The reason why mothers are critical and demanding of their children is because they can't do what they are demanding to be done their own selves. This makes them feel dependent and ineffective. Dependence brings contempt and resentment; remember your teen-aged years?. After 'raising' my 92 year old mother in law and my 81 year old (even more demanding) mother, I am vowing that I will not be irrationally demanding in my old age. Who knows? Maybe I will get lucky and die before I reach that level of frustration.
If mom treated the caregiver or cleaning lady the way you describe, they would quit. I am extra polite to them because I never want to offend them. Our moms are comfortable with us and we are familiar. Limit contact when she mistreats you. I make myself real scarce sometimes. Amazing how sweet they can be when they miss you.
If you read a list of Alzheimer's symptoms, you'll see "lack of empathy" on the list. This includes having an inability to see things from anyone else's perspective. The Alzheimer's patient will become totally self centered. If she needs something, she'll see no reason why you shouldn't provide it. If she wants a drink of water, she'll just say "give it to me". No please and thank you. No consideration if you are busy. Just do it. If this person wants some cola from the grocery store, they'll call and order you to go get it. The fact that it's the middle of the night, and you were asleep when they called has no meaning for them. They CANNOT see it from your point of view; only their own. If they want something, then their having that something is the only thing that is wanted. By anyone. In their minds you, and everyone else in the world wants her to have what she wants, now. Empathy is required for a person to factor in the needs, desires and abilities, and most importantly, feelings of others. When empathy is gone you become a mere "thing" to that Alzheimer's person. A thing has no needs, desires, or feelings. And that is how they treat you. ...What to do about it, I don't know. Knowing this helped me understand how my sweet, kind and caring father turned into a self centered, inconsiderate, demanding and thankless dictator. But that doesn't help deal with the situation when you have to put up with it for years and years. I was never able to get him to realize that he was not the center of the universe; and it never got easier.
Blooop, living with a parent during adulthood is difficult, even more so when the parent has Alzheimer's, because they have a tendency to treat you like a child, usually from a critical parent perspective. Add to that the memory loss that makes her forget you already did this, that and the other, or that you are working and getting older and don't have the same energy you used to have, and it makes for an unhappy living situation.
My mother is the same way about housework and, like Chris, I have been financially dependent on my parents for a place to live because I have not been able to find and keep work because of my disability (except for a working poor waged part time job which is physically demanding). I get so frustrated because she can receive free housekeeping services from Veteran's Affairs but is too proud to take advantage. When I find she is too overbearing I will assert myself and basically tell her to back off. The one thing that keeps me sane is maintaining my own sense of self (albeit difficult when living with an aging parent with dementia) by working on my self employment and working outside a few hours a day. That provides balanced and positive social feedback and gives you a sense of purpose, so you can put things in perspective. It's a really tough call, though.
I believe your mother treats you like a maid because it allows her to deny to herself that she's needy and dependent. This way she can feel powerful and in charge, whereas if she had to ask you nicely or acknowledge that you have a choice about helping her, she would have to accept that she's dependent on your help and can't do it for herself. That's scary and unacceptable to a lot of elderly.
When I was younger, I never imagined my mother would turn to her kids for help in her old age. She was just too controlling, independent and egotistical to admit weakness or to put herself at anyone else's mercy, especially her own kids. It was only when it happened that I began to realize how she gets around her own neediness and helplessness - by taking charge of the situation and acting like she is the lady of the manor and we are her staff.
I'm not saying I have sympathy for this or find this acceptable - I don't. I confront my mother about it whenever it gets too annoying, but I have to say it does no good. Mostly I work on myself - figuring out what I'm willing to do and not do and learning to set boundaries with her. That has proven more fruitful than my efforts to change her.
Im getting scared wondering if I could turn into a monster in my 70s like my mom. She Doesn't do ANYTHING for herself ( except her 3 min bath once a week ) She rolls her laundry down the steps for me to wash , I cook dinner EVERY day and she complains to everybody that I cook to much processed foods ( but for 50 years her dinner was BEER ) she wont do ANYTHING for herself ( without being told ). She thinks its HALARIOUS to tell people shes my toddler now. My toddlers did more for themselves than she does ( TRUE STORY ) She is physically and mentally capable of doing anything she wanted but chooses to do NOTHING and I mean NOTHING. ( unless it involves doctors or her meds then shes all over it, but Im still the one who has to take her ) she admitted she hadn't cleaned her floor 1 time in the whole 2 years she has lived in my attic. she just watches tv all day and calls people to complain. Shes made our lives pure hell, and its pure laziness mixed with pure narcissism. I wouldn't wish her on my worst enemy.
1 golf lady -- I'm sorry for you, and hope your mother doesn't have access to beer or other alcoholic drinks. Since your mother enjoys her doctor visits, perhaps you can ask her doctor to "prescribe" a daily housekeeping routine for her to carry out in her space. You will not turn into a monster in your 70s. I'm almost 85, and have been careful not to repeat my mother's behavior of standing in the middle of the living room saying, "I don't know where to begin (household routines.)" And that was decades before my mother had Alzheimer's.
arianne777 no she does not have access to alcohol. I hated her when she was drunk and I would draw the line in the sand if she started drinking anything with alcohol. Love your Idea about the dr prescribing her a housekeeping routine. She tells everybody else how much she misses doing housework but has actually told me ( while watching me push a broom ) how much she ENJOYS watching other people work.. But meanwhile shes going to start wasting away because she is so lazy. Use it or lose it is TRUE !! Shes on a list for a low income senior apartment ( has been on it for a YEAR... god help me ) but when she gets her own place again shes going to get a crash course in life.
My father has dementia and is continuously turning things over in his mind that need to be done. Sometimes it comes out as things he is telling me to do, when he really means it as things he is afraid he might forget. I have to keep reminding myself that every day is Ground Hog Day for him. So I reassure him that I have it under control and everything will get taken care of. Or I give him a way to participate so he can have some control in it getting done. On the other hand, his visiting caregiver unplugged the toilet yesterday and he feels that she is a miracle worker and he needs to do something special for her, even while I have unplugged that toilet numerous times (which he has forgotten). You always take for granted the person who is there for you the most.
or cleaning lady the way you describe,
they would quit.
I am extra polite to them
because I never want to offend them. Our moms
are comfortable with us and we are familiar.
Limit contact when she mistreats you.
I make myself real scarce sometimes.
Amazing how sweet they can be when they miss you.
What are your mom's physical limitations/disabilities? Is she unable to do things for herself?
How long has this been going on?
If you can elaborate a little more it might help you get more detailed responses.
My mother is the same way about housework and, like Chris, I have been financially dependent on my parents for a place to live because I have not been able to find and keep work because of my disability (except for a working poor waged part time job which is physically demanding). I get so frustrated because she can receive free housekeeping services from Veteran's Affairs but is too proud to take advantage. When I find she is too overbearing I will assert myself and basically tell her to back off. The one thing that keeps me sane is maintaining my own sense of self (albeit difficult when living with an aging parent with dementia) by working on my self employment and working outside a few hours a day. That provides balanced and positive social feedback and gives you a sense of purpose, so you can put things in perspective. It's a really tough call, though.
When I was younger, I never imagined my mother would turn to her kids for help in her old age. She was just too controlling, independent and egotistical to admit weakness or to put herself at anyone else's mercy, especially her own kids. It was only when it happened that I began to realize how she gets around her own neediness and helplessness - by taking charge of the situation and acting like she is the lady of the manor and we are her staff.
I'm not saying I have sympathy for this or find this acceptable - I don't. I confront my mother about it whenever it gets too annoying, but I have to say it does no good. Mostly I work on myself - figuring out what I'm willing to do and not do and learning to set boundaries with her. That has proven more fruitful than my efforts to change her.
I hope this helps in your situation.
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