for the rentals, and took me off of all her accounts. This has now made it very difficult for me to help her, as well as manage her business. I can only think that this was brought on by the fact that she had lost so much control. And I think the trauma of being caught up in the flooding and being displaced only exacerbated the problem and may have accelerated her dementia.
She did have a baseline test about a year and a half ago, she was on the cusp. She now has an appointment with the neurologist next week. She has now said she does not want me involved in her medical dealings. Where as I was the only one that corresponded with her doctors prior.I’m so lost and don’t know how to protect her while protecting myself. And I don’t know how to fix this, as she is sabotaging everything I set up to take care of her. This middle ground is a tough place to be.
She and I both are veterans, and I’m an only child. I have been in contact with the VA and her social worker. If she is not diagnosed, she could easily tell them to not allow me to talk to them anymore. But so far I am grateful for the VA as they seem to understand my situation. Only time will tell.
I will see what the neurologist finds, I feel so helpless. She has missed doctors appointments, and bill payments.Has others dealt with this?
Thanks Kim
The suggestion to call APS and let a third party take over managing her care isn’t something for you to convince her to allow, it would come from a diagnosis of incapacity and her failure to get her legal POA’s in place. It might really be what’s best for both of you.
I just read your response, and must apologized as I missed that you stated "undiagnosed BPD." If "undiagnosed," what makes you believe that she suffers from BPD, as that is a serious and one of the worst personality disorders to treat. Do you know that she has dementia? From what you describe, it sounds appropriate. I believe you also said she's still driving? I think the best thing you could do for your Mom would be to contact APS for them to professionally assess your Mom's situation. It is heartbreaking to see our parents deteriorate. We want what's best for them and to keep them safe. By calling in APS, it will keep you out of what may be determined for you Mom.
yeah, there no way she could do what I’ve done for her, in terms of finances. I am at a tricky transition point. If she’s diagnosed then that’s a whole other game.
thanks Kim
Clearly you understand Mom needs to be in care.
And this is a mess with assets and no executive function.
To say nothing of some mental illness components of hoarding and paranoia.
This isn't doable. Sorry, but you aren't going to be able to handle this unless you are A) financial manager B) psychiatrist C) social worker and D) doctor.
She's uncooperative. She is drowning. She will take you down with her.
It is time now to call APS and tell them the above.
The one thing you do not tell us, in all that you DID tell us, is your mother's age.
If APS will not assess her and manage to get her in for a full diagnostic workup, then quite honestly you need to step back and let this mess come to a head, because I do not see how it can be managed any other way but placement and a Fiduciary to manage all of this.
I think your mother needs guardianship of the state.
If that's not done, then there's no way for you to handle this. And if that's not done, then you WILL get a call. It will be from a hospital or from a coroner. If it is from a hospital then she will get assessed and placed and your worst part will be to decide if you want to manage her assets (I recommend against). If it's from the coroner then your mom will have died as she has lived; we as human being are limited in how much we can intervene and in how much we can changed.
As Dr. Laura says, "Not everything can be fixed".
It's been a long time since I recommended Liz Scheier's book, a memoir titled Never Simple. She tried virtually a lifetime with the auspices of the city and state of New York to intervene for her mom's good, and was unable. She died homeless or in SRO rooms the latter part of her life. No one was ever able to help. While it's a tough read it does well make the point that there are times when everything is lost and nothing can be done.
my mom is 77 years old and we have a long line of dementia in the family. My Grandmother lived with it for 14 years.
you mentioned Dr Laura, is that Laura Schlessinger?
Thanks 💜
If you are intent upon helping her then you may need to pursue guardianship through the courts. I would talk to a certified elder law attorney about this. This is a fairly expensive pursuit, both time and money. Kudos for doing yeoman's work on her behalf, but for some problems there sometimes are not good solutions, only least-bad options.
If she's "bad enough" and you don't pursue guardianship, then the courts will assign her 3rd party legal guardian and you will be out of the loop unless the guardian needs your input. You would still be able to have your relationship with your Mom, you just won't have insight or any control over her medical and financial affairs.
May you receive clarity and wisdom, and peace in your heart regardless of the outcome knowing you went above and beyond, and definitely did your best.
I'm an only child and all she has, I want to help her, but I don’t what to be accused of anything that puts me in a place to defend myself, while trying to help her. Getting a third party to manage would be a nightmare, she trusts no one. I pray it doesn’t come to that.
I've learned how to navigate the BPD, however this is a whole different season. That actually affects my managing her rentals. I plan to see an attorney.
thank you so much again! 💜