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I have read back on posts that go back many years. The issue of vanity, lack of regard for caretakers time and effort, and then refusing to use the very tools that brought my mother back some independance amazes me. My mother now needs a cleaning person, I have emphatically told her I will not do this. I have my own family and job. She does not want to spend any money. She has enough. She went from being flat on her back, in and out of hospitals and rehabs, to a walker to a cane in 10 weeks and now doesn't want to use any aid. I can visual see her imbalance. What is one to do? It makes me just want to stay away. There's also an issue with meals. She was getting a meal at a center daily but now refuses to think of going back. Confidence or doesn't want to be seen with a cane? I am not trying to take away anyone's independance. I am not trying to control anything. I am trying to help but I feel any boundaries I try to set for myself are ignored. I don't want her not using a cane if she's in my company (ie: taking her to the doctor) I see vanity and quite frankly selfishness. How do I deal with this? I have siblings who live far away and the ones who are close are almost forcing her care onto my shoulders. But, everyone did pitch in to get her back into her house on a second floor with steps. Made it totally safe with lighting and everything else that could be thought of. She could not have asked for a better team. Now everyone has moved back to their own lives. I honestly do not know what to do. The stubbornness is just unbelievable. Any suggestions to help her make safety first?

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Keep your boundaries. Don't give in because once u do, she will take advantage. Good for you that u told her you wouldn't clean. If u are a senior and working you just don't have the energy to do what you need to do at home let alone do it for someone else too. Your Moms house can't be that dirty. She may need one good cleaning and then just once a month. Swifter has a duster that keeps dust at bay and the Swifter for running around uncarpeted floors.
Can get a light weight vacuum. All she should be able to handle. Then she can hire someone once a month. Shouldn't cost her that much. The food thing is a concern. Try to explain the center is a good place to socialize. That you r not going to be there 24/7. Moms daycare gave breakfast and lunch. It was great. Last, she is going to have to fall and go to the hospital before she realizes that she needs a walker or cane.
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didnotsignup, your Mother and mine are the same when it comes to not wanting people to know they are getting up in years. I was amazing how well your Mom improved, hopefully I could do that at her age :)

My Mom was also in her mid-90's. Mom also didn't want my Dad going outside with his new rolling walker, good heavens what would the neighbors think? Earth to Mom, the neighbors were probably thinking "it's about time". Mom did use her cane when she went to doctor appointments.

My parents wouldn't blow the dust off their savings to have caregivers or cleaning crews, even though they needed such services. I was like you, I didn't do any cleaning... I had my own home to deal with.... maybe if I was in my 20's or 30's I could do it, but not being a senior citizen myself. That ship sailed a long time ago.

There isn't a whole lot we can do, especially if your Mom had clear thinking, and being stubborn and selfish. No matter what we suggest, it will go in one ear out the other. I tried to get my parents to sell their house and move into senior living. My Mom refused, nope, never, nada.

Sadly all we can do as grown children is sit by the phone and wait for another emergency where we need to call 911. That is what happened to my Mom, too bad "stubborness" couldn't have been written on the death certificate when she passed at 98 years old.
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I see perhaps another issue: overconfidence. It must be very comforting and a source of pride and accomplishment that she was able to recover so well. And perhaps that has given her a false sense of what she's able to accomplish now.

I think you're going to have to wait until that illusion is, unfortunately, dispelled, although I think others may have suggestions on convincing her how to accept help.

In my situation, that milestone was reached after a particularly challenging hospitalization and not very helpful rehab stay, after having experienced very positive results at the same facility several times before.

It was as if a realization had just taken place. Now I'm scrambling to get help on board.

Your mother may need to bask in the light of her accomplishments, and I think that would be helpful if you can find other reasons for support in the home, but I'm not sure now how this can be done successfully until there's another incident and she suddenly realizes that she isn't invulnerable (and that's probably going to be a shock to her).

Or perhaps you can offer the suggestion that help in the home will be more likely to provide support so that she doesn't go through another fall and recovery, a kind of preventive measure.

Do you have access and authority to spend her money? If so, and if she doesn't monitor it regularly, you could therapeutically fib her and tell her that you're paying for the help.

I am concerned though about a "house on a second floor with steps." Could you describe this more, even though it's apparently been upgraded to a higher safety level? Still, older people are at significant risk for climbing stairs.
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