Context: my mom was a single mom with a lot of rage issues and I ended up in the crossfire when I was younger. The first outburst I remember was when I was 5 and left my toys on the table and she swept them all into the trash while screaming at me for being lazy, then stormed out of the house while I was crying. These outbursts continued with increasing frequency until one day as a teen I walked out and didn't return for a day, at which point she started keeping them mostly under control. I will be completely honest: I have always been bitter that walking out was and the threat of doing it again was what it took to get her to stop the verbal and emotional abuse.
I am 35 now and for the last 13 years I've been caregiving for her in some capacity. It started light with me taking over groceries and scheduling doctors for her and it rapidly escalated 4 years ago to where I'm living with her and 24/7 on-call while managing most aspects of her daily life, while also trying to juggle a full time (thankfully remote) job. For the most part, it's been manageable as she's generally been a more pleasant person since things have picked up. Or at least she was, until a provider started her on esketamine treatment for her depression.
The esketamine treatment has been generally wonderful, she is much more energetic and active and seems to have regained her emotions. Unfortunately, she's also regained that rage and verbally abusive streak too. And it really comes out whenever she tries to do some housework. She's the exact same person she was 30 years ago, and will yell and scream at me and say whatever she thinks will hurt me because I'm not doing housework to her standard. Doubly unfortunately, because of our past this immediately triggers my fight or flight response and I find myself yelling back or threatening to move out. This isn't healthy for either of us. It's getting worse too, as she's done this every day for the last 4 days.
The other thing is, I find myself excusing this behavior when the storm passes. Oh, she was angry about something else and took it out on me. Oh, she's right and I really do struggle to keep up with the housework. I spend about 9 hours a day with my job, between 2 and 4 hours either directly helping her or doing the basic cooking and cleaning needed to keep her area safe and her clothes and dishes OK, and for the last few months she's been waking me up between 1-3 times a night on average for something she needs between 1 am and 6 am. Beyond this, I'm struggling with untreated clinical depression myself. I can sleep 12 hours total and I still wake up tired. I don't have the energy or will to keep the house in tip-top shape and I doubt I ever will.
But at this point I'm becoming increasingly bitter. I haven't had a vacation ever. My sisters exited the picture before my mom even got sick. I'm beginning to feel like some of my best years were stolen from me, especially as I'm using most of my paycheck to keep her afloat and remodel her house and buy her equipment for her safety. I'm beginning to wonder if I really should just leave. Or if I should just have a chat with her about her options for aides (I paid for an elder care attorney for her to get her onto medicaid, and she is qualified for home health aides through them up to 40 hours a week, but she's chased the last 4 off and there's a shortage in our state so I haven't been able to get a new one yet) or about assisted living and step back from this.
I don't want to leave because I know that the efforts I'm making, even if I do get overwhelmed and am by no means perfect, are helping her health and are why she's currently on enough of a physical upswing to get mad at me daily. But at this point I'm losing the will to live. I guess I'm mostly just venting and hoping someone will tell me I'm being ridiculous or share some secret trick to stop the pain? I don't want my last memories of her to be fighting and me abandoning her.
Yet a few sentences down you say that you're "losing the will to live."
Golly this is a really messed up situation that you've allowed yourself to get into isn't it? One in which you're willing to give up your life for your evil moms.
Do you not see just how messed up that is? I mean really. Do you not believe that you deserve better?
Well I'm here to tell you that you in fact DO deserve better.
It is time to cut your losses and move out and leave your mom on her own to figure things out on her own.
You are stuck as the little girl of 5 years old, still hoping that your mom will actually love you and that things will be different. But as you already know things never will be different and it's now only you that can be different.
The relationship with your mom is VERY unhealthy and sadly won't ever change.
I'm sorry you had a sucky upbringing. Many of us on here have had the same, but the difference with a lot of us is that we did whatever we had to to overcome the abuse.
It sounds like you haven't yet overcome it yet, and for that reason I do hope that you are in some good therapy where you will learn that yes you do deserve better, and that you can go from being a victim to be a VICTOR.
So you can start being a victor by moving out ASAP and calling APS on your way out reporting a vulnerable adult living by themselves, and let them take over her care.
There is freedom to be had here, but you MUST be willing to take the first step. So get the ball rolling today.
She's 77.
Already checked for UTIs, though her UTI symptoms usually cause her to be especially dizzy, tired, and confused rather than angry. Urinalysis was clean this time (though still waiting for culture, as she's been false negative a few times in the past).
She also actually does not have dementia, at least according to 3 neurologists and a psychologist. Recent MRIs show no significant changes from 5 years ago and an EEG showed normal brain function for her too. Based on her behavior I had originally assumed the first neurologist was just refusing to diagnose for whatever reason (my impression is that few providers/physicians want to be the one to break this particular news) so I went for second opinions but after 4 separate providers have said there's no dementia I've been operating off of the assumption that it's not dementia. The latest neurologist suggested that they think polypharmacy is the culprit. But that's tangential to the overall point, I think.
The codependency and rescuer assessment is probably accurate. I've always felt like this is my fault and my duty to resolve, somehow. And no matter how bad things get, I always find myself either excusing the behavior or focusing on the good times. I think you're right and I should revisit therapy, as it's another of the things I let drop when I started feeling like I had to dedicate more time to her care. Maybe I can start thinking about the future from there.
Thank you all for your honest feedback.
I’m very glad dementia seems to be ruled out at this time. If she is competent to make her own decisions, even bad ones, that means you should have no qualms about planning your exit and leaving her to decide on arranging care and help with housework, finances, living arrangements, all of it.
You can have a life with healthy boundaries away from— just being very blunt here— the abusive mommy who is NEVER going to be the good mommy you deserved.
My mother had similar rage outbursts frequently when I was a child. They're still seared into my brain at 67. For that reason, I told her we'd never cohabitate when she got old and needed care. It would be AL all the way. Once was more than enough living with such an abusive person. My folks DID go into AL later on in life, and I was their manager and POA. Mom lived to 95 in Memory Care and dad to 91. It was the best decision ever bc they got great care and it saved my marriage and my sanity.
Your mother has Medicaid help for 40 hrs a week. Please allow her to use those hours instead of driving you up the wall. Being treated as you are is not ok and there is no excuse for it. Don't convince yourself there is. At 35, you have your whole life ahead of you! Do not waste it trying to be this woman's saviour, then realizing, at 50, you cannot fill that role. Nobody can.
Best of luck to you.
You aren't abandoning her -- you got her set up for 40 hours a week of Medicaid home health! It has been her choice to reject them! Getting on "enough of a physical upswing to get mad at me" isn't helpful, it's enabling her anger. Spending most of your own paycheck on her is just going to cause both of you to spiral down in the end.
The "secret trick" to stop the pain is this: stop sacrificing your current and future life to trying to rewrite your childhood. It was what it was, she is who she is, she WILL be fine without you. Stop the pain by moving out and focusing on your own life. That is what a LOVING mother would want for you. That is what you deserve. Please, please, please get some therapy to enable you to understand that you are deserving of the best in life, and that means freedom from your unreasonable mother. Please let us know how it goes and how you're doing.
Please have her checked for a UTI.
After that, make other plans for her care. Her dementia and care needs will increase and so will your resentment. You are in a dysfunctional relationship with her, you are not "helping her health and are why she's currently on enough of a physical upswing to get mad at me daily."
You are codependent, a Rescuer, etc etc. Please see a therapist (even if you've seen one in the past) to get a professional and objective perspective on your current situation, decisions and boundaries (or lack thereof).
There are other solutions for your Mom's care -- you just need to accept them as such.
May you receive clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you create and defend healthy boundaries and go on guilt-free to live the life you deserve.
And then add in your mother’s history of cruel, abusive behavior, personality disorder/mental issues, and whatever the h$ll is wrong with her now.
“I don't want my last memories of her to be fighting and me abandoning her.”
I’m afraid whatever you decide to do, your last memories of this woman are unlikely to be happy ones, unfortunately. 😞
You are young. Let me tell you that those years fly by after the age of thirty.
I had a raging parent who was an alcoholic. I stayed because of learned helplessness. She died at sixty-six. I had been attacked verbally and physically. I was physically attacked over three times.
This is no way for a young person to live. You will never get her approval.
There are women here on this board who have more experience handling this type of person. This person is a rageaholic, and it has to do with the wiring of her brain. It could be an organic brain disorder or a personality disorder.
Whatever you do, get counseling to unpack some of this baggage so that you can replace it with new tools that will propel you out of this situation.
You now find yourself bitter and angry. And you want to know a "trick" to stop pain.
I think it's worth considering who you are angry at.
Most humans are programmed to move AWAY from abuse.
When we choose to move TOWARD abuse there is a reason.
I'm not a psychologist/psychiatrist, but I'd recommend seeking analysis/treatment from one or the other.
When "martyrdom" is CHOSEN there aren't secret "tricks" to make it happy. It is by definition suffering. By definition it includes "suffering or dying for your beliefs".
I think it would be useful for you to explore exactly what your "beliefs" ARE.
I would recommend professional help and "journaling". As to that journaling? Use art, collage, color to make of it a sort of "Zen". A pieceful place to visit your own thinking.
I wish you the very best of luck. The very good news here is that your mother will soon die. The very bad thought is: "What then?" Where will you find another abusive person to care for? And why?
How old is she?
I've read some answers and I think they're pretty good - you don't need to be the hands-on carer of an abusive parent, or even of a good parent. I think that's it in a nutshell.
Now to you.
I can tell from how you have explained your situation that you are highly intelligent and that you are a caring person. I think it's time you started to care for you.
I know that adults who experienced abuse as children often become people pleasers. There could be a myriad reasons, but the ones I know for sure are that abused children (and the adults they grow into) please others in order to avoid further abuse, and that they often try to become the opposite of what their abusers were.
It isn't healthy to be a people pleaser. You place your own needs last, making others' needs a priority. This spills over into other relationships too - this pattern of behaviour repeats with friends, lovers and colleagues.
Those who suffered abuse usually have difficulty creating and maintaining boundaries. This makes them open to further abuse.
Abused people often make excuses for their abusers and take the blame for how they are treated.
Do you recognise any of these traits in yourself?
If so, don't blame yourself for reacting the same way as countless others who were abused. It's not your fault.
But, make a decision now (I bet you find that difficult, too - making decisions). Decide to move forward with your life and to stop taking the blame and responsibility for things that were never your fault.
Your mum needs to be moved into assisted living, or similar. If she isn't compliant and it's her home, just move out. Do what you can to arrange for carers, for your own peace of mind. If she's not compliant with that, there's nothing else you can do.
If it's your home, then you may need to evict your mum. Or, if you're renting, find another place but don't take your mum with you.
By trying to arrange outside agency help, you are helping your mum, but you can't force her to accept help. Don't do any more than that.
It's time you looked after your own wellbeing and put yourself first.