She insists that she takes her own baths and just took one, which of course she didn't. She cannot get out of the tub on her own. She will only bathe....has never taken a shower. I have tried everything. I have her tub set up with shower chair and removable shower head with hose.
Say in a cheery voice, ok, "it's time for your bath now,"... help her get undressed,
walk her to the shower, and help or standby. Then, be prepared to help her dry off and get re-dressed.
If she feels uncomfortable with you, a hospice provider would send someone in to help with showering.
If she is still resistant to that, you can help her with sponge baths. Either prepare a large bowl, or the bathroom sink with warm water, a soft towel and some soap, and guide her to wash as much as she can. It won't be perfect. But it will be more than she is doing now. Or alternatively, some pre-moistened wash cloths, to at least wipe the face, neck, underarms, and between the legs.
You can get something for her to sit comfortably and soak her feet in warm water with Epsom salt. It doesn't have to be one of those fancy foot-baths - just a basin, like you would use for dishes in the sink, will do.
Treat her like its a spa day. Let her feel pampered and taken care of. She might be more open to such treatment. And, don't worry about daily bath or showering. She's probably not up to it any more. At least once a week, with a quick underarm clean in-between, will help for now.
You can wash her hair while she is sitting up in a chair or wheelchair.
Place some absorbent pads underneath first. Then, apply a little shampoo, lathered up in your hands, and give a little relaxing scalp massage. Then, gently pour some warm water over to rinse. And quickly pat with a dry towel.
Her comfort should be considered every step of the way. What is preventing her from showering now? If you can identify her concerns or fears, you know where you can help to remove those fears.
There are LOTS of reasons she may resist. Google / learn why some elder people do not want to bathe, i.e., they fear drowning.
"Some seniors avoid bathing out of fear of falling. Their vision may not be as clear as it once was, and they may feel unsteady standing in the shower or stepping in and out of the tub. Loss of mobility, muscle mass, and arthritis may make bathing or showering painful or difficult."
I question why you sound so insistent on getting her in a shower when you can do most of these hygiene needs in a bed or sitting on a chair. You say you've tried everything - have you tried a sponge bath?
You do not tell us ...
- how old your mom
- if she has dementia
- (What) physical limitations.
- If she lives with you / alone, etc.
All this information / background is needed for us to provide useful support / ideas on how to proceed. However, if you google as I mentioned above, you will get some important information on the 'why' and 'how' to proceed.
Gena / Touch Matters
Sometimes getting them into the tub or shower is the same as getting an unruly kid having a tantrum into it. You did the right thing telling her that you would not be fighting with her and that she's getting washed up. You stayed in control of the situation and got done what needed to be done.
In many ways a bedbound individual is easier to care for. Especially if they are not longer being transferred to a chair.
My mother (97) wouldn't have showered since 2017 if I had allowed it.
Once a week she gets a shower. She doesn't like the process, (she hates being wet) but when it's over she's happy and loves the fresh curls in her hair. I don't discuss it with her. I just walk her into the shower, sit her on the chair and get it done.
I also change her clothes every day and keep her clean and wiped up.
This is a dictatorship, not a democracy.
We found out that my dad had slipped in the shower putting him off and once said he nearly didnt get out of the bath - so that was the basis of the problem - then the effort it took getting clothes off and washing - pain and lack of mobility = was the second big issue.
we helped my dad remove his clothes and change to a pair of boxer shorts then we helped wipe him down turning out back or holding towel up for him to wash private areas. Each day at same time the routine was wash time. Sometimes he would say i am not dirty - to which the answer is we wipe down daily and am setting the water. After a while it became routine and we were then with a little difficulty able to throw in a sit in the shower on a chair as well -
we then helped him dry and put on clothes - turning at private areas to give him some dignity.
If severe protests continue tell her straight - if she doesnt care for herself they will deem her unfit to live by herself and move her into care.
We also gave my after something to look forward to after - we will have a nice cup of tea after this then complimented him on how nice he looked and how fresh he was. Over time he actually agreed. Its not an over night process but keep drilling it and keep to a routine.
Thank you responders for the reminder to review the day and date every day, every shift change (my parents have 24/7 in their home).
I hope you find a way that helps to simplify and ease this transition.
God Bless
Does your mother have homecare who can help her shower? She can't take baths anymore if she can't get up.
Note- They will always think they had a shower yesterday because they don’t process time or language well so yesterday may mean “not so long ago.”
If you can ever get into shower, make sure it is a pleasant experience-slow, calm, let her help hold sprayer or wash cloth, give her towel to put over eyes when you do hair, massage her back, head, shoulders. Afterward, dry thoroughly, use lotion, file toenails and fingernails. We only do this once a week. I think she would like it more but I only have the energy for once a week - that is why I thoroughly clean bottom each morning and then apply salve/lotion to bottom to prevent sores. Keep bedding washed at minimum weekly, and air room when not in it.
wherever there is a crease, wherever skin meets skin. You can always wash their hands wherever they are just by bringing the wash cloth to them. Especially if they're going to go somewhere, you can tell them you have to wash up a little first. You can try that and it may or may not work. Another thing is this....
The stronger language you use with them the worse it's going to be. If you act like they are going to push back they probably will. Try to set routines. After eating wash face and hands. Washing hands and face does not have to always be done in the bathroom. Especially if they like to go out or have something special they love to do, Tell them you can do that but they need to wash up "a little" first. "This will take just a very short time and then we can be on our way". Or something like, "We can hurry up and get our hands washed and our faces washed and then we can go". DO NOT ask their permission because you can tell they're gonna say no!!
A sliding bench from the toilet to the shower was installed.
Always ensure the water is warm. Let them feel the water temperature on their feet before going anywhere on their body.
Lots of encouragement: "You smell so nice", "I like it when my man is clean and shaved". "You are so handsome".
After the shower tell them how much better they feel now that they are clean.
I schedule the shower after lunch to put him in bed for a nap.
Install grab-bars in the shower so they have confidence they aren't going to slip and fall.
My perspective is they associate a shower with being cold so try to minimize them being cold.
With my mother, I had to accept that with bathing, she had to call the shots. The more I nagged her, the more indignant and rebellious she became and the more she refused to wash or even change her diaper. When I backed down, she wouldn't bathe every day but every third or fourth day would ask me to help her into the shower. In between showers, every morning I would get her to wash her hands in the sink and while she was doing that, I'd clean her with hospital grade bathing wipes. This went well for awhile for a few years but as of last month, does not take baths anymore. I use hospital shower wipes, and she's fine.
I don't know how far along your mother is with her dementia or how bad her health is, but just know that there'll come a time when showers and baths are out of the question, and you'll have to use bathing wipes from that moment out, which is what hospitals use. With some people, it's like there's a switch marked bathing/no bathing that gets switched off permanently. A nurse who took care of my mother during one of her hospital visits confirmed it. She said she sees this all the time with dementia patients. She says that it doesn't make sense to them at their age and health to take baths and showers anymore and then ended with a cryptic, "They catch pneumonia fast."
I don't know if she was saying that maybe it's an instinctive thing to avoid showers because of potential pneumonia or they're just afraid of catching pneumonia but just know that it's not a simply a dementia issue, but something else. For instance, Christina Applegate admitted that since her MS progressed, she's become terrified of showers.
The terror is real. One of the biggest thing I ever regretted was making my father take a shower. He was in a shower chair and everything and in no danger of falling, wasn't in pain, water was perfect temperature, or but was so stressed out, he blacked out. I literally thought I had killed him, but no, he was fine but now knowing this "terror" angle, I feel in retrospect that I must have been like a torturer subjecting him to waterboarding. Showering is just this bizarre primal-like terror that some people with advanced age/dementia/illness have. If I had known then what I knew now, I would've never done that but I had no idea this was such a "thing". I thought the not taking a shower thing was just a head trip, a pride thing (older person not wanting to feel helpless, etc.) but it's not. It comes with the territory and you'll have to do with it the best you can. Not showering becomes a New Normal. I know it sucks, especially if your parents were the cleanest, most fastidious people you knew, but unfortunately yes, they may come to a point where they don't care about bathing, brushing, grooming, etc.
Second, don't take the foul language and insults personally. It's hard, especially if your mom didn't "act" that way in the past. Let her argue and curse. If you haven't already, you just might want to try telling her to watch her mouth, or even tell her to shut her mouth. That might be tough to do, too, when you've been raised to respect your parents/elders, but a little shock to her might do the trick.
Third, have you tried the guilt trip? That's has worked with our loved one sometimes. "Your mother raised you to bath everyday - not just yesterday." Or, if she still thinks her mother is still living, something to the effect that grandma said take a bath.
Praying for you, for wisdom, patience, and breakthrough.
Is she cold? Get a space heater.
Is the stream of water too forceful? Get a hand held unit she can control.
Is the shower floor slippery? Get her water shoes from Amazon. This was my mother's problem and once the water shoes were put on, she was fine.
One woman was scared of the mirrors and being seen naked in them. Cover up the mirrors with towels.
If you can figure out what the issue is and fix it, then set 2 days a week for showers and don't ask.....just say Lets Go Mom, Time To Shower. No choices. Tell her the doctor ordered daily showers if she insists she took one yesterday. Tough love, be firm but insistent yourself.
If all else fails, hire a bath aide whos EXPERIENCED giving showers to elders with dementia.
Good luck to you.
That way she'll feel safe and you'll know that she's actually clean because you cleaned her yourself.
I would have to help my late husband into his walk in shower, sit him down and then wash him up real good, and then again help him out and dry him off.
And yes I always got a little wet in doing so, but at least my husband got his needed showers and he felt safe with me right there.
And of course if you're not comfortable bathing your mom, you can always hire an aide to come at least twice a week to do so, and then use the extra large body wipes and waterless shampoo caps for the in-between.
My aunt would fib that she sponge bathed. I knew it wasn't true because you smelled her.
When her neighbor would visit, she would want to sit and be social, and smelly.
Afterwards, I couldn't take it, and told her, I was getting her bath ready. She went to her room, shut the door, jumped in the bed, and threw the covers over her head. I don't believe I saw her spring so fast. She just wouldn't listen to me andwouldn'tlet me bathe her. Probably about three times I had luck.
So now my cousin has help coming, and since the help isn't family, I think the caregiver is having better luck than I did. Sometimes it takes an outsider that they'll listen to.
Chances are she also needs help toileting as well.
"Mom, I have your bath ready" Then you bring her into the bathroom and help her.
If you think about how many steps there are to getting a bath or shower ready then actually taking the bath or shower and "we" do it all without thinking of all the steps.
The alternate would be to hire someone to come in 2 or 3 days a week to give mom a bath or shower.