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Since my mother started living with us back in December I have lost my independence. I feel like a teenager with a curfew. I get the third degree when I go out to see a friend and she always asks how long I'll be. My husband has now started yelling at her when this happens. I hate conflict so I just walk out out of the house. Eventually I have to return and it's always awkward.

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I will keep you updated with my mom's doctor's appt and thanks for the great suggestion, Babalou, for writing things down. That will be very helpful at the doc appt. again thanks for the support.
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Bbear, I want you to think about something: if you asked a young child if they were nervous about their mom not coming home, they probably wouldn't say yes. But they might well say, I want my mom to spend more time with me ( because THAT S what makes me feel safe. Elders can still be "sharp as a tack " but have lost much cognitive and reasoning ability.

in anticipation of her Dr app next month, start keeping a notebook of her behaviors that you find odd. Thanks for updating!
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Thanks for the update. Let us know how it works out with the doctor's appt.
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Thank you to all who replied to my question about feeling like a teenager. My mother's mind is still very sharp and fortunately she is able to get around pretty well with a cane. My mother, husband and I sat down this morning and had a serious talk about all of this. I asked Mom is she was uneasy about staying alone and if she was nervous about the possibility of me not returning from doing errands, apps, etc and she responded by saying no. However she did say that I should be spending more time with her than spending time with a friend across the road. I was shocked by this. She has a dr.'s appt in Feb so I will ask about a psych eval and if it would be appropriate. If it's not appropriate for her then it will definitely be appropriate for me at that point. :-/ thanks again for your support and suggestions.
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Bbear, I replied on my phone before and wasn't able to see your profile, which semi to say that there is no dementia.

I have to tell you that looking back, this anxiety about where people were and when they were coming home was the very first symptom of my mom's cognitive decline. It's not about memory loss, it's about loss of reasoning skills. A good geriatric neurologist snd/or psychiatrist would be useful at this point.
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Remember that this situation is VERY different from when you were a teenager. Now you have all the power, all the control, all the authority. She can try to give you the third-degree but you can blow her off with a casual "Oh, I'll be back in time to say good night" or "I'll be safe. And I have my cell phone."

You don't have to give her details, no matter how insistent she is. What is she going to do, ground you? :)

You don't need to get into a power struggle. You win, hands down. You do not need to be rude or snide or say "None of your business." Just don't tell her more about your comings and goings than you care to. You are in charge.

Power struggles aside, can you think about why Mom may be acting this way? For one thing I imagine it is very hard to lose one's independence and even worse to become dependent on one you were formerly in charge of. Are there areas of her life where she still is in control? Can you emphasize those? Can you put her in charge of something? Planning weekend menus? Holiday decorating? SOMETHING that you willingly give over to her decisions?

Is she afraid to be alone in the house? Does she have some abandonment issues deep in her past?

If you discover some reasons for her behavior you may be able to make things easier. If this is just retro-habit mothering, resist it.

I think it would be better for Husband to step aside on this one. You are trying to demonstrate that you are all grown up now -- you can fight your own battles. (Although I do admire a husband who sticks up for his wife! If this were his mother I'd say let him handle it.)

You don't have to declare that you won't tolerate being treated like a teenager. Just don't tolerate it. You haven't lost your independence unless you give it up. Don't!
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Why did you and your husband move her into your house? Sounds like it has been about a month and a half since she moved in and you are already feeling trapped! Wow! She must have a very strong, dominate personality.

Were there and are there not alternatives to this arrangement?

Did your husband agree to this?

Has your mother always been this disrespectful of you as her adult daughter?

What assets does your mother have to contribute to her own care?

Do you have siblings who can weigh in on this.

First of all, I want to ask has she been diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer's because she could be so demented in her brain that she thinks that you are a little girl again. You may want to get her to the doctor soon to have her evaluated. Do you have medical and durable POA for her?

However, it that is not the case, then somehow, you and your husband are going to have to put up a united front of boundaries for her of what is and what is not allowed in your hose and politely tell her that she is a guest in your house and in your house she must live by your rules one of which is that you will not tolerate being treated like a teenager and the other is that your marriage is primary and not her. If you and your husband do not stand together in this it could end up hurting your marriage if it hasn't already. Sad to say, but this site is full of stories like your where people move in with parents or the parents move in with them.

How small of a house are ya'll in?
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It's a symptom of cognitive loss. Anxiety and depression need to be treated; this is best done by a geriatric psychiatrist. And have your husband read up on dementia. Yelling isn't going to do anyone any good and might get him in hot water for elder abuse.
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May I assume that Mom is of sound mind? No dementia or early warning signs thereof? (See ALZ . org for signs/symptoms as well as info on this site. Is your Mom afraid to be left alone so she is truly looking for comfort in knowing when you will return? Try some humor, 'gee Mom, I feel like you are checking up on me in my own home! Do you have everything you need before I leave? ' Diversion comments have widespread use in caregiving for seniors. Use them as needed. But a word of caution. Most of us still place our parents in the 'in charge' position. It may be your thinking/interpretation that will require change.
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