My mother (89) is constantly misplacing things and accuses my husband and I of being the Devil.

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Lately I have been wondering if she hides things to get me to look for them and forgets where she puts them. She has also been bad mouthing me to my cousins. None of her affairs are in order. My brother has washed his hands of us but he is the wonderful son even though he has seen her once in the past 5 years. Is there anyone who can give me advice? Things have been going downhill fast and I have no support

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My Grandmother went through the same sort of things, hiding things, accusing others of stealing.we found all sorts of silly things all wrapped up in her closet and drawers like children's gumball toys, pop tops, silly stuff. Then jewelry and money next. This was long before there were many types of dementia studied. She also cut up all of her old family photos. Its very sad, what you are going through, but there it a lot of help available to you, and now you need to be sure to have her evaluated by a specialist, and get her legal paperwork in order, Will, POA, both medical and financial. Get on her checking account, so that you can manage her bills. Document everything! Including her falls, accusations, so that you can prove a history of her blaming others, and notify the Dr of this. It's such a difficult time for you right now, so be sure to take care of yourself! Dealing with an angry narcissistic, if that's what she is, is so hard, and you have to set boundaries for yourself. The more family support, the better! Take care!
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Koko 12, You and your husband can not be the devil because my 91 year old demented Mother says that my husband and I are the devil. I will not let you steal our job. Says that we are stealing from her and hiding things on her. Do you think that your Mother and my Mother are sisters and were separated at birth? Stranger things have happened. On a more serious note it is the path that dementia takes. As far as your bother being such a great son and seeing her once in 5 years....well the people who do the most for demented parents are hated by them and the ones who do nothing are loved. Does not make sense but this is the pattern that they follow.
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I see a several problems here - the losing things, paranoia and accusations. that marked early dementia for my mother and as others have said is very common.

- her perception of your brother as the "golden boy" even though he does not help is typical of a parent with narcissism.

- your bro who has washed his hands pf his family so you have no family support

You are not alone -a number of us have similar problems and get our support from here and possibly other similar places.

Your mother needs an evaluation re dementia by a geriatric psychiatrist or similar professional because of the accusations. If she is diagnosed with dementia there are drugs which can help somewhat. Some of it you have to cope with by learning about dementia - reading materials on dementia and reading threads here and other materials on line or in books, joining a support group.

You need to get POA medical and financial if she is still competent enough to sign them. Providing more info will help people to respond.

Long term planning is a good idea. If she is with you do you think you can cope with 24/7 care, which she will likely need eventually, or would it be better for her to be placed? Medicaid does covers costs for care if she does not have the resources. Is your husband supportive? Could he cope with 24/7 care and so on.

Hope you comer back and let us know more about your situation. It is so confusing at the start when they begin to do this and getting the right resources in place can be tricky. (((((((hugs)))))
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Koko, what you describe is so common. Jeanne and blannie gave excellent advice. Her behavior does sound like dementia, so it is good to be working with a doctor who understands the problems of elderly people. The best way I've found for dealing with false accusations is just to reassure by saying, "Don't worry, I would never do that." Simple truth can sometimes help. Let the people who are close to you know what is going on so that they will know to take what your mother says with a grain of doubt. If it is dementia, there is no way to stop it yourself. It is just a phase she is going through. I hope it will pass soon, because I know it is difficult to hear. Words can hurt, even when we know they come from a damaged mind.
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Yes, it sounds like your mom likely has some form of dementia, which means her brain isn't working correctly, so she can't help what she's doing. I would suggest you start reading the threads on dementia on here and you'll see a lot of posts with similar situations to what you're experiencing with your mom.

You need to get her seen by a good doctor who understands dementia and how to help you all cope with it, if that's what your mom has. And you need to educate yourself and your family about dementia and how it operates. But do tell us more about your situation, so we can give you better advice.
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Sounds like normal dementia behavior.

Can you provide a little background? Are you your mother's caregiver? Do you live together? Her home or yours? What are her impairments that require caregiving?

How long has this "misplacing" things been going on?

Is the badmouthing behavior new?

How recently has she seen a doctor? What kind of doctor?

The caregivers on this site are dealing with a huge range of situations and behaviors. If you provide a little more specific information you are more likely to get specific advice.

Welcome to AgingCare.
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