My 84 year old grandma had multiple small strokes in the past couple of months, I am not sure how to get her re-engaged with life.

I know you love your grandma. Unfortunately, mini strokes are changing your grandma. These strokes are changing my mom. Just be glad your grandma hasn't had a more severe stroke. Your grandma should be living in assisted living/memory care. They have activities and therapy. Please plan for your grandma's future. You cannot keep caring for her.

As you know, not everything can be fixed. That is to say, if you don't know that at this point in your life, it is something you are about to learn.
You aren't God. You can't change what has happened.

The sad truth is that this isn't getting better and the trajectory of all this is now downward. You, of all people shouldn't be involved in this caregiving. This is for her children to handle, and either to DO, or to see it IS DONE. That probably means placement because your grandmother has had her life, is now ill and will not recover, and she requires the hired in help of several shifts with several people each.

Get together with family, and tell them you will not continue as caregiver. Let them know that you will not be taking on shifts as of a certain date. The POA or next of kin will need to begin searching for placement for your grandmother.

You deserve a life; grandmother has HAD a life. It is not fair that you are expected to throw your own life on the burning funeral pyre of your grandma; it may be a slow burn.
Who is to say, in 10 years when grandmother is gone, that one of your PARENTS will not need/want this care? Is this what you choose for your own life.

It may sound hard. And if it is too hard for you, then you will continue in this sad choice. You are a grownup. You now make your own choices and live with consequences of them. But do understand what is at risk in your own well-being and in your relationship with you husband.

I am very sorry. These choices are ALWAYS done with great grief and mourning. That can't be avoided in life. I understand it's easier said than done. But the facts are clear. Do some thinking and some talking with hubby, and perhaps with a good cognitive therapist before you act, if you like. But you will need slowly to make the steps in building your own defensive walls. That begins with approaching all involved with great honesty.

I often advise on this forum that all children (I will now add grandchildren) should move 1,000 miles away when they reach age of majority. I more and more believe that's a good idea.

I hope that your grandma is being treated for her depression as until that is treated I'm not sure much else will change.
And who wouldn't be depressed when you were a short time ago living on your own and enjoying your life and now you're needing family to take care of you?
The best thing you and your family can do now is to educate yourself about this horrific disease of dementia, because this is one thing that CANNOT be fixed.
I always recommend the book The 36 Hour Day, along with Teepa Snow(a dementia expert) who has lots of videos on YouTube and many books as well.
And while it's very sweet that the family is all stepping up now to help grandma, please know that she will only continue to get worse and that you all deserve to have a life away from caring for her, so there may come a day when you'll have no choice but to have her placed in a facility, and that will be ok.

Many on here have given you good advice I don't think I can top, but I have a few suggestions for the meantime while longer-term plans are being made. If her physical health permits and she can leave the house, even in a wheelchair if necessary, other environments might brighten her mood. After my mom's strokes I took her to the mall just to see the sights and get a snack. Sometimes we'd just go on a drive together for stimulation by playing little games as we traveled like I'd tell her to pick out any signs she likes and shout out what they say, or tell me when you see anything orange or purple, etc. Some stores now have push shopping carts that have a seat for adults, a basket for items and can be pushed by a caregiver. Seen them at Walmart. Malls and most stores have a wheelchair you can borrow if she needs one for any distance you two are covering. Just a thought, but perhaps some physical and visual stimulation might help her outlook, and you might actually be able to do a little shopping for yourself with her company.

Alva gave some good info. Unfortunately your family needs to think long term as giving up your life as well as other caregivers might last for years and put everyone into poverty. Consider memory care if she can afford it, Her slow march downward will get worse. You miss your lifestyle and you are only 2 months in.

You mention inflammatory pneumonia. I am wondering if she is already experiencing aspiration pneumonia. How is her swallowing? She needs a speach therapy assessment to see if her diet needs to be radically changed to improve that situation but will not provide a cure.
Strokes can be quality of life sucker's. She cannot go back to a normal quality of life here. Your family of caregivers need to make adjustments. Eventually one by one, each will face burnout and drop out of this current plan.

I urge you to learn everything you can about vascular dementia, this is possibly the beginning of a long and twisting road of decline, as difficult as it feels you are going to have to move out of fix it mode and into long term management mode.

https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/vascular-dementia/vascular-dementia-causes-symptoms-and-treatments

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4QGBPmAK_I

https://www.heartandstroke.ca/stroke/what-is-stroke/vascular-cognitive-impairment

I'm so sorry for what's happened to your Grandma. It would help give context if you would tell us how old she is.

I'm also a fixer and an Olympic gold medalist in checklisting. There are practical things that will need to happen in order to make her caregiving and life management go as well as it can.

One such thing is whether or not your Grandma has a legally assigned PoA (power of attorney). It most likely would be your Mom, but you should find out if there is one. If so, this person would need to activate the PoA authority in order to be able to legally make financial and medical decisions on your Grandma's best interests. They need to read the document to find out what is required (usually it is one official medical diagnosis of incapacity). The PoA would need to have this diagnosis on the clinic letterhead and signed by Grandma's doctor.

If Grandma doesn't have a PoA it is likely too late for her to legally be able to create one. This will mean someone would need to pursue guardianship or conservatorship of her through the courts. This process takes time and money but will be important if your family wants to avoid her becoming the ward of a court-assigned 3rd party legal guardian through the county social services.

Entities like banks and investment firms won't talk to anyone who is not either her active PoA or legal guardian. You won't be able to make real estate decisions or transactions, sell her car, access accounts without legal authority.

Even if she has a PoA it would't hurt to have a consult with an elder law attorney to get a lay of the land for Grandma's future.

You've all done yeoman's work to this point. If she's depressed and anxious and isn't already on meds for this, I would definitely have this discussion with her primary doctor. Many an elder with cognitive problems require meds because their broken brains can no longer get them to a place of peace, so they need help through meds.

Because you are young, you are projecting how you think she should be motivated to live. You won't be able to get her to do things she resists -- especially with such short-term memory issues. Your family now needs to consider what is realistic in this scenario. You say you are overwhelmed. Yes, this is what caregiving often does to people. And the level of care your family is putting in won't be sustainable no matter how much they want to keep doing it. Each of you has to go back to your own lives and the only way to do this is to accept a different solution for Grandma's care. Caregiving has to happen on the caregiver's terms or else burnout is inevitable.

She can have in-home aids (which is funded from her own assets). This will require a lot of management: finding the right people or agency; scrambling when one of them doesn't show up, etc. Eventually (since your Grandma seems like she'd need 24/7 care) it will be more expensive than facility care, and this doesn't even include the cost of keeping up her home and property.

Or, you can have her assessed for LTC (long-term care). If she qualifies financially as well as medically then this is covered by a combo of her SS income (assuming she's over 62.5) and Medicaid. My MIL was in an excellent LTC faciliy when she became bedridden. For 7 years she received stellar care from a wonderful staff.

You and your family have had a huge adjustment in a short period of time. But now reality is setting in: Grandma's new normal into the future is how she is right now. I wish you wisdom and peace in your hearts as you continue to figure out the best care arrangement.

I'm so sorry about grandma. I've taken care of a stroke patient full-time, a family member, so I know what you're likely to be facing.

If she's fighting you over doing herADLs, PT and so on, this isn't likely to get better, only worse. Also, with the family caregiving plan you have going on now, she is probably bored. But you are all so busy and overwhelmed with her care that you can't be expected to be her trained monkeys and amuse her all the time. Her old interests may never return. You can try to interest her in those, but her brain is now injured, and you may not have any luck with it.

Those are hard truths. I suggest you look into assisted living or memory care situations before something else happens, such as a fall. That could set her back even more, and if you don't have options in place, you'll be scurrying around trying to find a suitable placement at the worst possible time. In the process of looking at these places, you'll observe people who have suffered strokes, falls, and other issues. You'll see the socialization, the caring aides, and the acceptance that the residents have for each other. You may decide to place grandma sooner rather than later for her own good as well as yours.

I wish you luck in proceeding with a plan.

You want your life to go back to normal.
Your grandmother can't go back to normal. The strokes have affected her ability to process information, and when brain cells die, they don't recover. People can slowly re-learn to do things, by "training" healthy brain cells to take on new tasks.

As her caregiver, you will need a lot of patience.
It wouldn't hurt to have a physical therapist, or someone other than you, to go through exercises with her. That is important to maintain what strength she has.

Let her sleep more, and keep her engaged with simple activities. NOT word puzzles! The damaged brain works hard to process everything! Try playing simple games (like for children) with her. If she likes music, play music and encourage her to move or dance (for exercise, and a mood -booster!)
Create simple tasks for her to "help" with around the house.

I, too, struggled with sundowning and "looping" (perseveration). I got a lot of tips by "googling" the conditions. Both of these can be triggered by anxiety and stress. A medication in the evening can help to calm her and reduce anxiety.
Also, you can help by reducing stimulation. And by sticking to a routine.
Changes in routine can create a lot of anxiety for someone with dementia.
Another helpful tip is, learn to re-direct her attention to something she will be interested in. A TV show, a treat, just move to another room. If she is truly uncomfortable, but can't clearly express what is bothering her, ASK if she has pain anywhere. She may not think to volunteer this information, unless asked.
And go through a list; Does your stomach hurt? Does your head hurt? Where does it hurt?
Do you want something to eat? Something to drink? Would you like to lay down?
In general, keep her environment calm. Limit noise and chaos.

She wants to stay in bed because her life is so hard and there is little you can do about that except to accept it. Just be there for her when you are there. Sometimes a person who just sits and stares is actually not depressed but thinking, processing visual, and auditory information. Every little thought is so difficult and takes so much time…..so you give it to her. She has less and less to live for and you cannot give that back to her. Just love her, talk about her childhood, play calming music or tv that she is familiar with, but like the others say….keep things to a minimum, keep the same routines, schedules, and use same words over and over to let her know what is going on.