Mom (93) has had 25 yrs bladder cancer. She had a kidney scan and they're not working good. Advice? -

Mom (93) has had 25 yrs bladder cancer. She had a kidney scan and they're not working good. Advice?


They're not working good-- will of steel. colitis, 10 yrs hiBP, CDF for 6 yrs. She has an appointment with another dr in Nov. with a plethora of tests beforehand.
- she won't tell me - she's always been steadfast and determined ... a former RN... and doesn't take kindly to accepting help from me
- I've heard it said if one can "control" one's final days/exiting point, that caregivers have to accept that - I'm her only kid & the only of course caregiver
- if she heard me referring to myself as one, she'd hit the roof :)

Her family dr's office won't tell me anything. Mom's a 30+ year patient & I've learned painfully over the decades her dr sucks to deal with.
- I'm in this alone
- of course from the online research I've done there's only 2 treatments for the kidneys... mindful of the net & whoknows.. but neither dialysis or organ replacement is an option I'm sure at her age I don't know
- she voids 3 and now 4X/night - yes she's comforted that she wakes up to go
- her bowels are playing some havoc with her
God's graces she's been mobile for this long. I'm not asking anyone to play God here but can anyone please tell me as its tearing me apart inside and its a long 3 wks til the "kidney" appointment...
- it sounds inevitable, but do I begin really prepping for the end of life stuff?
- I know I should be there already... have been building the "folder" slowly
- I guess safe to say here that its been ftime+ hours these past 6 yrs trying to keep her happy and content... still trying lol
Thank you for any replies.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.


Bless you all for your replies... you're right, GardenArtist.. looking to separate the emotions. Christine73, thanks for pointing out things I never considered in every subject you covered. I will try calling a hospice next week.
No one said end-of-life is easy.. I just hadn't anticipated the gut-wretchedness of it, and for so long.
Love and strength to every one on this site.
Helpful Answer (1)

You have had so much on your plate for so long, you're simply overwhelmed. Beyond overwhelmed. It's difficult to think straight under those circumstances and I applaud you for finding the strength to reach out to this forum. You asked if you should begin thinking about end of life issues. Frankly, I think all caregivers should have an end of life plan, regardless of their parent's health. It is so much easier to do that when you have some time, rather than needing to do it NOW. I do think you should begin prepping. Honestly, I can't tell (and neither can anyone else) how long your mom has to live. I can only say that, as in my mom's case as well, that day will come and we're going to need to prepare. A good start would be making an appointment with a local hospice. Hospice people are generally wonderful. Tell them your situation, that you are the only caregiver for your mom. Tell them about her health issues. Ask what hospice is all about, and what to expect. Also ask them about the admission procedure and what meds they provide under what circumstances, visiting hours, ask to see a room, etc. I had a good friend die in hospice and the kindness they showed her, the good humor, the respect for her dignity and humanity, brought tears to my eyes. Her room was private, clean, and nicely decorated. Her bed was comfortable. There was an extra bed in case a family member wanted to spend the night. It smelled good there. Most institutions have an unpleasant smell, I've found, but this one was quite nice. I think the person from hospice will be very helpful. They are generally kind, intuitive people and may be able to recommend a support group for you, or something else that may not have occurred to you. It's a good first step.
Helpful Answer (1)

And you bet in my opinion however... her apparent dementia is playing a role in this. She's always been so fiercely independent -- she's doing the same as she always does, just the volume's been turned up on the behaviours. And forgetting more stuff. No one wants to hear that though. Yes even her dr... as I am perceived as "challenging" her.

Impossible to switch drs. at this stage, have tried in many (good) ways to get the relatives to either see it, or care enough to phone, write, or maybe even stop in to visit her once a decade as 8 of them live within an hour. This is not due to her behaviour as she's treated them all since gold like birth.
I guess I'm at the point where I've done all I think I can. I'll never know. I guess its good we don't know what the future brings. The uncertainty and recognition that some things are just out of our hands is a tough one. Thanks again JessieBelle.
Helpful Answer (0)

Sadie, I can't offer any more advice than Jessie except that to cherish whatever time you do have, make the most of it, so that there are no regrets when the end comes.

As a former RN, you can try to de-personalize the issues only by thinking of your mother as a patient so that you can put the medical issues in perspective. That might offer some insight into the "how long" question, then put aside your nurse's perspective and take advantage of the fact that you can maximize the time you have with your mother and make her life as comfortable as possible.
Helpful Answer (1)

Hi JessieBelle,
Man I never get those letters correct... its congestive heart failure, should have been CHF. I like your deciphering better lol.

Guess I didn't want too many topics in one question, and I guess its just my opinion that she has dementia. Her dr., her friends of what she has left, and all her relatives are adamantly agreed on that her brain is just aging. When ever they see her she's perky, bright, witty... the merry-go-round though not so merry.
Thank you for your replies and realization I just gotta sit and wait.
Helpful Answer (0)

What is CDF? continuously disease free or something else?
Helpful Answer (1)

Sadie, I don't know what you can do but wait. Your profile says that your mother has dementia. Does she have dementia along with all the other things?
Helpful Answer (1)

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.