Losing patience with My Father at 71. How do I become more understanding?

Good Morning All,
Just a note: I find that speaking slower and more distinctly,  is very helpful to those whose mind does not 'catch' everything quite so quickly as it used to.  Facing a person, even us middle aged people, is helpful in the hearing of a phrase or sentence.  Cognition only comes if you can hear the words clearly. 
My Mom asked the same question several times, within minutes.  I was never sure if she forgot the answer or if she was searching to get the answer that she wanted............ It was hard for her, too, to accept that things would never be the same again,
Have a Great Day and God Bless You ALL!

Well I'm caring for my 79 year old father who other than good morning and maybe remembering the good old days there is zero communication. In the two years since my mom passed his anger is eating him alive. He takes it out on me is civil to the rest of my siblings. If find yourself getting in a mood walk away collect your self and come back level headed. Your fortune that your father speaks to you and is willing to walk with you. My dad tunes me out with the blaring loud t.v. Good luck

71 is too young for what you describe. He needs to be ckd by neurologist. Do it now to get the medication that can help him or diagnosis for you to understand why he isn't the way he used to be. My spouse started w not remembering things he'd normaly know. Took him to his reg. Dr. Did MRI & said just getting old. Can't see anything else. Then he started repeating things so off to neurologist who tested him verbally & was cognitive impairment then next year visit was alzheimers. Not saying that is what your dad has but specialist are trained in seeing differently & give test to detect. Also I must talk more distinct as each word I speak now takes more time for him to get the meaning. Less words are better. I too felt silence needed talk but just you being there brings him happiness. Start preserving his legacy by asking him questions of his life & record it. Where did he sleep as toddler, his favorite toy, sports he played in school, how he met your mom? You'll wish you had done that when it's too late.

I feel your pain. My mom is 85 and lives alone. While I am very busy with my own life, I make time to see her often. Whether it is for doctor's appointments or just taking her to lunch, it is something I do because I know she longs for my presence even though she has friends where she lives. She walk extremely slow because her legs and feet are swollen most of the time and she can't pick her feet up to move like she used to. I also have to repeat myself over and over but I know that is due to her hearing and sometimes her inability to comprehend what I say. She is trying so hard to keep up with how she used to be that her focus is on trying to keep up with me. I deal with this by trying to be and talk about the positive things going on. Your father wants to be with you. You are his security and what makes him feel safe. Maybe that is why he is slow and needs your help in making decisions. ????

Dannyboy21,
I think it helps to be more patient and understanding if you know what's going on and what is causing the behavior. If what you are seeing with your dad looks unusual, then, I'd get it checked out. Even though he's not that old, he could have a condition that he is not aware of or he may not have the ability or good judgment to check it out. Who handles his doctor appointments? I might do a little checking to make sure that his doctor knows what you are seeing, so they can get him proper diagnosis and treatment, if something is off.

Do you know for sure that he's getting his meds, proper diet, hygiene, bills paid, etc.? When my LO started odd behavior, I wasn't sure what was wrong. I got so frustrated. Later, it was revealed that other things were going on too. I wish I had known, because I thought she was rude, lazy or inconsiderate.

#1. Don't ever feel like a bad person. We all have anger issues about numerous things.

What worked for me when I was assisting my dad was to first use the word "assisting" and never "taking care of" him.

Next, think back to when you were 8 yrs old (approx) and your father would lose his patience with you because you were stubborn and wanted to do things your own way.

Hold that thought in your head the next time you lose patience with your father. Yes, I had to do that too. In the middle of attempting to tell him how to do something - I realized things were the same, only reversed. In mid-sentence I changed to, "try it your way Pop. If it doesn't work, please let me know and together we will find a better way for you to do it." This gave him back his independence and also opened the door for him to ask for help. I never had another problem with him in the 7.5 years I assisted him after my mother passed.

If you have to remind him that you are now both adults - that's okay too. I was so blessed to know my father in a totally different capacity and it was a gift from heaven for both of us.

Chances are he actually has something wrong that is causing his behavior such as early or moderate stage dementia, Alzheimer's, etc. My father is 89 and is in moderate stage dementia according to his physician. A simple test done by any good family physician can tell whether his issues are related to a cognitive decline such as dementia. I understand and to some degree, I empathize with you as I have to catch myself before I act out impatiently with my elderly dad. Regardless of whatever is going on, ask yourself this question: If the roles were reversed, how would you want him to treat you, talk to you, assist you with finding what may be causing his behavior? Someday, you may be old too, but becoming old doesn't mean you should be treated as if you are an annoyance to your own daughter.

Danny, how often do you see your father? If you see him once a month or less, he might not seem like the person you remember. You may be thinking of the 50 year old father you once had who walked faster, make quicker decisions etc. We tend to notice changes more when we don’t see someone on a regular basis. But if you see him frequently and these behaviors are a total and sudden change from what he normally was, he needs to see his physician. You could make the appointment and accompany him.

Find the patience you clearly lack.

What you describe is actually pretty normal. I went through the same thing with my own father who had dementia.

The best thing you can do is to just accept it and try to develop a sense of humor about it.

What is your dad's ailment? You don’t note that in your profile. I assume he has either Parkinson's or dementia of some kind. My husband is close to 71 and what you describe is not normal for that age. You may want to take him to see a geriatric specialist if there is one in your area. But as far as your attitude...the hardest thing is to build your character and know that he doesn’t mean to be irritating. When it happens, say to yourself some sort of mantra that helps. For instance, "he can’t help it, but I love him". As far as having to repeat yourself, has he had his hearing checked? Hearing loss is implicated in dementia. Also be sure you are facing him when you talk, get his attention and then talk. Also slow down...I can’t believe how fast younger people talk now days. It’s very frustrating when I call a business and the person rattles off their opening remarks like a speeding bullet. Ridiculous. Also, get yourself some support with a counselor for a few sessions ...who can help give you coping skills.

71 is too young for these types of problems! He should visit a doctor, if he has not been diagnosed with something that would explain these issues. But I know this doesn't answer your question. Give yourself mental a time-out when you feel yourself becoming resentful. Focus on your breathing or actually take a time out, sit him on a bench and take a short walk.

Put yourself in his shoes. He doesn't want to be in this condition and have someone care for him. He has lost his independence and is probably angry.... subconsciously. The closest person to him will receive the backlash. It is no picnic for him and he is facing the inevitable. YOU know his heart and his intentions. I can tell you by experience, though, that unless you take care of yourself, you too will become angry and resentful. In the end, you will realize that it was both a privilege and an honor to care for your parent until he passes. I went thorough what you are and much worse. Patience, understanding, compassion, faith and pray got me through it all.

I feel your pain, my wife is also like a child in many ways but also has very bad back from falls. At times I loose my temper When all the while I know she cannot help herself. The guilt is almost unbearable at times. I pray constantly for strength and understanding. I will pray for you as well.

I also have trouble keeping my patience and temper with my mom. In stores, I give her the cart and go find my own things then come back to her. Sometimes she is still dithering over the same item. She also NEVER understands something when it is explained to her and either I have to go over it several times over several days or I leave her to misunderstand it. There’s no easy fix for me. I get snappish and impatient with her and I don’t like myself when I do, but I also understand it’s human nature and I can’t fix my patience level. When I am at the point where I’m getting snappy; I leave the room, store aisle, or vicinity. I come back when I’m feeling calmer. Don’t feel like you are a bad person. You are imperfect just like everyone else.

I was that way when my Mom started failing as well. We used to be able to visit several shops and run errands and be home by early afternoon. Now, I schedule maybe one or two stops and that's it and we are lucky to be home by dinner. As for slow decisions, my Mom is that way too. Picking out a tea or a drink or a cereal is a monumental decision for her. I've had to learn to be patient and just let her do her thing. She is who she is now and I can't change that. But she is still my Mom and deserving of respect and kindness. She's more like a child than an adult now, and I've had to adjust. Its not easy, but it does make things better.

I think it makes me sad and then the sadness can turn to anger and frustration. I just want her to be the Mom I always knew and that's not possible so I have to adjust to who she is now. Its almost like getting to know a new person all over again.

I know where u are coming from. At 65 I had no patience. I am a person that hates to shop for groceries and clothes. I rarely go to stores unless I need something. When I do its go in get what I want and out. I rarely browse. So, when someone is slow, I really have to make myself be patient.

i read how he walks into you and my mom does that. when we walk, she will always walk behind me and not next to me. and she uses a walker and she always bumps into me. but she doesn't remember shes doing that - so she keeps doing it. she says oh im so sorry. and i keep telling her mom walk beside me. and my mom waits for me to talk. she almost sits there and waits for the conversation to start. you aren't a bad person, but you do need to figure out how to get past that. i have to remind myself that my mom is ~doing the BEST that she can~ yeah i get annoyed but its just part of my life now. either feel angry or let it go.

I don’t believe that what you describe is normal for a 71 year old unless he has other health problems.
I do think you should do some reading about things like Parkinson’s, dementia, depression, and other diseases of aging.

With me, it just helped to realize that my father was a different person now, not my young robust parent of the past. My relationship is different now than I had in the past.
You are very young and this is pretty difficult to face when young.

A good friend told me, “You just have to let your Dad be who he is. We can’t change our parents to be who we want them to be.” Barring any medical problems that needed addressed, that brought me peace in my relationship with Dad.

There is a deck of cards called Chat, that has conversational questions that you might try. And maybe only plan one activity at a time so both of you aren’t overwhelmed.
Your love for your father is evident, and he feels that.

Danny, don’t beat yourself up emotionally. I used to be a friendly, positive and happy-go-lucky person. I loved Life and everyone remarked on how I embodied my name, “Joy”.

Now after 5 years of 24/7 Care for my bedridden husband and 15 years since his stroke which left him semi-disabled, I am a bitter and sometimes nasty old lady.

Make sure your father keeps up with his doctor’s appointments. 71 isn’t that old. If he is beginning to have cognitive and memory issues, he needs to be tracked for the onset of dementia/Alzheimer’s so both of you will be prepared and know what to expect. It’s a lot easier to deal with when you know what’s happening.

We are human. None of us are perfect. We have moods, good and bad, and stresses that affect us every day. We do the best we can. Those of us who have it well-handled know when things are serious enough to ask for help.

Danny; Does you dad live with you, or you with him?

I found that I could be patient with my mother for about 2-3 hours, once a week. So that's how often I visited. When she resided in an Independent Living Facility, my visits consisted of taking her to Bed, Bath and Beyond or to get her hair cut or her pants shortened. Then we'd have tea and muffins and discuss anything that was important.

I could be patient for that long and so I limited myself to that length of time.