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On the first of October my mom called me crying because she couldn't deal with her boyfriend anymore. He was treating her badly, taking advantage of her, couldn't keep a job. My fiance and I discussed letting her live with us and we both agreed that it would be okay until she could get back on her feet because she didn't have anywhere else to go. I am an only child and we don't have very many people in our family especially anyone with the resources to let her move in with them.

Well it's the middle of January now and she is still with us. She got back together with her boyfriend about 2 months ago and has been staying there occasionally. He has been treating her a lot better and not taking advantage of her anymore, being a lot more loving and things. When this started my fiance said that the first month she shouldn't worry about paying us anything and should just worry about getting caught up on the bills that she was so far behind on. But it's been almost 4 months and she still hasn't been helping us at all. She has a low income and doesn't have an opportunity to increase her income at all. She has always helped with chores around the house however.

Now my fiance is to the point where he can't handle this anymore. There is no way she can live on her own, and although her boyfriend has been doing a lot better with feelings and acting towards her he still can't keep a job, partly because of a heart condition he has. He is thinking about moving to Iowa where he has family and mom is torn between going with him or not. My fiance and I were in the process of discussing moving 2 hours away for his job and she can't come with us, but she can't stay here by herself either.

She doesn't know if she should go with her boyfriend or try and look into low income housing here and be all by herself. I don't think she will be able to afford even low income housing.

My fiance is leaving me because he feels that we will always be supporting my mom and he can't handle the stress of that. He has a daughter that he has to support also. I feel like I can't kick my mom out, but I really don't want to lose my fiance either. I really am at the end of my rope and I do not know what to do.

If anyone has any advice at all or would like any clarification on anything I would definitely appreciate it. Thank you.

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Lydia123, honor your mother. Love her. Help her figure out what resources are available to enable her to be independent. There are other options besides living with you or living with an abusive boyfriend. Help her find out what they are.

It was kind of you to give your mother some breathing space so she could get back on her feet. It was generous of your boyfriend to go along with that. That period is up. This is moving from generous temporary assistance to unhealthy dependency. Do the loving thing for Mom ... help her get on her feet, which is what you agreed to in the first place, and which is what would be best for her.

If your relationship with your boyfriend is intended to be a committed permanent bond (with or without marriage) then that must come first in your life. Helping family members in appropriate ways is fine, but letting that help interfere with your primary relationship is unhealthy and self-defeating.

Can you honor your mother and also put your committed relationship first? Of course you can! Healthy adults do that all the time.
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If you have given up your work and making your mortgage payments, then how have you had any money and where does it come from for you to be able to help your father and mother with their bills?

Guys can expression emotion and deal with things like that. What we can't deal with is a spouse or fiance who is more emotionally attached to mom or to dad than to them. You wouldn't want your fiance or spouse to be more attached emotionally to his mom or dad than to you would you? Of course not and we hear that valid complaint often this site.
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Wow! I completely understand you I have a fiancé and I'm going to the same thing with my father you're not alone my father's not living with us however I asked my fiancé one day if that was an option if it would be okay? he didn't answer but it becomes a burden on our relationship financially everything. My dad suffered from a stroke and is on a gastric G-tube I feed him and hats week at fault and my family is very unappreciated I sacrificed work my mortgage and a lot of my personal life in time and I don't care that's my father it's my obligation to take care of him. he gave me Life and has made some mistakes in past and I am able to move beyond that and have nothing against him. My family only have brothers older they don't really don't care you only care about my mother supposedly but she is really stressed out she is getting vampire sick.I'm worried about her as well and help her with her bills and my father as much as possible so they don't fight constantly like they always do. I feel very appreciated by everybody and stress and cry every day and I know the storm will come to an end. If someone really loves you that's going to be there with you and asked your hand in marriage make my fiancé. It's not their obligation but they should understand we all struggle and must maintain through the good times and bad! Perfect quote: " if they could handle you at your best then they should be able to handle you at your worst as well"!!!!! Guys are different they can't express emotion or deal with things like this. it's easier for them to walk away just remember that and stay strong God bless! Peace and love always to you. Lu
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As an adult, one's aim is to be able to work, support oneself and love. Your mother apparently isn't able to do that and is attempting to involve you in a co-dependent relationship. This is what your fiance is sensing.

Is your mother mentally and physically healthy? Would she qualify for some counselor services or a caseworker from a charitable organization? Try to help her identify resources that will allow her to live independentlyv or in a group setting so that you can get on with your own life.

You would also benefit from seeing a mental health counselor or therapist to help you establish some boundaries.
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I think if you select your mom over your fiance, then he is right to be leaving for you are not really ready to get married to him or probably to anyone right now.
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I am so torn with this. I would side with keeping my mom over keeping a fiance. He is not your husband.
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How old is your mother?

What are her health problems?

How was she living on her own before you too her in? Why can't she afford low income housing? What housing was she living in before? I mean before she met and moved in with her boyfriend.

What bills had she built up and how much debt is she in? What kind of job does she have and how much money does she make?

How old is this boyfriend? Has he been steeling her money, abusing her, what? He has probably only stopped taking advantage of her temporarily.

If their relationship is that unstable, she doesn't need to be moving with her boyfriend to Iowa.

What kind of work does he do?

How long have you and your fiance been engaged? When were ya'll planning on getting married.

What job does he have now and why does he need to move 2 hours away for his job?

How old is his daughter?

What kind of job do you have?

I can see where your fiance is tired of this because it does look like you will always be supporting your mother. On the other hand, your mother needs to decide if she is going to totally move back in with her boyfriend or break off the relationship which does not sound very healthy or stable to me.
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